My worse enemy (Anorexia)

I'm fine

I walked into school. I threw the rest of the breakfast bar away. I walked to my locker. I was still so cold. That was weird because it wasn't that cold in the school or everyone else didn't care it was cold. I was hungry I needed some ice to eat. Hey! I turned and looked. It was my best friend, Lina. Hi. I said. Are you cold? I asked. No. She said. Are you cold? She asked. Yes I'm very cold. I said. Do you feel okay? She asked. Why wouldn't I feel okay?! I'm fine! Calm down. Sometimes when people have the flu they get chills. Oh. I said. Sorry. I'm going to get some ice do you want to come with me? Yes. She said. Why do you want ice if you're cold. I just do. I said. She gave me a weird look. What? I said. Is something wrong with me? Am I ugly?! Lexi! No. Let's walk so we aren't late for class. We were walking I had a weird pain in my chest. Ouch. I said. It went away in a few seconds. Are you okay? She asked. Yeah. I said. You look like a ghost. She said. What do you mean?! I yelled. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side. Lex what's wrong? She asked. Nothing. I said. No something is wrong you've been weird for almost 2 months. Thanks. I said. If you don't like me it's whatever. No. You really need to get it together. I'm trying! I know I'm ugly and disgusting thank you. What?! She said. You aren't ugly and disgusting. Did you eat or drink this weekend? Why? I asked. You look dehydrated. Well I'm getting ice. You didn't answer my question. I wasn't hungry this weekend. You haven't eaten in three days?! She yelled. Be quite! I said. You need to get something to eat now! She said. That's why I'm getting ice. Ice is not food. Yes it is. I said. So if I go to the PS consular and tell her you're living off nothing and ice that would be okay because ice is food? My stomach hurt. Don't tell anyone! I yelled. Why if nothing's wrong? She asked. Leave me alone! I yelled. It's my life I can eat what I want to! I stormed off to the ice machine. I got my ice I ate it. I felt so much better. I walked to my first class. I was early so I sat down and took out my journal no one was in there. Then Sasha and her friends walked in the room. Aw Lexi has a little diary. What are you 8? I can only image what you write in that thing. I feel like I'm five years old because I'm little and I cry all the time. You're gonna cry now I can tell. She said and smiled an evil smile. Oh I'm a virgin I don't think I'll lose my virginity until I'm 100 but probably not I'll always be this way. Every time I try to fuck someone they throw up because I'm disgusting and gross. I'm a cheerleader but I'm so ugly they felt bad for me that's why I'm on the team. You smell so bad must be from the stds your mom gave you when you were born. Stop! I yelled. That's not true! It's all true. She said. You're so ugly. Why? She asked and laughed. I looked down. Stop! I said. Why is it hurting your feelings? Yes. I said. Aw! Poor Lexi. If you kill yourself your feelings won't be hurt anymore and everyone will celebrate because no one likes you. Even that loser you were dating wants you to die. What's actually in here? She said and tried to take it from me. Stop! I yelled. No I want to read it, it'll be funny. Let go! I yelled. Why is there something you want to hide? I felt like I was going to cry. Oh! Lexi's Diet plan. Oh my god! She laughed. You're on a diet now? Leave me alone! I yelled I grabbed my things and walked out. Becky was walking in the room. Are you okay? She asked. Yeah I just need to go to the bathroom tell the teacher that's where I am. Okay. She said. Instead of making a diet plan make a plastic surgery plan. Then make a plan about how you're going to kill your self. I kept walking. You should hang yourself. I ran. I was crying really hard. I went into the bathroom still crying. Hey. What's wrong? I don't want to talk about it. I said. I looked at Leah. She's my friend too. She was sitting up by the open window. You want one too. She held out a cigaret. I was still crying a little. No. I said. You want some weed. No I don't want to get in trouble. You won't get in trouble. She said. You've gotten in trouble. Yeah because I smoke weed every other day. You won't get in trouble for doing it once. I was messed up when you gave me that brownie. I know you have to relax. The last thing you want to do is freak out tell your mom your high again. She came down from the window. Why are you crying? I'm not. I said. No you are I'm not that high yet I know I'm not seeing things. You get like five minutes of sleep every school night you are seeing things. I know you get eight hours. She said. No. I get 7 or 6. Oh I actually slept for two hours last night. She said. That's better than five minutes. I said. I know. Why are you sad if you aren't gonna medicate yourself you should talk about it. No one likes me! I said. That's stupid. She said. Lots of people like you! No they don't! I said. I'm so ugly I hate myself I was crying really hard again. She hugged me. Lex you aren't ugly. Then why do people tell me everyday that I'm ugly? They're jealous. She said. Whatever. I said. I'm working on being beautiful. There's nothing to work on you are beautiful. No I'm not. I said. Don't lie. I'm not. She said. You're so hot. She said. Do you think I would have made out with you if you were ugly? I mean you are drunk and high a lot. I said. I'll kiss you right now. She came over. She kissed me. She smiled. I laughed. You can't do better than that? She asked. We're at school. I said. You have a boyfriend. I said. You don't. She said. Don't remind me. I said. What's that book? She asked. Oh it's a journal. I said. What's it say? It's private. I said. Private. She said. Yes. Can I read the first page. No. I said. Why does it say why you never eat lunch with us anymore? Shut up! I said. What you always have some where to be. Unlike you, I care about my future. I said. Oh my god. I think I'm going to not eat because I want a future. You know because I won't die or anything. I eat! I yelled. Okay. She said. Eat lunch with us than. Lina came in. What are doing. I'm smoking. I don't like English it's fucking stupid. Leah said. Not you. She said. Lexi. I'm in the bathroom. I said. You want me to go in to more detail? I asked. Yeah because you're in here yelling. That's not what I do when I go in the bathroom. Lexi's coming to lunch today. Leah said. That's good. Lina said I missed you. I smiled a little. I walked in to the stall. I felt like I needed to pee so much. That's good though cause I'm hydrated. I came out and washed my hands. Do you have a lunch? Yes. I don't know if I can come though. I said. Why not? She asked. I just remembered I need to study for a test I can't fail my mom has been on me. I said. Lina looked at me hard. What? I asked. I think you should study during study hall or at home. I can't...the test is today. We have study hall before lunch. She said. I can do what I want! I said. Well I thought....I don't care! I yelled. Why are you so upset? Lina asked. I hate my life that's why! I yelled. I hate my life too. Leah said. Am I talking to you?! I yelled. You need to stop yelling at me. She said. Why do you hate your life? Because it sucks. I said. Oh well that explains it. Leah said. Everyone is fucking harassing me! Even my mom she kept being so fucking annoying. She kept bothering me why are your grades low? You have to eat breakfast. She's such a bitch I mean...No shut up. Leah said. Because your mom cares about you and loves you. Your mom doesn't hate you. Well if she didn't she'd leave me alone. I said. If she didn't she wouldn't take care of you. I rolled my eyes. You're really a spoiled little cunt. She said. You're a fucking drug addict! I yelled. Oh and you're slut! She slapped me. Guys! Lina said. Stupid insane bitch! I pushed her. She grabbed my journal. Give it back! I yelled. No I'm too much of a stupid slut. Let's see what this says. Calorie count for...Give it back now or I'll kill you! I yelled. You're going to kill me? She asked. How are you going to kill me?! Are you going to shoot me with a water gun? Or no kill me with your back hand spring that you can't do anymore because it makes you too dizzy. No I know you're gonna make me count calories? Stupid piece of shit! I yelled. Ladies! The assistant principal walked in the bathroom. What seems to be the problem? Leah handed me back my journal. There's no problem. I said. You girls need to get to class then all of you. She said. I need to use the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and we went to class. 5th period was the period before lunch. I had study hall. I saw Lina. She told me to come over to her. Hey. I said. Why do you count calories? She asked. Because I like to. I said. You don't need to do that. She said. Yes I do because I like to. Why do you like it? She asked. To make sure I'm eating healthy. I said. You need to come to lunch. I don't have to. I said. If you don't I'm going to PS. Are you trying to scare me that's stupid. I said. Why would you go there? Because Lexi I don't think you're eating. Why do you think I'm not? Because you don't come to lunch. So? You eat ice for breakfast. So no food. And Leah said at cheer you don't eat when there's food. She told me you got dizzy on Saturday. People get dizzy. I said. You were dizzy on Friday too. That doesn't mean I'm not eating. I said. Are you eating? She asked. Yes. I said. Then come to lunch. Fine. I said. You want to run with me after school and practice? I asked. Why do you need to run? She asked. Because it's good
exercise. I said. Please. I said. She looked at me it's not a big deal. Yes it is. She said. Don't come then. I said. I'll come. She said. Thanks. I said. I went to lunch. I follow a girls blog for how lose weight. She feels like me. Celery makes you lose weight while you eat it. So I got some celery. I sat with my friends. I turned to Leah. Um...I'm sorry. I said. I'm sorry too. She said. You should be. I said. Who are you talking to?! She asked. You know what Lexi you're really starting to scare me. That's your lunch? She asked. Yes. Why am I scaring you? You're being so fucking weird and pissy. I'm not dealing with you right now I'm going to sit with my boyfriend. She walked away. Lina and Erin sat down. Hi. I said. Hi. They said. Where's Leah going? Lina asked. We were talking she freaked out I think she's high. I said. She's annoying anyway. I said. I see where she was mad. Lina said. I don't. Her mom treats her like shit. For real not asking if she's doing well in school. She doesn't even live with her mom. I said. Yes because her mom's sick and got sent away. That's not my problem. I said. You used to be so nice and sweet. Lina said. Well sorry I'm not good enough for anyone! Is that your lunch? Yes I said. That's not a lot. Is it food? I asked. Yes. Okay so it's fine. I said. We ran to my house after school. Hey thank you for running with me. I said you're welcome. Lina said. I felt light headed. Hey do you ever...want to die? I asked. No! She said. Do you?! Sometimes. I said. What?! She yelled. It's just sometimes. Don't tell anyone I filled the tub with water and I laid down in the bathtub last night. She looked scared. I was just seeing what it felt like. I said. To drown?! She yelled. I didn't die. I said. She looked like she was going to cry. I don't feel that way anymore though. I said. She hugged me. Lex. Please talk to me. Don't do that. I'd be so upset. Just call me okay. Okay. I said. I will. I'll see you tomorrow. She said. Bye. I said.