Uncontrollable || Dazai Osamu » book 1 ✓

19 | A Chance to Change

She woke up, lightheaded and drained.

Her throat was surprisingly parched and dry, almost sore. Eyes slightly red and puffy from crying.

(Just another day... Another 24 hours of this wretched life. Nothing more, nothing less.)

A tuft of brown on the edge of her bed caught her attention. She peered it quizzically and found out that the furry brown object she was staring at was someone's head.

"Oh," She voiced out her surprise. The man had his head resting on his arms, like how a student would fall asleep on the desk during class.

(Why is he always there in my darkest of times?)

She reached out to brush away the loose strands that had fallen over the man's face. She assumed he was asleep since his eyelids were closed and his breathing was even.

(But his presence is somehow...comforting.)

Unconsciously, she placed a hand on the wavy locks and gently ran her through it, the soft strands falling through her fingers.

Before she could pull away, a bandaged hand crept up and grabbed her wrist, surprising her. His eyes fluttered open.

"I-I just-!" She stuttered, at a loss for words when Dazai lifted his head.

"It was nice. You touching my hair," Dazai grinned. "You should do that more often."

(Y/n) flushed red.

"Why are you here?" She coughed lightly and averted her gaze, attempting to cover up her mistake.

"Why, to visit you of course!"

"Sure," She replied bitterly. "You're probably here to see if I would wreck this place."

Dazai stared at her, seeming to contemplate something. He let out a breathy sigh, "Not really. I came to see how you were doing."

"You don't have to care for a naive fool like me," She averted her gaze away from the brunette.

The brunette eyed her weirdly. Displeasure was etched on his visage, plain for everyone to see. "You really-"

He slapped his hands on both of her cheeks, angling her face towards him so that she wouldn't look anywhere else, but him. "-are a pain in the ass you know that?"

Bewildered by his sudden forceful action, (y/n) looked at him blankly. He said it with such a straight face, she couldn't tell whether he was just teasing her or was actually serious.

"..."

Both Dazai and (y/n) stared at each other, unblinking. Flustered, Dazai retracted his hands to his sides, a light blush tinting his cheeks. "Sorry."

(Y/n) cast her eyes down on her lap. No one spoke a word. The awkward atmosphere dissipated into one of uneasy tension. She fidgeted uncomfortably, playing with her fingers as a way to distract herself.

"If you wouldn't mind, can you-" She began, but was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

"No. I'm staying."

She sighed inwardly. There was nothing she could possibly do to change the brunette's mind. She just wanted some time alone to sort out her cluttered thoughts.

But wasn't she alone long enough?

The brunette seemed to have finishing dwelling in his own thoughts as he fixed his steady gaze on her and opened his mouth to speak.

"Y'know, Kyouka-chan went through the same struggles you're going through now. And at that time, I asked her this:" Dazai lowered his voice a notch. "A former killer isn't qualified to become a good person. Do you truly believe in that?"

"..." Though her eyes remained downcast, she was listening to his every word.

"I know it's hard. But your anguish isn't yours alone. What should one do, when what they want to be isn't what they're best at? Everyone fights, searching for the correct way to live their lives. What do they seek by fighting? How ought they live? No one can say. All we have is the right to waver. Like stray dogs that have hit rock bottom."

"...I've dreamt of a life where I can protect people. But now, I doubt that'll ever come true."

"No. You still have a chance."

(Y/n) raised her head to meet his gaze.

"You've passed the admission test. It's a test to assess whether a recruit has the will and courage to save even complete strangers and you did just that. All you have to do now is to accept," Dazai offered his hand. "(Y/n), will you join us as a member of the Detective Agency?"

†

Thank you for reading!

am i the only one
who thinks that the last line
sounds like a marriage proposal?