Uptown Boy (Narry Storan)

42. Playground & Car Parts

Happy new year you guys!!!! 💘💘 I hope everyone has a happy, wonderful and joyous new year because everyone deserves happiness!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

NH

I'm in my bed, he's in his bed. And all I can think about is how one of us is in the wrong place. Probably me.

My chest aches as I think of what I had lost. If only he knew how much those little moments with him mattered to me.

I've never admitted this, but I've always wanted someone to be afraid of losing me. Now that I have, I walked away on my own accord, and it's something which I cannot forgive myself for doing. No matter how much it hurts, I have to accept the fact that he's gone. Because I walked away, I caused my own pain.

That's the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave, you just feel lost. I never knew I was addicted until I tried to stop. That's how it always is with drugs innit? Ha, the irony. But that's how I feel with Harry. I never knew how much I loved him until I pushed him away. That's the thing really, you don't realise how quickly everything can fall apart until it does.

I hate myself. I hate myself for walking away from the best thing that has every happened to me.

Anger, frustration, sadness, heartache, boiled deep in my system, as hot as lava. It's starting to churn within me, about to explode, and I know it's too much for me to handle.

So I escape. I run.

I chuck on my trainers and my hoodie before bolting out and down my flat. I jam the earbuds into my ears and the music pours out. I turn it up, shutting out the world around me and I just... let go. Of everything. I allow the darkness I felt swallow me whole for a little while, letting the music flow through my veins, calming me from head to toe. But it wasn't enough to rid of my thoughts about Harry. I pretend to ignore him, try my best to forget about him, but in reality, I really fucking miss him.

I wipe the tears (which I didn't even notice were falling) away in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We weren't supposed to end up like this. We were supposed to be happy. We were supposed to go on dates and make others cringe and grimace when we flaunt our love and affection for each other in public. We were supposed to walk around with hickeys on our necks to let others know we're not interested. We were supposed to spend Christmas and New Years together, he was supposed to be my first ever New Years kiss that actually meant something. Hell, I even wanted to marry that guy, start a family. The old me would have freaked out over those simple words- 'marriage', 'family', but now, I just want him, and I want us. And now, I'm hurting because I'm thinking of a future for us, which no longer exists.

I would chase him, cross all oceans and fires just to be with that man, to be with Harry. But no matter how of an amazing swimmer I am, or how fire resistant I am, I can't. If this is the way to make Elijah and Leo stop chasing after him, draining him out emotionally, or worse... I'd do it, because he means so much more to me than I can ever imagine, and I'd do anything to keep him safe and away from those crazy fucknuts.

Even if I know that Harry will be fine and that he'll be safe, I'm still not happy. I'm not happy because this wasn't the way that I wanted to keep him happy and safe. I'm not happy because he isn't here with me. I asked him to go back to his life. And in theory, I'd go back to mine as well. Problem? I didn't like mine. Not without him.

Without even realising it, I'm crying. Thick, heavy droplets falling from my eyes, acting as rivers down my cheek.

My legs slow down until I come to a complete stop once the tears have completely blurred my vision and I can no longer see where I'm running to. Crying doesn't do any good. But it seems to be the only way I've found.