My worse enemy (Anorexia)

Just Chew it

I went to practice. Lexi I need to talk to you. My coach said. Are you feeling okay? Yes. I said. Is everything all right at home. Yes. I said. Is everything okay at All Stars? Yes. I said. Is anything going on here at school? No. You are failing some classes. I'm working on it. If you don't get them up to a D you can't cheer at Friday's game. She said. Oh. I said. Lexi you can talk to me anytime something is wrong. Okay. I said. Practice was over we all went to change. I was packing my stuff up. Two girls walked over. Liv and Dana. Why do you change in the bathroom? Liv asked. Cause I want to. I said. Why do you go in there to smoke? She asked and laughed. No. I said. I saw you outside with that guy smoking the other day. And you drink in school. And throw up in the middle of class. I just looked at her. Imagine if coach knew? She said and smiled. Then you wouldn't be number one on Varsity you won't even be a cheerleader for the school at all. You'd get kicked off. Leave me alone! I said. She laughed. I can tell her. Leah came over. Oh my god why don't you and your lesbian girl friend go someone else and finger each other before I hurt you and you won't even be on JV. If you say anything about Lexi. I'll tell on you dumb lesbian slut. I'm not gay VD. She said. Oh you aren't?! She yelled. Then why'd you fuck a girl?! Fucking ugly ass freshman cunt go away! She yelled. Are you okay? She asked me. I'm fine. I left. I ran home after cheer. I had bad pain in my chest. I had to lay down in the grass. I was so dizzy. Are you okay honey? A lady asked me. I'm fine. I said. Why are you laying in my yard? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry. I ran away. Leah was following me. What?! I yelled. You left your history paper on the bench. She said. Oh. Thanks. I said. Yeah. She said. Lex you need to start eating. Someone's gonna call the police you can't lay down in peoples lawns. I left. You were about to faint. She said. I was not. Go home. I said. I don't want to. She said. I'm going to Lina's house tonight and she's gonna force me to eat okay! I yelled. Okay. She said. I went home. I lit a cigarette it looked like no one was there. I walked in the house. My parents were standing right in front of me. My dad walked over to me and put the cigarette on my neck and burned me. Ow! I yelled. I never want to see or even hear about smoking ever again! He yelled. Okay! I said. If I here anything else I'm putting it out on your face. Fine. I said. I started walking away. I'm not done Alexis! He yelled. Why the hell are you failing?! He yelled. I'm working hard. I said. No an F isn't working hard. It's being a lazy ass. You want attention, now you have attention. I looked at my mom. Alexis you need to get it together. She said. I think maybe you should try a therapist. No! I said. I'm working please. She looked at me. Go upstairs and study then. She said. I walked upstairs. I played some BFS music and packed a bag for Lina's. I got a razor blade a dug it into my leg. No one can see it now. I thought. I wrote in my journal. Celery, sugarless gum and water. Going to start the princess diet this weekend. I climbed out my window and ran to Lina's. I knocked on the door. Her brother answered. Lina! Lexi's here! He yelled. She came to the door. Hi. She said. I went in. You can take your things to my room. I went in her room. Leah was climbing out the window. What are doing? Oh I'm leaving bye! She said really fast. I put my things down. Is pizza okay? She asked. I didn't say anything. Lex? She said. Yeah that's fine. I said. I laid on the floor and fell asleep. Lexi. Wake up. Where am I? I asked. You're at my house. Lina said. Oh yeah. I said. Pizza's here. She said. Oh okay. Can you help me study after? I don't really want to. Dude I'm failing like everything. You passed last year. 10th grade is the easiest grade in high school. She said. Well I'm really stupid! I yelled. No you aren't. She said. I'll help you. Good. I said. Don't talk to me like that or you can do it yourself. She handed me a plate. I looked at it. That's a plate Lexi you eat food off of it. I know what a plate is okay?! I said. You have an attitude. She said. No I don't. I said. Do you want coke. No. I said. Do you have water? Yeah. She said. All you eat and drink is water. She said. I can go home. I said. Fine Lexi go home. I don't want to. I said. Okay. You think it's funny how my dad hurts me don't you?! I yelled. I never said that. I didn't know he was hurting you. What's he doing? Well he burnt me today on purpose. I said. Where? I showed her my neck. Why? She asked. I was smoking. That doesn't look good though Lex. I know it still hurts like a bitch. She hugged me. You can come over whenever okay? She said. You're my sister! I'm not going to let bad things happen to you. Thank you. I love you. I said. I love you too Lexi. She opened. The box. It smelled really good. She handed me a slice. I stared at it. Please eat Lexi. I know I am. I said. I took a bite and started chewing. When Lina wasn't looking I spit it out. We were talking, laughing and watching TV. I just kept chewing and spiting it out. It tasted good though. You don't like it? Lina asked. No I do. Why are you spitting it out? She asked. I stared at her. Lexi I told you that you had to eat! You didn't say I had to swallow. I said. That was implied. That's how you eat! Did you forget. You know what fuck it I'm full that's all. I'm going to take a shower is that okay? Then we can study. That's fine. She seemed sad. I went to the bathroom. I took a shower. Lexi you can talk to me. Lina said. You already know everything you just don't like it. It's not healthy Lex. I'm fine okay. Okay. She said. We finished studying she was a big help. I think I can get my grades up at least to a C or high D and I can cheer at the game. Lina smiled. I still saw sadness. Are you sad? I asked her. No I'm not sad let's go to bed we have to go to school tomorrow. We got in her bed and went to sleep. I woke up at 1am soaking wet. I was wet and the bed was wet. I pissed myself! I thought. I started to freak out and cry. Lex what's wrong? Lina said. I'm so sorry! I said. What's wrong? I'm sorry. She moved closer. The bed's wet. She said. I started crying harder. Did you...Yes! I said. Okay. Get up I have to change the sheets. Okay. I said. I took the wet sheets off before she got back with the new ones. You need to put on dry clothes. she said. Okay. A lot of my clothes were at her house anyway. I got some sweat pants. I felt dizzy. Really dizzy. Lexi! Lina said. Can you feel it? Feel what? I asked. You just peed on my floor. I'm sorry I was dizzy. I held on to her. I think we should call your mom and take you to the hospital. No I'm okay. No! You aren't. 15 year old girls don't wet the bed and then pee on the floor. I'm sorry. Please don't tell anyone this ever I'm so embarrassed. I said. Okay I won't. She said. We got back in bed and I peed every 15 minutes before it was time to go to school.