Three Orphan Pilgrimage (The Alternative to TWDG's Final Season) [Walking Dead]

80. Reactivity

Clementine rolled over yet again and saw Sarah was still asleep, then turned away and stared at the window. She was relieved to finally see clear signs of the sun rising but still felt dawn couldn't come soon enough. This night had been one of the longest of her short life, with Clem repeatedly trying to fall asleep only for her racing mind to keep her awake with questions she didn't have answers for.

How could she be in love with Sarah? Clem kept trying to rationalize it as not possible. She was drunk last night, except she hadn't been, she had barely drunk any whiskey. She couldn't be in love because she didn't know what it felt like, except it was just like Patty had described, like lightning. Why would she fall in love with Sarah now and never before? Clem didn't know, she just knew that she had.

Every waking moment Clem's head wasn't filled with frustrating questions were ones filled with thoughts of Sarah. The loving concern in her voice when she spoke, the look she made when she worried, the way she'd tease Clem when they played chess, all of it Clem couldn't stop revisiting, searching for some clue that perhaps Sarah was in love with her as well. It was utterly maddening for Clem and made worse that she couldn't even turn her head without risking becoming captivated by Sarah's beauty.

Her sweet smile, those soft big brown eyes, that gorgeous hair, her ripe skin, those strong arms and toned legs, all of it was utterly intoxicating and Clem had to resist the urge to pull back the covers for a better look at Sarah's sleeping form. She couldn't even look at Sarah's face for more than a few seconds before feeling an overwhelming urge to kiss her on the lips. And feeling her breathing beside her, Clem wanted nothing more than to just reach out and touch Sarah, but didn't.

Suddenly it didn't feel right, it was different somehow from all the other times she had held Sarah in the past. Anytime she inched closer to make contact she suddenly remembered Mick, and how he had forced Sarah to kiss him, and how horrible it was for her. Anytime she stared at Sarah for too long she thought about when she was in the bath and thought Jet was watching her, and how awful that made her feel. Clementine suddenly understood why people did these things, how their urges compel them to act in a way that hurts the same people they desire, which just left Clem feeling ashamed because no matter how hard she tried, she still couldn't banish these temptations from her own mind.

Probably the greatest urge Clem struggled to resist was waking up Sarah and just saying 'I'm in love with you' to her face. The longer she tried to deny it the more certain Clementine had become. Now, with the sun coming up, Clem realized she would have to make a decision on whenever to tell Sarah or not. She had tried to hold onto the hope that Sarah was in love with her too, that she'd tell her and suddenly everything they had would become greater than it had ever been before.

But anytime Clem tried to entertain the hopeful notion of her and Sarah being in love together, something else would rise to the top of her mind. Jet said people usually don't have crushes on ten-year-olds. Devlin didn't like Patty the way she did because he couldn't like girls that way. Patty said her friend became angry at her when she dared to tell him she didn't love him, and they couldn't be friends after that. Is that how Sarah would act if Clem told her she was in love with her? Is that how Clementine would act if Sarah told her she wasn't in love with her?

These questions tore at Clem with every passing minute, picking at her every unpleasant thought like fingernails picking at scabs. The mere idea that this revelation could possibly end their friendship made Clementine feel sick. She kept telling herself she couldn't risk telling Sarah how she felt, but no amount of rationalizing could change Clementine's actual feelings. Like Patty had said, being in-love changed everything, and even in the few hours since that change, Clem already felt this horrible weight upon her as she contemplated denying her feelings to preserve what she already had.