Mostly Lauren Jauregui

I'd Fall For You Again If It'd Still Kill Me

I used to be shy..

Seems like almost too long ago now that I was afraid of my own shadow.
Small, quiet, forgettable, I used to be such a nice girl.

That all changed when she showed up.

Then, she smiled at me.

I smiled back of course, staring into her radiant green eyes from across the room, the only thing whiter than her flesh being her teeth.

Individual little, white teeth, slightly crooked and at the time.. She looked a lot like a nightmare I once had in a daydream.

I didn't get the chance to say hi that day, or many of the days to follow but she always smiled at me, and I always smiled back.

Suddenly, that shy girl faded away.. With just the simple smile of a semi-strange girl in just one of my least favorite classes.

Days passed, things changed as they would, went on as they should and she found friends which was more than I could ever do at this school, but still she smiled at me everyday.

Everyday I smiled back.

I didn't even think about her in any sort of way.. Just to picture her face and that smile sometimes between the crazy things jumping around behind these dusty, ol' wizard eyes.

I changed just like everyone else..

I talked more in class, although I still didn't talk to other people.

I dressed more like I cared, or really I just started spending the money Mummy and Daddy dearest would leave when they left for "vacations" on a better wardrobe and healthier food.

I cut my hair and I stopped hiding behind an invisible wall.

I broke out of my prison day by day and I asked myself who I was a lot.. Whether or not I'd find an answer, I'd always find contentment in not knowing.

Everyday she smiled.. Everyday she'd look at me longer.

I started a filmography club to get people to watch weird movies with me, and even though I usually had to watch them alone anyway.. It gave me a sense of accomplishment to have riveting conversations with kids my own age.

Even though we only ever talked about weird movies.. I had a sense of friendship with a small group of people for the first time, and although we weren't necessarily friends it did help me understand socializing to a certain extent.

I started to actually talk to people during group activities and such, but I always held back in the class I shared with her.

Still, she smiled, I smiled.. Everyday.

There was an odd number of kids in our class and my unlucky number was left out of most partner or group activities coincidentally, but on the particular day that my entire life began to change Laura Nickerson had stayed home because of some food poisoning.

Bad sushi.

She didn't smile at me that day..

That day she sat directly in front of my desk.

"Hi.." Her voice sounded like an angels choir.. An instrument carved by gods.

Then.. She smiled at me.

This wasn't from a distance or from a desk or two away.. This was close, personal.

Individual little, white teeth, slightly crooked.. Like fishhooks.

It felt like a dream within a nightmare.
A dream I hadn't woken up from yet.. Lost in that smile everyday.

We hadn't said much more that pleasant hellos outside of actual schoolwork when she asked me to a dance.. Just one of the small ones in the middle of the year where everyone says they won't even wear dresses until they show up in dresses.