200 things non-equestrian don't understand

Untitled Part

I didn't really know what to title this chap.. I was really reluctant to even publish this, but I really need some help. This isn't really horse related so if you came here looking for something funny or interesting, you can go ahead and leave and find something  more interesting to read. That doesn't involve depressing subjects and me ranting about stupid stuff that nobody cares about

Have you ever spent your whole life with a lot of friends,  and grew up with them, considering them to be your closest companions, who, even though you pretty much have nothing in common, love to  hang out with them and then one day you leave that school/church/ place, rarely see them anymore,  and then finally I after adjusting and making 4 new friends who you also consider to be your closest friends, even though you've only known tnbem for a few months. Then randomly one day, you find out your friends didn't truly like you for who you were and  after 9 years, finally come to the realization that nobody  at that 32 student school even liked you and how much you really were a !misfit, no matter where you go? 

About a month ago,  a few days before Thanksgiving, and my Aunt came home with my grandma, who lives  in New Mexico(a long way away from us). My aunt was talking about how much better our new church is and the school we go to in relation to our old church/church school. Then she said, "And, her friends Actually like her for who she is."  I get confused and asked her what she meant. Apparently none of my  32 friends at that church school actually liked me.  I can deal with the teachers not liking me, as I had One there who tried to make me do things I knew  and she knew I couldn't, and another who underestimated me because I have ADD. I understand that. This is something completely different. It was hard for me to adjust to this new church and doing online school,  because I thought I would graduate from that church school and get to go to that church for the rest of my life, and I desperately missed my friends now I can officially count my friend list as four, because I have other 'friends' who I'm not even sure if they really are anymore. I don't even know  if I can trust my 4  friends.We visited my old school for a christmad party, and I definitely felt like a total outsider. 3 people I considered my friends were really nice, as they've always been. One more I considered my friend/former classmate had been bullying me along with another  one of my classmates I considered a friend, and before I didn't know if they were just saying harmful things by accident, not knowing it would hurt me, but I don't know anymore. At my younger sister's birthday, one of my 'friends' said that her sister(my classmate and one of my closest 'friends') was really excited to see me that day. Then, I believed it, but know I'm not so sure. I don't know anymore if Any of my friends whop claim to be truly are or are just pretending to be nice to me.  I guess that's what I get for being so clingy and trusting. I ride a horse once and get attached to it, and same with friends. I meet them, and on that first day I  proudly call them my friend.  Even if nobody I consider my friend really is, I can't stop not thinking of them as my friend. Last year one of the kids I literally grew up with(we lived in that same house until about age 4 when our house got to small for all of use) and he moved to Colorado in 2nd grade. I never saw him agian after that. Finally, we got to see them  for about an hour,  in 7th grade. Finally, later year, after their mom passed after having a baby,  them and their dad went to a few different places, but finally moved back too near us. They left two weeks later and I haven't seen them since. Was h really my friend? Do I really ave Any friends who actually like me for who I am? Seeing as I've been bullied but still call those people close friends because they aren't always mean to me, I'm going to Say no. I want to say yes and I want to believe that I do have at least one true friend. I don't know  anymore. Do I really have even just one true friend or just a bunch of people who are playing nice to a loser who has no idea she's a misfit that nobody likes? 

I thought I put all his behind me a while ago, but all it does is keep nagging at me 

For those who actually read this chapter, I'm sorry for wasting all of your  time on reading this. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, I'm only publishing this because oireally need help...