the online diary of The Big-minded

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Look at me and my weird ass face boiiiii. Anyways, highschool is shit. BUT FOR THE GOOD NEWS FIRST!!!

1. I'm so close to leaving the diabetes situation thing alone. I'm making a good decline and I'm proud. Well, it was mostly my brother taking away shit and me still not caring about my health. For a weird reason, if I actually make a conscious effort to be healthy, I get worse.... Weird. But if I don't, I get better???? Okay.

2. I made friends on AMINO BITCHES. Find me most frequently on the camp camp amino that has 🌿🌿 in the title. I go by sHUT_UP.DAVID so yepppps.

3. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I can't think of some at the moment.

Now for the horrible news.

1. I broke up with two peeps. One I dated before ( I wrote about him before) I realized I actually kinda liked him a lot so I gave him a shot. Then I remembered that I suck at using vulnerable emotions so I broke up with him. Again. I feel so badddd! I actually liked him but I'm just so..... UGGGGHH IDK! DUMB? STUPID?? A PERSON THATS NOT GOOD WITH LOVE????? God damn it.
     Then I dated a guy named mat. It went to flames. My mom didn't approve of him and he committed suicide but survived....... To this very day I don't know how to feel about that. He's better now but at the same time we stopped talking. Both of these guys were amazing fellows but I still suck at dating. I want to date and love but I'm probably just not made for the cut. Or at least not now. Definitely not now. WANT TO KNOW WHYYYY???

2. school. I hate it with a burning passion. Each day is a Fucking struggle to not end it all and send a bullet to my brain. So much to do in little time. The first week of school, I was assigned a fucking ESSAY. And I failed it. Then I had a Fucking breakdown a week after. Turnitin.com wasn't trying to work. (It's still not) and no matter how many times I contacted my teacher in any way possible, she wouldn't respond. Even in real life! The teachers are no help. My wifi was gone too so I couldn't do my essay until last minute, where it deleted itself..... FML. That's not even the half of it. The teachers yell at me all the time and Fucking make fun of me! Why do I have to exist!?! This is so hard. All I know is that it will just get harder.
      Even in ceramics ( pottery), I'm fucking stressing out. I'm so scared that my projects will be bad, I won't finish In time, or worse... FUCKING EXPLODE. I swear I will be lucky if I don't die this year. Talking of extracurricular activities, I signed up for theatre and Bel canto. The chorale​department said they promised me a spot there after hearing me sing for the cmea's. I even had the highest singing score for my middle school in the history of its EXISTENCE! And guess what? I didn't get in. At all. Not even chorus. The only class that kept me sane last year is gone. Also freaking theatre is gone too. They didn't even put me there. I have french, ceramics and photography as my extracurricular activities. I'm gonna drop out of photography before the half year mark since I don't have enough money to get the camera required. I'm so stressed out. Please kill me, put me out of this hell. I'm failing basically all of my classes.

4. I still get sick all the time! Since like December of last year, I would get violently sick all the time. This is not okay for the fact I could only miss 16 points( absences, some varies from .5 for a medical form to 5 for cutting class) I missed like five the first month. I missed 7 days of school. Wtf. I can't help being sick, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BODY!?! This is also the type of shit that makes me want to die. If I miss more than 16 points, I will lose the credit for the class I missed it in. The shit I need to graduate, making me retake that Fucking course. Can I remind you I am missing 7 points from all of my classes already? Cuz I am. Ending my life is easier than this shit.

To be honest, what if this is the point of life? To suffer and stick it out until the end? Just for your being and thoughts to be erased and cease to exist in the end? For it to add up to nothing in the long run, and just die and Nothing else to be sensed after that? Just.... Not existing. No heaven nor hell. This is the end. That was it all, everything is to be over.....

..... I'll be okay with that.