C o l d

~5~

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((So...I unpublished this because, heck, I can't write first person pov to save my life I'm sorry. I'll just...rewrite it. You can skip this lmao))

((Also this will be very boring lmao sorry))

Draft: 7/12/17  16:23
Published: 20/12/17 18:01
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!!!WARNING!!!
TRIGGERING THEMES. MENTIONS DEPRESSION AND ANOREXIA (?)

"It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Please, only you can help me,"
.
.
.
.
.

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O n e   m o n t h   l a t e r
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The house was completely empty, only the sounds of crying coming from one particular part of the house.

[Y/n] laid on the ground, hands covering his eyes as he bawled his eyes out. He rubbed at them furiously, his raw, red skin hurting. His family was away to a friends house that was half an hour away.

It hurt.
It hurt so much.

He stopped rubbing his eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling, the white emptiness above him swallowing him up. Tears still leaked from his now red eyes, his throat hiccuping violently.

He didn't know why he felt so empty, so mentally drained, that his body couldn't physically move. It was a struggle to even get up from his bed this morning. He just wanted to stay in bed and wait for something, anything, to happen. In consequence for feeling the way he does, [Y/n] lost his appetite a few days ago. Every time he tried to eat, a voice lurking at the back if his head stops him. It was agonising. He felt as if water was repeatedly being shoved down his windpipe, forcing him to choke. He was choking on water, drowning in a bottomless sea, as people around him were laughing, chatting, living their lives to the fullest. Why couldn't he live like them? Live happily? Why couldn't he be happy?

He didn't know what was wrong with him. It scared him. It scared him how dark thoughts always slipped into his thoughts. He always convinced himself it would pass. But it's been over five years now and the feeling hasn't stopped.

The feeling of being loved also hurt him now. Every hug, every kiss, every word of encouragement and affection made him feel worse. He felt like he didn't deserved love, that he didn't deserve to be valued. He feels like no matter what he'll do, he'll just disappoint his life ones. What he sees in the mirror is an ugly, disgusting monster that has no right to live. How could someone love someone like him? An ugly creature like him?

So many times he tried to tell his mum, his only friend. So many times he hinted towards how he felt towards himself. But the people he trusted so badly ruled it off as [Y/n] being [Y/n]. It always hurt him, but he laughs it off and nods when they ask if he was just joking.

A laugh erupted out of [Y/n]'s throat "I'm pathetic," he muttered, getting up shakily and trudging to bed.

Maybe a good nights sleep will help.

•~f~•

What he thought of was wrong. He didn't feel better. He felt worse. The feeling of helplessness and self-loathing doubled since yesterday. [Y/n] stared at the ceiling, his eyes not moving as he breathed in and out slowly. He needed to relax. If he'll relax he'll be fine.