Cold Tears|Calum Hood

Chapter 10

A week has passed since that event. And here I am still can't get over the fact that Monica, I mean my girlfriend's death was just a result of an immature shit. Well, I've been back to my emo and mourning self that I used to be for almost a year and a half. I still go to school, but my focus wasn't on our lessons, it's on my grief towards Tina, her shit and everything else.

I was halfway on my progress on moving on, but here I am, even worse than before. It was her fault. It was her shit's fault. It's Tina's fault. The entire week was full of Tina's sick apologies and I did nothing but to shut her out. If it wasn't because of her shit, Monica must be spending time with me now.

I still can't believe that behind Tina's soft kind features, a dumb and selfish her is hiding. How selfish of her. She really is a selfish bitch. Last night, I almost wished her death, but then I thought, I won't stoop down to her level. Lucky she, she's still breathing.

I'm not thinking bout Monica's death. I was more on thinking the shit reasons of her death. It still angers every atom of me whenever I remember that she was just mistaken as Tina. Now I know certainly what Monica means with it-wasnt-supposed-to-be-me thingy. Yes, it was Tina that is supposed to be lying in her coffin. But the thought of having Tina lying in a coffin suddenly stroked my heart. Pss. Calum, she really must be there. I told myself .

There's a deep hold boring into my heart. It was formed due to both anger and mourning. Fuck this emotions.

I strolled down the hallway with a blank expression. It was another Friday, exactly 7 days from the last time I talked to Tina. I got home in a snap as I want to bury my self in tears again. And as I expected, all I did in my room was to cry. I haven't told Mom and Mali yet since I knew that they would just stand for Tina and say 'It's not her fault, dear.'

I drown my self in lots of sobs as I heard a knock on my door. "Back off!" I yelled. "Someone's visiting you, brother." Mali said from behind. "Tell that fucker to back off!" I yelled again and buried my face into the pillow again. "Too late." A high pitch voice sounded from behind and I'm sure it wasn't Mali or my Mom. "Fuck off selfish liar." I told Tina coldly. "And why did Mali let you in?" I said, now looking at her direction.

"Let's have this settled down Cal." She sat on my bed. "I said fuck off. What the hell do you want to happen? Just forget it and be 'oh-my-let's-forget-my-girlfriend's-death'?" I said glaring and faking her voice.

"Calum." She said in a more calm manner. "Why the hell didn't you just fuck off! Go hang yourself. That would be better." I told her bitterly and make my self sound as rude as I can.

"Cal. Let me just explain my side." She tried to sound calm though I know she's about to erupt. "Don't try to fool me with one of your selfish lies again." I said.

"What the hell Calum! Stop with those hurtful words! That's inhumane!" She shouted at the top of her voice.

"The entire week all you did was shut me out! Calum wake up! Get out of your own fucking bitterness towards me! All you did was believe in your perceptions without hearing my side! It's you who is selfish, not me! Stop shutting me out Cal! It's not my fault! It's nobody's fault. Well maybe Caren's, but not me! Stop making me experience this agony! Calum! Don't hate me. Please. Don't shut me out anymore! It's the past that we should leave! Besides, it's me who also felt the guilt when I found out. Sorry Cal! What do I need to do? Cal. Please come back. I missed you. And more than that, I finally confirmed it to myself that I already fell for you."

Her last words were the calmest part of her speech. But wait, she fell for me? She does love me? All I did was stare at her with a complete blankness.

"Okay Cal. I will now give you the peace you want and need." She started to stand up and stormed out of our house.

Fuck this. She fell for me? Is she telling this to me to divert the topic? To please me? Fuck. You won't fool me with that. Remember? Tina's a stupid liar!

But what if she really is? What if she's in love with me? I suddenly shoved the thoughts of anger in my head and smiled at the thought of her in love with me. She did help me to relieve the old me. Maybe I should forgive her? I mean, she's right. It's not her fault, actually, she's a victim too. I let out a sigh and I remembered the time we had at the beach. I smiled at the thought but I quickly shoved it all off. Remember? I'm angry at her right? Forgiving her too easily proves that I'm weak.

I laid my head in my bed and replayed the words my mom told me. "Monica would be more than happy if you live a life. A life away from anxiousness and mourning." I lived, for at least a month, away from mourning and anxiousness. That was because of Tina. If I would elaborate it all, Tina really helped me and I did enjoy her company a lot. And I opened up to her about Monica's death, which is a rare thing.

I let out a sigh and smiled.

Maybe, I do love her too.