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The sound of the wind creeping through the window awoke you, and you knew that you wouldn't be falling back asleep anytime soon. Today had been a trainwreck. Certain news had been delivered to both you and Glenn earlier that evening, which resulted in your restlessness. Weeks earlier, you had been given great news.
You were pregnant.
You and Glenn had made the decision to bring a child into the world back at the prison, and you were 3 months along when you arrived in Alexandria. You were both ecstatic, you could not wait to meet your beautiful creation. It was earlier today that those dreams had been demolished.
It was your 3rd ultrasound since you had arrived in Alexandria, yet you and Glenn still felt the same excitement as the first. You held Glenn's hand as the doctor observed the image on the screen. Your smiles were wide as you watched the screen with adoration. But something wasn't right.
The doctor's face dropped, yours following immediately after.
The doctor explained that you had had a miscarriage. You and Glenn walked out of that room with a hole in both of your hearts. You trudged back to your home, Glenn holding you close. You didn't speak, you didn't have words. What could you say? There was no words to express what you both had been feeling. You went to bed that way, in Glenn's arms, tears streaming your cheeks.
So here you were, awake in the middle of the night. You sat up slowly, dangling your feet just above the cool hardwood floor. You turned and glanced back at Glenn, seeing him sound asleep. He was so peaceful, so relaxed. You wished that he never would have to leave that state. His dark hair was gently sprawled all over, the movement of his chest rising up and down soothing to you.
You turned your gaze down to your hands in your lap, your back now facing your sleeping husband. You shivered as the duvet fell gracefully off your shoulders, causing you to hug yourself. You sat in silence for awhile, the only sound being Glenn's breathing. Tears began to brim your eyes as you peered down at your empty stomach.
You couldn't help but feel that it was your fault. You hated yourself for it, taking away that kind of opportunity from him. What if he didn't want you anymore? You obviously weren't physically capable enough to bare children.
You sighed, wiping tears away as more kept coming. It stung like hell. Your breathing became shaky and uneven, you weren't thinking straight. The more you sat there, the more you got upset, which eventually led to having to try to contain sobs so that you wouldn't wake Glenn.
Running a hand through your hair, you stood up and walked to the bathroom, hugging yourself as your body shook of silent sobs. You gently twisted the cold silver knob that led to the bathroom, and flicked the light switch on. Your throat ached as you closed the door, then turned back to face yourself.
You gripped the rim of the sink, looking at yourself in the mirror. The circles under your eyes were darker than you had initially thought, your face was red and your hair sticking to it. As more burning tears rolled down your cheeks, off your nose and down to your jawline, you pulled your hair up into an effortless bun, not really caring much about how it looked. You released a heart aching sigh and wiped away the tears, only to have them replaced by more. That was when you noticed something sitting on the counter.
A stuffed bear. Enid had gifted it to you and Glenn a week or two ago, said she saw it in the window of a shop and thought that the baby might like it. They would've.
You reached for the bear and pulled it towards your trembling frame as you sat down against the cabinets below the sink. You slowly drew the bear up to your nose, inhaling the sweet scent as your tears soaked into its fur. That sweet, sweet aroma that it gave out made you break down.
You wanted it so badly, and Glenn did as well. You both wanted to raise a child together and teach them that there is still hope, that life was beautiful. But you couldn't. You ruined it.
What could you have done to prevent it? Drank more water? Be more careful? Get more sleep? It was slowly tearing you up inside. You had ruined Glenn's chance at having a family. Why would he stay? There were other women in Alexandria who would gladly bare his children, since you couldn't.
You felt pathetic.
As you continued to cry into the stuffed bear, you had yet to realize that the bathroom door was now open, and Glenn was hovering above you tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
"Babe?" his voice brought you from your thoughts, but you didn't respond. Your fingers clutched tightly around the bear as Glenn looked down at you with concern. Alas, you tilted your head slightly upwards so that your eyes could meet Glenn's sleepy ones.
Let's just say, he could tell by the way you looked up at him how heart broken you were. He was too. Just seeing you like that broke his heart, he would never, ever, want you to feel the way you did now.
Slyly, Glenn slid down next to you, a lump forming in his throat forming. The two of you hadn't really talked about it yet. But he needed to know how you were feeling.
"I'm so sorry," you managed to choke out as Glenn pulled you into him. His scent filled your senses, making you a bit less tense. "It's all my fault. I'm not strong enough."
Glenn's eyes widened, immediately pulling away to meet your eyes. You watched as a tear ran down his cheeks, straight from his mesmerizing eyes.
"This is not your fault. I know you may think it is," he cried, "but I need you to know that it is not. There is nothing you or I could've done to prevent this from happening."
You nodded softly as he continued speaking, "This is just another challenge that we have to face. We're in this together, me and you."
You finally mustered up the courage to say something, "How many more challenges can we go through? Everytime it ends in more heartache, there's never a reward," you whimpered, "the heartache just keeps coming."
Glenn took a moment to process everything, seeing as he hadn't done it before. As far as he could see, you were right. You both had been put to the test and challenged so many times, but only ever received heartache. No, he wouldn't think like that. He couldn't. He had to be strong for the both of you.
"Heartache, is just something that makes us who we are," he caressed your cheek, sliding his thumb over the small of your bottom lip, "but we'll try again, and we'll succeed because you are the strongest woman I have ever known.
We will be rewarded for all that we've been through."
Glenn held you as you buried your face into his neck, crying softly. The two of you didn't move, and ended up falling asleep right there in eachother arms, on the bathroom floor.
The most painful goodbyes are the ones that cannot be explained. They are the ones that cause the most heartache.
1264 words sorry for posting so late + requests are open :)
