Dear Diary

t w e n t y - t h r e e

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked Ari.

It had been a day since the chaotic shopping trip, but Ari seemed happy after it, so I guessed it wasn't that much a waste of time.

She had been on my laptop all day long, though. When I asked her the question, she jumped and closed it enough so that I couldn't see the screen, confirming my suspicions.

She was looking me up.

For the rest of the day yesterday, she seemed like she was dying to ask me why everyone was freaking out over me and saying I'm so sorry whenever I passed. She probably wouldn't have been so curious about it if I hadn't freaked out, but I had, and I blame myself.

"Uh, nothing," she murmured.

I bit my lip. It was so obvious she was lying to me; I was tired of being lied to.

"Oh," I said. The tone of voice I used just have suggested that I didn't believe her, because Ari looked guilty.

"I'm just doing research, Niall," she said, seeming nervous. "That's all."

"Okay," I said.

She didn't specify what kind of "research" but I could only assume it involved the words "Niall" and "Horan."

The thing was, I wasn't ready to share my past with Ari. I didn't particularly have a great memory of previous years, although my childhood, I guess, was nothing to be ashamed of.

I found it unfair, however, that we could both not share information, and then Ari could just look up whatever she need to know, whereas I couldn't. She was only well known in this city because of her two suicide attempts and failures. I was well known all over the world, because I was in an extremely famous band. The perks of having your dreams come true.

I sat on the couch, fiddling with my fingers. What if Ari decided to leave me after she found out my backstory? Not that she had anywhere to go, but she was a strong girl; I'm sure she would find a way to survive and avoid being brought back to the hospital on her own.

Biting my lip, I glanced over at Ari, and my heart sunk at her expression. Her eyes were widened in shock, and her mouth was slightly open. She looked over at me briefly, and her eyes were filled with one thing I never thought she would look at me with.

Sympathy.

I swallowed thickly as she went back to the computer screen, eyes moving rapidly back and forth. I had thought she was different; I was extremely naïve. Anyone who knows my backstory gives me the same look every time they see me; why should Ari be any different?

Maybe because I didn't show her sympathy, because I knew exactly what she was going through...

I was filled with a sudden anger that, admittedly, scared me. I took a breath, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't afford to lose my anger. Not now; not when the only person I had left was in the room.

"Oh, Niall," Ari said breathlessly after she finished reading. She looked over at me, but I promptly avoided her gaze. "I had no idea. I'm-"

"So sorry?" I finished for her, kicking at the carpet. "I know. A lot of people are."

Ari looked taken aback at the cold tone of voice I used.

"Really, I am," she murmured.

I didn't answer, still staring at the floor.

Ari took a breath. "You must not like me any more," she said quietly. "Since you were so nice and respectful at the hospital, and now I'm treating you like the younger, more fragile one."

"I still like you," I whispered. "I'm just a little disappointed."

Ari hung her head in shame.

"Everyone treats me like this," I explained, keeping my voice at a quiet volume, "ever since it happened. Like I was fragile; like I was going to break at any given moment. And... and I did break. I just kept it to myself; I didn't have anyone left I could talk to." I finally looked up at Ari. She looked sad. "I think that's why I connected with your writing so much: because someone finally knew what I was going through." I looked back at the floor. "Except we were different, in ways. You had people you could talk to. Everyone I loved..." I swallowed back a sob.

"Everyone I love is dead."