The journey to here

14

"Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery!"

"Calliope Iphegenia Torres!"

Callie was a storm, slamming the door to the attending lounge shut behind her before sitting down next to me on the couch.

"What the fuck? I just heard some nurses say Meredith Grey kissed you an hour ago! And called you her girlfriend! Addison! Did Meredith Grey kiss you and call you her girlfriend?!" Callie looked like she'd spontaneously combust at any given moment if I didn't begin to explain what had happened in great detail.

"Meredith and I have been secretly seeing each other" I state simply, turning a page in the book I had open on my lap "we wanted to keep it to ourselves for the time being, but the husband of one of my patients seemed to make her jealous"

Shock and confusion clouded over her face. "How long?" She asked me, running a hand through her hair "how long have you been defiled by Meredith Grey?"

"Four months, give or take a week"

If looks could've killed, Callie would've had me six feet under in a matter of minutes.

"Four months? How did this even start? How is this a thing? You hate her!"

"Cal, calm down. Breathe" I put down my book and turned to face her "remember the day you asked me about bruises? The ones on my hips?"

She nods, recognizing that day in the bathroom. Then, a look of realization hits her. "Oh my god, that wasn't Derek" she stands up, and I stand with her, trying to keep her calm "the scratches on Meredith's back! Those were from you! Oh my god you had sex with Meredith Grey!"

"Shh" I tell her calmly "half the damn hospital doesn't need to hear. And no, we didn't have sex that day. A few days later, after that, we had sex. The first time was just a kiss, I went to yell at her and things got out of hand and she hit me so-" I was rambling, and Callie cut me off.

"Woah woah woah" she holds her hand up "stop and backtrack a minute, sister. She fucking hit you? I am not afraid to throw some punches at that little bitch"

"Relax" I sigh "she slapped me because I said some things I shouldn't have said. And then right after she kissed me and it was probably the single hottest kiss of my life" I can't help but get a goofy smile on my face; Meredith made me happy, and thinking about how we first got together was funny, especially since we don't hate each other anymore.

Callie looked at me for a long time, studying my face and my expression. "You're happy" she finally concludes "you're really, really happy"

I nod. "Yeah. I really, really am. For the first time I am so happy, Callie, I can't begin to tell you how amazing this feeling is-" I'm cut off for what felt like the millionth time today by the door opening.

"Callie? Can we have the room for a moment?"

Callie, seeing who it was, discreetly and quietly left, but not before shooting me a look on her way out that said 'we are so talking about this later'.

"Derek" I greet him, as we both sit down "is there anything I can do for you?" I was trying to stay calm, keep my cool and not get upset. Truth be told, Derek and I officially divorced because he was still in love with Meredith. Little did he know, I'd been sleeping with her the whole time. I'd committed the ultimate betrayal, even worse than sleeping with his best friend.

"Meredith Grey, of all people" he says, scrubbing his hands over his tired face "you went and you started seeing Meredith Grey"

"Four months ago" I tell him, before he can even ask. I wanted to try to answer all of his questions before he got too angry. "We were seeing each other when you kissed her in the on call room"

"Before we got divorced" he finishes for me, with a defeated sigh. "Well Addison, I'd be lying if I said I saw this coming. I really have no words, I don't even know what happened" he looks so confused, and I feel awful. Not for being with Meredith, I'd never regret that, but for Derek being a casualty of Meredith and I's relationship.

"Derek, I'm not trying to justify this, but it isn't like our marriage was going anywhere. Hell, you tried to get back together with Meredith" we were a lost cause and he knew it; there was no love left between us anymore, and there was no point in staying married.

"That's why you got so angry" he realizes "when I kissed Meredith. You weren't mad with me, you were mad with her. Because you've been sleeping with her for four months"

I can't think of anything to say to make the situation better. I sounded like a hypocrite, I knew, and I wasn't sure what I could do to fix it. Really, there was nothing. Nothing I could say would fix this.

"I didn't mean for this to happen" I tell him "I didn't think I'd feel this way about her, if you told me I'd have honest to Jesus real feelings for Meredith Grey six months ago I would've laughed in your face"

Derek laughed lowly, sarcastically. "Really, Addison? You didn't mean for this to happen?" He pauses to look at me with a cold, hurt look. "It seems to me that whenever you show up and say 'it was an accident' I realize you ruined my life"

"How did this ruin your life?" I ask, putting a hand on my hip. I was starting to feel less and less bad as this conversation wore on.

"I could've stayed with Meredith, she would've stayed with me. We could've had a normal life, gotten married and bought a big house for our kids to run around. Instead, she's with you, which is insane when you really think about it" Derek argues back "I loved her, and she loved me, yet she ended up with you. Because you take everything good I have in life and you ruin it. You wreck things, Addison, you're a wrecker"

"Listen to yourself" I snap angrily "if she loved you so much, then why is she with me? Why does she kiss me and hold me and run her fingers through my hair? Why does she smile when I snuggle into her, why does she ask me to call her to make sure I got home safely and why does she kiss me in public when a man makes her jealous? If she loved you then why is she with me?"

"Fuck" Derek swears, running a hand through his hair "fuck, Addison, I don't know. I don't know"

"I am sorry that you're hurting, really I am" I tell him sincerely "but coming in here, yelling at me, insulting me, it isn't gonna help you. It isn't gonna make her love you back" I say softly.

We sit in silence, as if neither of us wants to speak but we also don't just want to leave. There's more to say, we just need a moment to figure out how to say it.

"Do you love her?" Derek finally asks, looking me dead in the eyes "she's easy to love, once you get to know her. Do you? Love her?"

"I do"

There's no hesitation; I've never said the words aloud before, but I've never been more certain of anything in my life. I am in love with Meredith Grey, and I can't imagine my life without her. I'm in love with her smile and her hair and her eyes, the way she sighs when she's pissed off, the way she rubs my shoulders when she knows I've had a rough day, the way she always manages to make me feel like I'm the only person in the world she's ever touched.

I am in love with Meredith Grey.

"I wish I could say I'm happy for you" Derek sighs, standing up and walking over to the door "but I'm not"

I nod in understanding. "That's okay" and really, it is; he doesn't have to be happy for me, he doesn't have to acknowledge that I even exist anymore. When he opens the door and he leaves, the last thing my mind is thinking about is how Derek Shepherd isn't happy for me.

My mind is only on her; always.