Dear Diary

t w e n t y - s i x

We sat in silence, which was absolutely fine with me. I'd much rather that then hear any sympathy or pity that Ari had in store for me.

"Niall..." she said quietly.

"Don't," I murmured, playing with my sweater sleeves.

She eyed my arms, almost as though she knew exactly what she would find there. Then she looked up at me, and all of the sympathy had disappeared; in its place was understanding.

"Can you tell me what happened?" she whispered.

I swallowed thickly before recalling what had happened with a shaky voice. Ari listened, not speaking a word. When I finished, she seemed to be thinking.

"You never tried to kill yourself?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No. At first, I just thought it was a horrible dream, that I would wake up. I never did, of course, and then I wouldn't come out of my room. No one was there to worry about me, so I stayed in there, not eating, barely drinking and barely sleeping. Some people came after a while after no contact from me in two weeks, and then I was admitted to a mental hospital."

"We're more alike than we might think," Ari remarked.

"I wasn't in there very long, I guess, since I put up a great act that convinced the nurses I was okay," I continued. "I wasn't okay, but I hated that place, being allowed to go only certain places. I was in there maybe a week, I suppose, before they let me out with a bottle of anti-depressants."

I remember clutching the tiny bottle, staring at the tiny pills, tempted to take them all in one dose.

"What'd you do with them?" Ari asked, noticing my silence.

"Threw them in the trash," I answered.

We were silent, and then Ari spoke.

"They gave me anti-depressants, too," she said quietly. "After my first attempt. Mom made me take them." She shuddered. "I hated being on them. I didn't feel like me. I felt fuzzy-minded most of the time, almost like I was fighting sleep. I didn't act like me, either. I remember them wearing off later, and I was in the middle of playing trains with Carson." She managed a sad smile.

Ari was definitely more blessed than I was; she still had family, people who cared about her. She didn't have people constantly pestering her, saying how sorry they are when they don't even know you.

"Why?" Ari asked suddenly.

"Why, what?"

"Why didn't you attempt suicide? After what you went through?"

I thought about it for a bit. To be honest, I didn't really know. It crossed my mind once or twice, but it felt like giving up, and I didn't want to be so cowardly. I survived the boat catastrophe when the rest of them didn't; I almost felt as if I were living for them; like if I gave up, they'd be disappointed, telling me they knew I was stronger than that.

"I just figure that I'm supposed to be here," I said after a while. "I was the only survivor, the only one who thought of the life jackets. That has to mean something, doesn't it? If I weren't supposed to be here, then I wouldn't be here; I'd have drowned like the rest of the them. But I didn't, which makes me think that I'm obviously here for a reason."