My worse enemy (Anorexia)

Sad and Moody

The tube went in after an hour. I got back in bed. You did well sweetie. My mom said. It hurt to talk. I was crying. I'm going to be fat! I said even though it hurt. I'm taking this thing out! No you aren't Alexis. My mom said. A nurse knocked on the door. You have a visitor. The nurse said. I do? Yes. She said. She's a girl about your age. Okay. I said. Erin walked in the room. She had a gift bag and a big stuffed bear. I was really happy to see her. Hi! I said and smiled. Lexi! Hi! She hugged me. I'll let you girls talk. My mom said. She walked out. This is for you. Thank you! I said. I love the big bear! I opened the gift bag. A panic! At the disco CD was in there and a CD player. The flowers and cards are from the cheer team. Aw. I said. I got you a big blanket too. It was blue and purple and really soft. Thank you so much! I love you. I grabbed my chest. What's wrong? She asked. The tube really hurts when I talk. Don't talk then. Write stuff down. How's school? I wrote. It's fine. She said. Are they talking about me? She looked at me. A little. She said. What are they saying? No Lex you just get better. She said. I hate it here. I wrote. I'm so sorry. She said. I'm going to come everyday. She said. I smiled. They forced this tube in me. I wrote. It's to help you. She said. You probably won't need it too long. It's slow and I lost too much weight. I wrote. Oh. She said. I'm going to be a fat ass now. I wrote. No! Lexi don't say that. You aren't. They thought I was going to die. I said. I wanted to tell her not wrote it. She started crying. She hugged me. Lexi. I'm so glad you didn't. I'm making my parents sad. They would have been better off without me. Lexi! She said. My mom wanted to kill her self. I wrote. Did she tell you that? She said if I did die she'd kill herself. I wrote. I'm so sorry. That's so scary. She said. You should talk her about it and make sure she's okay. I don't want my mom to die. I love her. I wrote. She had Anorexia like I do. I wrote. She understands me. I was really mean to her and I feel like shit. Say sorry. I'm sure she'll understand you were having a hard time. I slapped her. I wrote. I started crying. She put her arm around me. I'm such a fat ugly stupid bitch! I wrote. No! She said. I wanted to die. I wrote. Do you now? She asked. I don't know. I said. I hate myself. I'm so fat and ugly. No one wants me here. Lexi. She was crying. I want you! She said. You're my best friend! You are beautiful! I love you. And I want you to love you too. Why would you think no one wants you? Girls at school tell me to kill myself. That I'm ugly. That I'm worthless. They said everyone would be happy if I was dead. They said I should hang myself in my yard and my parents would celebrate. They say I'm gross and I'll always be a virgin because I have a lots gross diseases and I smell bad. She looked sad. What girls are saying these things Lex. I wrote down Sasha. She's a cunt! Erin said. I'd never heard her talk like that before, so I knew she was mad. She hugged me. The tube! It hurts! Bad! I wrote down. Should I get your mom? Yes. I wrote down. She went to get my mom. She came back in with my mom. I have to go I'll see you tomorrow. Baby are girls being mean to you at school? I shook my head yes. Aw my sweet Lexi. Can you show me what you wrote they were saying? I shook my head no. I didn't need more issues. Can you tell me some of the things they say? They call me ugly. I said. My mom started crying. You aren't ugly! She said. They're jealous. She hugged me. Tube hurts bad. I said. I'll call the nurse okay? The nurse came in. She looked at the tube and the mush that was going inside of me. When's the last time you had your period? It's been gone for about 4 months. I wrote. 4 months. She said and she wrote it down. My mom looked really crushed. I had never seen her look this sad. When is the last time you had a bow movement? I can't go. I wrote. When's the last time you could go? I shrugged. A week? Two weeks? Probably more like 3. I wrote. It was water. That's really not good. You need to go. you can't even think about going home until you have bow-movements regularly. They will be checking in on that upstairs too. I'm peeing a lot. I wrote. You need to poop Alexis. My mom said. I like not having a period. I like not pooping. Do you like the tube? My mom asked. No. I wrote. I can't do anything about the tube pain. I could put pain killers in the iv but that's about it. Okay. I said. Try not to talk to much. She said. She added the pain killers. I'm going to add a medicine to try and get you to start pooping. I just looked at her. I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later. My parents were sitting in the room. They both looked sad. It's my fault. My mom said. I knew she was showing signs. Then I found note cards and her journal. Where's the journal? My dad asked. I had forgotten about it. It's right here. I took it out of her room. It's awful and scary looking at how she hates and abuses herself. Are beautiful daughter hates herself! My mom was crying I could tell by her voice. What if we lose our baby?! We won't she's going to be okay. Don't blame yourself. I was so frustrated with her. I really thought she'd get it together and eat. I don't even know if she'll pass 10th grade. She's failing and now she's here for who knows how long. D's aren't failing! I said. I got most of my grades up to D's. Just so you know I'm never going to eat anything again.