My worse enemy (Anorexia)

All the anger and fury

I opened my eyes. 5:00am. I was so tired and cold. I turned on the light and got my blanket and wrapped it around myself. There was a lot of hair on my pillow. That's weird. I thought. It was Monday. I spent all weekend in my room sleeping. I was so sad. I wouldn't be sad once I didn't look disgusting and fat. I walked into the bathroom. I felt like I was floating a little. Maybe I lost a lot of weight since Friday. I looked at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I said. You need to do better you're disgusting. I said to myself. I put the blanket on the sink. And walked over to the scale. I crossed my fingers and stepped on it. I looked down. Fuck! I yelled as I put my hands on my head. I put and hands down and I had a handful of hair in each one. I felt the anger bubbling up. Shit! God! I yelled. I'm fat and now I'm going bald! I hate myself! I screamed. I hate my life! I kicked the wall really hard a few times. I put water on my tooth brush and brushed my teeth. I walked out and my mom was standing at the door. I forgot how early it was. Are you okay? She asked me. Yes. I said. You seemed pretty upset. She said. Well I'm not. I said. Did you brush your teeth with tooth paste? She asked. Yes! I said. I was getting annoyed. I didn't use tooth paste just water. I didn't need any calories from the toothpaste. She only found out because she saw my diet journal. I walked in my room after school and there she was reading my journal. I dropped everything. What are you doing?! Why are you in my stuff?! I screamed. Get out now! I saw the tears in her eyes, but she said nothing and walked out of my room. I started pacing back forth. We never talked about it though. There's no reason to get loud. She said. I'm just asking. I walked away. Lexi? What. I said. You can talk to me if something's bothering you or you aren't happy you know that. Well I'm fine. I said. And went in my room and closed the door. I got dressed. That was hard I looked ugly in everything. I started throwing things around the room. Then I pulled out a big sweatshirt and sweat pants. I came out. Do you want breakfast? My mom asked. What do you think? I asked. I think you should eat breakfast. I'm not hungry. I said. You still have to eat food. She said. I do! I said. Then you need to eat breakfast it's important. No! I'll eat at school. I said. What are you going to eat at school? I stared at her. Do you want to talk to a therapist? She asked. I laughed a little. I threw my backpack on the floor. Fine! I yelled. I'll get a freaking breakfast bar! You need to eat it. She said. I screamed. Get off my back! Leave me alone! I do eat! I can't miss one meal without you going nuts! Lexi. She said quietly. I'm just trying to help. Help with what? Nothing is wrong with me! I just told you that! Okay pick up your bag so I can take you to school. I picked it up and we walked out the door. We rode in silence for most of the ride. I acted like I was eating the breakfast bar. I was just chewing it and spiting it out. Lexi are you failing a lot of your classes? Mom are you failing at not pissing me off? I asked. I don't care. She said. That's obvious. I said. Can you try and bring your grades up? She asked. Oh I'm sorry I'm not perfect enough for you! I know I get. I'm stupid and I can't do a goddamn thing right! I screw up everything! That's not what I said you need to...I'm done talking to you. Shut the fuck up. I said. She tried to slap me but I grabbed her hand. If you slap me I'm going to slap you back! I yelled. What the hell is wrong with you?! She yelled. Nothing. You're a bitch I know that's what's wrong with you! My mom stopped the car. Alexis, you've been a bitch all morning and this weekend when you wouldn't come out and talk to anyone. Well that's because I hate you! I said. She slapped me. Get out! She yelled. Fine. You fucking bitch! I yelled. I got out and she drove away. The school wasn't that far away. If I run there that'd be good. I thought. Then I started running. No one can stop me from this. I'll fight until I get to zero.