My worse enemy (Anorexia)

Anorexic Lex

I was in shock a little bit. I kind of knew I needed to be here though. I was scared too. My parents thought I was so messed up they want me in the hospital. We got out the car. I felt weird. Some guy with a wheelchair came out and told me to sit down. He wheeled me to a room really fast. A nurse came in the room. Hi. She said. I'm just going to take your vitals. Okay. I said. I was freezing cold. She gave me a hospital and an allergy bracelet. She started taking my vitals. She looked really worried. Let's try again. She she said. She looked more worried. She looked at my mom. Then she looked at me. Then she stepped out and two other nurses came in the room. One nurse did the same test the first one did. You just aren't eating or drinking at all. The nurse said to me. I didn't know what to say. I do. I try. For the fact that you're shivering in a room that's warm all the hair you have on your arms and you extremely low heart rate tells me you aren't. It wasn't a question and now you're lying. Then she got a really worried look on her face. Get her on the bed. The nurse said. They did. Then she started shouting out a bunch of orders. They pushed me out of the room on the bed. There were doctors now a lot of them all talking at once. All the nurses were still there to. I was really scared I was crying a little and going in and out. They said my organs were failing. And they needed to get me to some area very quickly. I lady kept sticking me with a needle. She's too dehydrated. She said. I can't even get the IV hooked up. I fell asleep for a while after that. I woke up my mom was crying. The nurse asked me what day it was. Hanukkah. I said. No it's Sunday evening and it's not Hanukkah or the holidays. It's not even close to it. She said. Looked worried. How old are you? She asked. What's this? I said. It's your oxygen. How old are you sweetie? I'm...I feel dizzy. I don't know. I said. I'm going to ask her in a few hours so she can get adjusted. My mom walked over to me. I saw her and my dad they both looked really sad and worried. My mom put her hand on my face. Hi. She said. You're 15 Lexi. Can we go home? I asked. No you have to stay here. Your dad and I talked about this the PS and your coaches and we all thought you staying here and getting help was best. I feel better. I said. Sweetie you didn't even know how old you are and what day it is. My dad said. It's Sunday night. I said. The doctors aren't giving us a choice. My mom said. You have to stay. Alexis. She said. What? I said. They don't know...she was crying. They think you might die Alexis. A lot of girls die from anorexia. I looked at her. I don't care. I said really coldly. My mom was crying. I wish you cared. She said. I don't. I said. My dad walked out I knew he was really upset. It's hard. My mom said. I just looked down. I had anorexia. She said. I looked at her. Oh. I said. You didn't die. I said. I know and I don't want to lose you to this horrible disease. Don't be surprised if I die. I said. Just because you didn't die doesn't mean I won't. A doctor walked in the room. My mom was still crying. I can't make her! My mom cried. I told her how her life's in danger she said she doesn't  care. She doesn't care if she dies! Okay. Alexis you don't want to get better? The doctor asked. I'm not sick. I said. Yes you are. Do you want to die. I don't care. I said. You don't care if you aren't living. No friends, no cheerleading, no mom and dad, no family no pets, no music nothing forever. You don't die and come back it's one and done. You'll be gone. Oh. I thought dead people came back to life. That's why Gorge Washington was walking down the street with Elvis. Alexis! My mom said. I know how death works! I said. Why don't you care? Because if I die a least I'll be skinny. You are skinny. Very skinny. He said. Like a starving child skinny. I'm not starving. I said. I'm not skinny. Do you like doing this to your mom? I don't care! I yelled. You are really scary. You scare people. It's past skinny it's scary. How does that make you feel. I want to cut myself right now. I said. Why? The doctor asked. Because I want to! We need to work on you expressing your feelings. Then, I threw a small tantrum. I need to talk to Alexis. The doctor said. Okay my mom said she stepped out. Okay. You're going to die. We all thought you would be dead right now. You are arguing with me and not trying to help yourself. I can't make you want to get better I can't make you care. You're scaring everyone. That's it. You're hurting yourself no now you're killing yourself this is past self harm. I don't know why you want to hurt yourself. Not eat take sharp things to your own skin and slice it open. I like the blood. The call buttons right here. If you decide you want to live and help yourself push it and I'll come back. Until then I feel really bad for your mom and dad who are extremely worried and upset. He walked out. Soon my mom came in the room. She looked so sad and scared. She sat on the bed I was in. Did he tell you how I'm going to die. I asked. No. She said. He told me I'm going to die. I'm going to die mom. I'll be dead. I'll be your dead little girl. You can sell my stuff because I'll be dead and I won't need it. Then you can be happy because I'm dead. You can tell people oh my daughter died but it's okay because no one liked her. I can just think of my cold dead body in a body bag. I won't have to dream about being dead anymore because I'll be dead. Where are you going to put me when I die? What kind of funeral with it be? You want me to die. You never wanted me you always wanted me to die. You'll probably throw my dead body in...STOP! She screamed. Stop! Stop! She was crying really really hard. I love you so much! I need you Lexi! I would never want you to die! I want you to get better and not want to hurt your own body because you like to. I've been doing everything. I told the doctor to do everything he possibly can! I wouldn't want to live anymore. She said. She looked really sad. What? I asked. Nothing. She said. My dad came in and he looked sad. I was starting to feel bad. I fell asleep again. A lady work me up. You need to eat this. She said. It was a sandwich. What? I asked. You need to eat this let's go. She handed it to me and sat on a chair. Where are my parents. They left. She said. What?! No one can sit a hospital forever without a break. They said they'd be back. Oh. I said. Why don't you eat. She said. I took a bite of the sandwich. It took awhile but I ate it. My heart was beating really really fast. I felt weird. A nurse came in and took my vitals. She looked worried. I ate. I told her. Yeah. She said and went out in the hall. Soon there were a bunch of doctors again. I was starting feel not good. They were all talking. Apparently my body was in shock because I hadn't eaten in so long. They kept waking me up. You have to stay awake honey okay. The doctor said. Why? I'm tired. You could die in your sleep. My parents came back. I'm guessing they wished they hadn't since they thought I was going to die again. It was over finally they let me sleep. A new doctor came in the room. Hi Alexis do you know what day today is. Sunday night. I said. No. That's what the other nurse told me. The other nurse told you that two days ago. It's Tuesday afternoon sweetheart okay? Oh. I said. I sat up. The doctor will be in to talk to you about the plan. Plan? Can I leave? The nurse looked at my mom. I ate my body didnt want it. That's not my fault. The doctor will be in soon. She said. I ate. I said to my mom. I know but they have to get your body used to not going into shock when you do. The doctor came in the room. Hi Alexis. She said. Hi. I said. She listened to my heart. She looked worried. Okay. She said. She looked at my arm. You did this to yourself? She asked. Yes. I said. She looked sad. That's to bad you're a very pretty girl. No I'm not. I said. Alexis that's rude. My mom said. It's okay. The doctor said. I'm glad you told me how you felt. So you are going to meet with the dietitian and the nutritionist today. We are going to get you together in a few days to go upstairs. What's upstairs. Psych ward. It's a place where they can help you. She said. So it's for people who are crazy?! I yelled. No sweetie. It's so you can feel better. My mom said. Awesome. I said. So now everyone is going to think I'm nuts. Lexi. My mom said. No one will think that. I started to cry a little. It's okay. The doctor said. The Therapist will be in shortly. We are going to get the feeding tube set up. The what? I asked. It's a tube that goes in your stomach and force feeds you. I looked at my mom. No. I don't want that. It sounds weird. How's it get in my stomach I'm not going to swallow anything. I said. The doctor looked  at my mom. It goes in nose to your stomach. No! I yelled. Mom tell her I'm not doing that! I yelled. Lexi you don't have a choice. No I'm not going to let them! I'll be back with everything. She said. Mom take me home! I said. I got up and started walking towards the door. My mom grabbed me. No! I yelled. I started crying. I don't want the tube! The doctor came back. You can do this okay? My mom said. No. You need to get on the bed. I can do it while she's sitting up it doesn't matter the doctor said. I just was squirming and crying. Sweetie I'm right here. My mom said. I can hold your hand while your on my lap. O....Okay I said. She held my hand. The doctor came over. No! I turned my head away really fast. Alexis. You have to hold still. The doctor said. No! I yelled. I'm going to have to get a nurse to hold you down then. The nurse came in and held my head still. I screamed. Alexis. It's going to hurt more if you scream. Either way I have to put it in so that's your choice. I'm just making you aware.