My worse enemy (Anorexia)

A scary thought

My mom's car was out front so she was home. I walked in the door. Mom I'm home. I said. I put my stuff down. Mom? I looked around I didn't see her. I went upstairs. I heard her in her and my dad's room crying. She did that sometimes. We never really talk about it though. She comes out when she feels better. I knocked. Mom, are you okay? She just kept crying. I went in my room wrote what I ate in my journal and how disgusting I felt. I have to keep pushing. I measured my waste after that. I fucking hate myself! I said. And threw the measuring tape. I sat on my bed. My mom came in my room. Mom I'm really sorry I was mean this morning. I said. Okay. She said. How was your day? She asked. Fine. I said. How was cheer? Fine. She rubbed her hand on my head. She seemed shocked. I saw the hair in her hand. I just looked at her. Lexi. She said she looked sad. I feel like I'm watching my daughter disappear. She said. I'm sorry. I said. Maybe you should have another kid that's better. Don't say that. My mom said. I love you so much. I don't want another kid I have you. Besides I wouldn't be able to take care of you and a baby. I don't need you to take care of me. I'm almost 16! Okay. She said. Why were you...crying? I asked. What do you want for dinner? She asked. You can leave now. I said. Okay. She said. She left. My phone rang. Hi. I said. Hey Lex I wanted to make sure you were okay. Leah I'm fine. Then why are you so angry? I'm not angry. I said. Well you're moody. She said. I'm not moody. Yes you are. She said. If you called to fight with me I'm going to hang up. No I didn't I wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm fine. Okay then I'll see you tomorrow. Okay I'll see you tomorrow. I hung up. I walked to the bathroom. Then I laid down and fell asleep. I had a really bad dream. I was really fat and I couldn't lose the weight. So I jumped off a building and killed myself. I heard a knock on my door. Come in. I said. Hi. My dad. said. Hi. I said. Why did you upset your mom? I didn't on purpose. I said. You did. He said. No I didn't! I said. Yes you did you've had an awful attitude for a while now! Fine I hurt mom's feeling on purpose! That's what you wanted me to say. This needs to stop! He said. I'm not doing anything wrong! I'm sorry I'm not good enough! I yelled. Everyone acts like I killed someone! You need to relax. He said. Okay. You can leave now. I said. This is my house you can leave! You don't want me?! I said. That's not what I said Alexis. You need to lose the attitude! I don't have an attitude! You need to get out before get really mad! I yelled. I'm already really mad. He grabbed my arm really hard. Ow! I said. Let go! Maybe if you didn't have such a bad attitude you would win more at your competitions! It's expensive and you are being a little bitch. Well. If you weren't such a horn dog I wouldn't be here and things wouldn't be expensive! I yelled. He grabbed my arm pulled me up and pushed me in to the wall. We looked at each other. You need to come down and eat dinner. He said. No. I said. You don't want to eat with your family? No. I said. Fine! Stay here and don't eat dinner I really don't care! He said and left. I sat on my bed. I started crying a little bit. Now I suck at cheer too! I can't do anything right! I threw my radio at the wall. I left my room to use the bathroom. I heard my parents talking. I really think she's having a hard time at school. My mom said. With what?! My dad asked. I don't know she doesn't talk to me anymore. It might be the break up. So she's acting like this over a guy? It hurt her. My mom said. She really needs to get over that. That's stupid. I think maybe she should talk to someone. She's getting older. You want to pay for her to talk?! He yelled. I don't think she's eating. I don't remember the last time I saw her eat. She needs to figure that out. My dad said. We aren't going to sit here and force feed her and then pay for her to talk! She's not 2! She's old enough to know she needs to eat. She's being a brat. I don't know. My mom said. She's being an attention whore and it's working for you because you are giving her your attention. I walked back to my room. I started crying really hard. I was so depressed. My phone rang again. Hello. I said trying not to sound like I was just crying. Oh my god why are you still alive? I thought we decided you were going to hang yourself. Why do you want me to die? Cause you're a fake ugly piece of shit. She said. You're gonna die alone because no one likes you. Stop. I said. No you dumb worthless bitch. No one needs you. When are you going to learn that? I hung up the phone. I was wishing my whole dream was really not just the fat ugly part. I got in the shower. Then I filled the bathtub up with water. And laid down again. I got to scared and sat up gasping for air and started crying. I got out and dried off. I brushed my teeth and went in my room I got dressed. I got some scissors that were on the floor. I played with them for a while. I wish I could cut all my fat off then I wouldn't be ugly. I lifted up my shirt and took the scissors and cut my stomach. Blood started rushing out. Something about this was okay. I took the scissors to my wrist. I dug the blade in to my skin about five times. My arm was covered in blood. I just stared at it. I wanted to do more. Then my phone rang again. I picked it up. If you keep harassing me I'm calling the fucking cops. Lexi? It was Lina. Oh sorry. I thought you were Sasha. She's harassing you? Lina asked. She's really mean to me. I started crying. Everyone wants me to die. Oh my god did she tell you that?! I fucking kill her! I didn't want her in trouble and have not be at school. No I just figured. I said. No wants you to die Lexi. Do you still have those thoughts. I could tell she was crying. Don't cry. I said. No tell me! I have a lot of thoughts. I said. I mean bad ones. She said. Yeah. They say I'm ugly and fat and I need to...I stopped. What you need to do what Lexi? Nothing I'm just a mess. I said. Tell me if it's something I'd like to see you walk in to school tomorrow not on the news. I'm not going to be on the news. I said. What else happened besides Sasha calling you? My mom talked to me. Then my dad did. He grabbed my arm really hard it still hurts. Then he pushed me and called me a bitch. Then he told my mom I'm a stupid attention whore. What?! Oh my god! Do you want me to come get you and you can sleepover here? I'd like that. I said.