My worse enemy (Anorexia)

The day I met Ana lexi

My parents got quite. You know what Alexis! My dad said. I'll talk to her. My mom said. Are you sure? My dad said. Yes. My mom said. He walked out and slammed the door. My mom walked over to me. I didn't know you were awake Lexi I'm sorry. She said. We need to talk about your journal. If I don't lose weight in three days I'm going to kill myself. If I gain weight I'm going to run in front of a train. She had tears in eyes. I'm cold all the time but it's worth it. Thin Thin Thin. I want to be thin very thin I want to stay thin then get thinner. I will always work to be thinner. I can't stop writing all the calories down and I'm so hungry but I need to stay strong. A few pages ahead. I'm not hungry anymore it's a feeling of power now. I'm so numb. I love seeing the blood after I dig the blade into my skin. There was a knock on the door. Come in. My mom said. A lady walked in the room. Hi Alexis. She said. I'm Dr. ought in your therapist. I'm not crazy. I said. I know you aren't crazy. She said. Can we have a conversation though? Okay. I said. I'm going to talk to mom first. They went out in the hall. That took some time. I got the tube out of me. The therapist came in. What happened to your feeding tube? She asked. I hate it! I yelled. Okay. She said. Why do you hate it? Because it hurts and makes me fat! I saw she was holding my journal. Why do you have my fucking journal!? I yelled. I want to talk about somethings. That's private. I said. I didn't read the whole thing. Your mom just wanted us to talk about a few things. They are going to have to put the tube back in you when we are done. No! I yelled. She looked concerned. You know if you don't eat you'll die. I know. I said. How do you feel about that? I don't care. Why? Because I hate myself! I said. Why do you hate yourself. I'm fat and ugly. I'm fat in every picture. What if I told you you are very skinny in every picture? You'd be lying. Alexis did someone tell you that you are fat? My ex thinks I am. He told you this? No but I know he thinks it. Why? She asked. He broke up with me. And I love him. I started to cry a little. Aw Sweetheart. She said. It's okay. Guys are stupid and there's other guys out there that you will meet and who will be meant for you. No one likes me. No one will want to marry me. I'm sorry you don't believe me. She said. You are a very pretty young lady. Do you still want to kill yourself or get hit by a moving train? I didn't say anything. Alexis? I didn't say anything. Alexis can you answer me? I didn't say anything. Alright we can try again tomorrow. Thank you for talking when you did. She said. She left. My mom came back in with a doctor. We are putting the tube back in and it needs to stay in or I'm going to have to strap your hands. Fuck you! I yelled. My mom pinched my arm really hard. Alexis cut it out! My mom said. You aren't going to leave ever if that's how you want to act.  The doctor said. The nurse walked in and held me down. No! I started crying. My mom rubbed my head. They put the tube in and left. You are doing well. My mom said. She hugged me. I love you. She said. I'm sorry. She said. I'm sorry I'm screwed up. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I said. Baby. You aren't screwed up and you are better than any daughter I could have asked for. You can fight this you are my strong girl Lexi. I need to use the bathroom. I said. Okay. She walked me to the bathroom. I peed. I flush and washed my hands. How was it? My mom asked. What? I said. Did you poop? My mom asked. Mom. Alexis it's important did you poop? No. I said. Okay. She said. You've been having gas so hopefully soon. I don't have gas. I said. Yes when you sleep. My mom said. Mom! I said. The nutritionist came in. He was young and really good looking. Hi Alexis. He said. Oh...um hi. I said. Hi. My mom said. Hi Mrs. Kaufman. He said. He had a chart with my name on it. He started talking about how we were going to start with 6 small meals a day. Tomorrow. And making the amounts bigger and less meals once I go upstairs. When can the tube go? I asked. When you reach your weight goal. Which is what? I asked. Don't worry about it sweetie. My mom said. I just want you to keep pushing forward. I lost focus after that. I was staring and the guy. He wasn't married he wasn't wearing a ring. I wonder how old he was. Alexis. Alexis? He said. Yes? I said. Are there foods that you remember enjoying? I don't like food. I said. You never liked food? He asked. I changed. I said. What did you like before you changed? He asked. Stuff I'd vomit if I ate it. I said. On purpose? No. I said. I'd feel sick. Have you ever thrown up food on purpose? I looked at my mom. Answer him Lexi. She said. I shrugged. You don't know? He asked. I looked at my mom. Sweetie it's a yes or no question. She said. Do you not remember? He asked. It only happened a few times when this started. One time my friend said I didn't eat so I ate and threw up after. I said quietly. Okay. He wrote it down. We are going to give you everything from the food pyimid and some milkshakes. No I don't want milkshakes. It's not a choice. He said. He left. I'm not drinking shakes. I told my mom. You want to be a statistic. My mom said. What? I said. You want to be the 1 in the 1 in 4 girls that die. She said. No. I said. That's what you've been telling me for the past few days. Oh. I said. So that's what you want. She said. No. I said. I don't know! I yelled. You want die. You want to die. I kept hearing in my head. You're fat and ugly you should die. No! Stop! No! I yelled. Die. Get thin or die fat pig! I don't know if I want to! I saw a girl standing next to me. She looked like me she was very skinny she was perfect. Hi. She said. Hi. I said. I'll help you be zero pounds. She said. I started feeling dizzy. Then I started to cry.