Through the Lens

Figure It Out

Harry's POV

I stared at the ceiling, the same way I had been every night for months, unable to sleep even though I constantly felt exhausted. The moonlight was streaming in through the large window of my bedroom in my London house, and my huge bed felt cold and empty. The words of those closest to me were swirling around in my head, making me take a good look at myself and the way I'd treated Hailey from the very beginning, not when she showed up at Mum's a few nights earlier. There were way too many things running through my head to get any peace, and I could only think of one thing that could help me calm it down.

I just wanted to get in the car and go to Niall's, crawl into bed with her and let her do what she does best, bring me home. I wanted that feeling, the one only she gave me where everything was okay and I didn't have to be anything other than who I am. Where it felt like all was right in the world and nothing ever hurt as much because she was there with me. I wanted the very thing I'd been needed since the day I left Lily Ridge, but I knew that was selfish after the way I'd treated her.

My emotions had obviously been high between processing Robin's death, worrying about my Mum, trying to figure out how to balance it all with my album release and everything going on, but it didn't take me long to realize that I had no right to treat Hailey the way that I did. I'd been doing nothing but running over it in my head for hours, thinking about all the ways that I'd hurt her in the past, and it had been pointed out to me more than once in my life that I had a tendency to be selfish.

It wasn't something I liked to admit, since it wasn't exactly a trait that I strived to have, but I knew it was true. It wasn't conscious, and I liked to think that I was a pretty generous and giving person, but when it came to certain things I definitely tended to put what I wanted first and often didn't even see how it would affect anyone else. As much as I liked to think that fame hadn't changed me, I'd become accustomed to getting my way, to not having to worry about much because everything was done and planned for me. Because of that, I didn't have to think very far outside of myself, and when I disappointed someone it was usually because of a decision that I didn't make. That left me rarely having to apologize or take responsibility for it, and although I didn't like hurting anyone, it made it a lot simpler that I could seem to wash my hands of it because it wasn't my fault.

I had obviously changed since my career took off, and a large part of it was normal being that I was 16 when it all started, and I was now 24. Everyone changes as they grow up, but I wondered if I would have changed in the same ways if had I just gone to university and led a normal life. I'd always been thankful and appreciative for my opportunities, and done my best to give back as must as possible, but I knew there were little habits that I'd picked up along the way.

I was used to getting what I wanted, of being catered to and having people mould their lives to fit mine. My schedule was iron clad, and if people wanted to see or talk to me, they had to work around it. I knew that I hated a lot of the aspects of it, remembering when I first got to Lily Ridge and how excited I was to cook for myself and do my own laundry, to do all of the things that I never had time to do. In those ways, I wanted to be as normal as possible, to not get so comfortable in having people do things for me that I became spoiled. I think in most ways I'd tried to stay as normal as possible, but I suddenly realized that the main area that I tended to be selfish was in my relationships with the people who loved me the most.

I considered myself someone who was always trying to be aware of other people's feelings, trying to be kind and supportive, making sure I was always polite and diplomatic. I never wanted to be seen as arrogant or spoiled, never wanted people to perceive me as a jerk. I tried to be as genuine as possible, and for the most part I think I was well regarded by most of the people in the industry, and the fans had always been so amazing to me. I found that it was the relationships with those closest to me that I tended to be selfish in, where I did things without even realizing, that my own lack of expression was damaging to them.