My worse enemy (Anorexia)

Boiling point

We drove to school in silence. Are you pissed at me? I asked. No I'm just tired. She said. Oh. I'm sorry I kept you up. I said. It's fine Lex. She said. She seemed like she had no real emotion. Oh. I said. Are you coming to the game tonight? I asked. I don't know. She said. You always come to support me. I have a life though Lexi. Get out we're here. She said. I got up at sat down on the ground. I felt so weak. Lex come on. Can you help me? I asked. Help you what? Like can you carry me? Why the hell would I need to carry you?! She asked. Because I'm having trouble walking and I need to use the bathroom. Dude if you pee on me...I'm not going to pee on you. She picked me up. I went to the bathroom she carried me to my first class. I guess I fell asleep because she had to wake me up when we got there. Lexi wake up. She said. I felt horrible. She carried me in the class. I'll see you later. I said. She just walked out. Awesome. I thought. She's mad at me. Aw did you and you're girlfriend break up? Sasha asked and laughed. I put my head down. You are so gross. She said. No one wants you. She saw my arm. Oh my god look! She cuts herself! Leave me alone! I yelled. Or what you'll cut yourself? Her and her friends laughed. I went through that class. I went two my second class and fell asleep. Alexis. The teacher had to wake me up. Are you okay? He asked. Yeah. I said. Okay the office called they want you to go down. Okay. I got my stuff and walked down. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't do anything. Maybe my mom was here. I walked in the office. Hi you wanted to see me? I asked the lady at the desk. No you need to go straight back to the door on your right. Oh. Okay. I said. What was this? I walked back and knocked on the door. Come in. A lady said. I walked in the room. It was small. I saw Lina she looked like she had been crying a lot. Hi Alexis. The lady said. Hi. I said. What's wrong? I asked Lina. Sit down please. The lady said. I sat down. Why am I here? I asked. We're going to talk. Okay. I said. How are you feeling? She asked. Fine. I said. Are you happy? Yes. I said. Alexis when's the last time you ate? I looked at Lina. She looked at me. Oh my god! I yelled. I eat! I yelled. You didn't answer my question. The lady said. I ate last night. No you didn't. Lina said. Yes. I did. I said. Alexis. The lady said. What? She's lying I don't know what's she's talking about. I said. You look like you aren't eating. Well I am. Your hair is coming out. Lina said. She's lying. I said. The lady held up a bag with my hair in it. I've talked to several students who are worried about you. I wanted to cry. She handed me a muffin. Can you eat this for me? She asked. I started shaking. Then I started crying. I don't want it! I yelled. I'm not hungry! Can I see your arm? She asked. I looked at Lina. You're going to be really sorry! I yelled. I wasn't kidding. I said. I told you. Lina said to the lady. What weren't you kidding about Alexis. The women asked. Nothing! I yelled. Don't talk to me ever again! I yelled at Lina. You're so messed up! I want to punch you! Lina I'm going to talk to Alexis individually. Okay. She said. She left. I started crying really hard. Alexis? Can I see your arm? She asked again. No! I yelled. Alexis. You can't make me! I can't. So do you want me to call your parents? They will roll up your sleeve then we can all see your arm. I hate this! I yelled. I hate myself! I started crying again. Why do you hate yourself? She asked. I'm ugly. I said. I don't think you're ugly. She said. Oh well I am. So do you want me to call mom and dad or can you show me by yourself? I rolled up my sleeve. She looked disappointed. The nurse is going to have to look at your whole body now. she said. Yeah I'm not taking all my clothes off in school. I said. Okay. She said. The nurse has to treat your arm though. Fine. I said. Mom is going to need to look though and probably a doctor. Well that's not happening. I said. It's my body I can do what I want with it.  Does your mom know you're hurting yourself? No. I said. What about dad? No. I said. Do they know you aren't eating? She asked. I really don't care. I said. Is anyone home? She asked. My mom. I said. Do you want me to call your mom then? She asked. You said you'd only call if I didn't show you my arm and I did! I said. I have to tell your mom what you are doing Alexis. You could really hurt yourself. You aren't eating that can make you very sick. You're also threatening other students. I never threatened anyone! I yelled. If you tell someone what I'm doing I'm going to kill myself. I'm serious I'm going to cut open my vein and bleed to death. Is a very serious threat it's also abuse. Then you said it to her while she was in here. Mom needs to watch you and be aware of this. No. I said. It wasn't like that! So do you want me to call dad? No! I yelled. Mom or dad? She asked. No. I said. It's not a choice if you don't chose I'll pick. I started crying. Alexis. She said. My mom. I said. Okay. She said. She pulled out a sheet of paper and started dialing. My mom answered of course. That's the the icing on the cake. Cake actually sounded good. Thinking about eating cake was helpful. They talked for awhile. She told her what I was doing. Then she told her she needed to come get me because I was a danger to myself and others. I was really pissed. The lady looked at me. Your mom wants to talk to you. She said. She handed me the phone. Hi. I said. My mom was crying. I'm sorry. I said. Alexis why? She asked. I started crying. I'm sorry. I said. Why are you cutting yourself? She asked and started to cry harder. I like to. I said. You like to hurt yourself? Yes. I said. Oh my god! She yelled. I'm sorry. I said. I'll be there in ten minutes okay. She said. Okay. I said. I handed the phone back. After a minute the lady hung up the phone. You're mom wants to wait and go to the nurse with you. Okay. I said. I picked up some putty and played with it. My mom walked in the room. I looked up at her. Come on. she said. Do you know where the nurse is? She asked. Yes. I said. She hugged me. She was still crying. We walked in the office. Hi the nurse said. Hi my mom said. I didn't say anything. I sat down while she put ointment on my arms. Okay. Can you come over to the scale for me please. Yes. I said. Turn around. She said. Why? I asked. It's for me and your mom. Okay. Why can't I see? Because it's not a healthy idea my mom said. Why isn't it? Alexis do what the nurse is telling you to. Fuck it fine. I said. Alexis! She yelled. I don't want to here that word come from you ever again while you live in my house. I stepped on backwards. The nurse looked mad. She started writing stuff down. My mom started crying. Don't cry. I said. I want to loss weight. I said. Then she started bawling. Mom please stop crying. I said. I can't. She said. You aren't well and you're scaring me. I'm fine. I was crying a little. The fact that you told me you like hurting yourself and you want to keep losing weight when you're already at a very unhealthy weight is not fine. You need help. I don't! I yelled. I don't! I started crying more.
I told my mom I needed to get stuff out of my locker. Lina and I shared a locker so I decided to ruin her stuff. I wrote I hate you on some of her stuff in permit maker. I broke stuff. I wrote you're a lying bitch on her sweat shirt.
My mom took me home. I fell asleep. I got ready for cheer. My mom didn't say anything. The game was okay. I wasn't happy. It was really hard to pretend to be really happy. I smoked and then I walked in to the locker room. Lina was in there. She looked at me. Why'd you ruin my stuff? She asked. Because I hate you. I said. I was trying to help. You want me to be fat and ugly! I yelled. Lexi you aren't fat or ugly. You're such a lair! I yelled. I'm not lying. She said. Yes you are! I yelled. I hate you. You lied to me! I started crying and I threw my bag on the ground and kicked it. Leave! I yelled. The only person I hate more then you is me! I yelled. Leave! Watch me I'm going to kill myself this weekend! I yelled. I'm sorry. She said. I'm sorry I wanted you to be healthy. I was scared. She said. I'm scared to! I'm scared I'll be fat forever! The one thing I can control and I can't even do that right. I yelled. Lexi I...No fuck you! I yelled. I'd never said that to her before or anyone except my mom the other day that still wasn't normal. She left. I changed and left. My mom and dad drove me home. No one talked. We got home. I took a shower and put on my pajamas. Alexis. Can you come to the kitchen? My mom asked. Yeah. I said. I went in the kitchen. Sit at the table please. I sat down. My mom placed a chipotle taco in front of me. She looked at my dad. We need to eat this. She said. I don't want to. I said. It's not a choice. My mom said. I'm not going to eat it! I said. Why? My mom asked. Because I don't want to. Well you need to eat it anyway. Something really weird happened. I threw the taco across the room. I'M NOT GOING TO EAT! I screamed. I started throwing a lot of things. I threw a pan at the wall and it made a hole. I think I passed out after that because next thing I knew I was in my bed. My mom and dad were looking at me again. I'm really tired. I said. Okay. They said. Then they left and I fell asleep. I stayed in my room on Saturday. A lot of hair was coming out and I was freezing.

The next day was Sunday. My mom came in my room. I need you to get ready for synagogue okay? She said. Okay. I said. I got dressed. I came downstairs. I'm ready. I said. Erin was standing at the door. Hi. She said. Hi. I said. Did you go to PS on Friday? I asked her. She looked at me. I didn't. I wrote some stuff down. What did you write down. Just that I was worried about you that's all. I wish you didn't do that. I said. Come on we need to go. My mom said. We got in the car. I thought it was odd Erin was coming to with us. Sometimes she did but she didn't sleepover or anything. We drove for awhile. Then we pulled up to a big building. This...isn't synagogue. I said. Where are we? I asked. Alexis we're at the hospital so you can get some help. My mom said.