I need you here with me // Carl Grimes [EDITING]

Eighty - The End of the Beginning.

I know I haven't updated in 84 years but I felt I had to post a chapter commemorating Carl Grimes and everything he was once, I had to put his deaths scene in writing in order for it all to sink in and I hope you can all forgive me for that.

In the mean time does anyone have any theories on possibilities of Carl being alive?

Spencer Monroe was murdered in the middle of the street by Negan, he was gutted, tore apart from the inside out and his blood spilled across the ground. Olivia was shot in the head, dying instantly due to Rosita's heroic attempt at killing Negan to save everyone. The safe haven of Alexandria was no more and soon enough it was no longer run by the Monroes and instead Rick Grimes took the position of leader. Of course, I wasn't there to see it, I was living in my own misery of being trapped in the home of the saviours, knowing everything that was happening back in Alexandria, knowing that Carl was there, and I wasn't able to do a single thing about it. I was powerless at Negan's hands.

After almost a month of being secluded in a completely pitch black room wearing nothing but a grey sweater with an A spray painted on it and matching sweat pants, my father broke out and along with him he took me. We returned to Alexandria where for months we remained safe, for months no one died.

Until that is, Sasha sacrificed herself, she committed suicide in order to kill Negan, in order to give us a chance to kill Negan. But her efforts never worked, instead she died for nothing, just as my heart did when I saw her that day. The discoloured skin, the milky white eyes, I felt sick at the sight of her. Another name, another person I loved, to add to the list of the dead.

But that wasn't the worst name I would have to add to it, I hoped and I prayed that it would be the last. But it wasn't.

I never thought I would feel any more pain than I had when I lost my family, or when I lost Glenn, or Sophie. But I would, and I never knew it until that day when the undeniable pain hit me like a tonne of bricks, that I would lose someone I cared about, someone who I loved more than anyone, the person who made me, me.

I thought Sasha would be the last to leave me, that everything would remain okay at least for a short while but in one fell swoop I lost not only Eric but Luke too, my brother. Eric was shot and due to the loss of blood he became a walker, but Luke his death shook my entire world.

It had been right in front of my very eyes. It was the first night I'd returned home after the horror of my short stay with the saviours, he'd still been in a coma from when Negan had hit him over the head with Lucille. I woke from my nap in that all too uncomfortable chair at his bedside to find him with blood running from his nose and his body seizing, and just like that he stopped.

He lay completely still, as if he hadn't moved in the first place and in that moment I knew he was gone. I screamed until my lungs felt raw, until Carl had to carry me from that very room because I was so inconsolable. My father spent the entire night in that room, with Luke's body only feet away from him as he sobbed. All the while I lay in Carl's bed curled into his body like an awkward fitting jigsaw as he held me against his bare chest and I cried and screamed for my brother to come back, to come back home to me. But he never did.

I was never the same after that day, Carl saw that and he tried his best to fix it but nothing worked, not his soothing words, not his kiss, not his touch. Nothing. The love he had for me was all I held onto, it was the only thing that stopped me from falling over the edge. Him.

I could tell from the day that he showered  with me, neither of us touching, only me and him, me crying into his shoulder and him rubbing soothing shapes into my shoulder, that something was wrong with him.