My worse enemy (Anorexia)

Don't tell anyone

You have to wake up. We need to go to school. Your mom keeps calling you. Lina said. No. I said. I don't want to. You have have to. I started crying. She hugged me. It's okay. It will be okay. I have you and...your back is really boney. That's how I want it. I said. That's not healthy. You just love yourself all the time don't you?! I yelled. No but I think you might be taking feeling insecure a little far. I'm not insecure! I just hate myself! I yelled. Saying you hate yourself is being insecure. She said. Well guess what I'm not! I just want to be perfect. I said. I think your perfect. She said. Well I'm not. I said. I need to use the bathroom. I got up I went. There were some blades in the bathroom. I dug them in to my skin just like I did with the scissors. It was like I was feeling something. I loved watching the blood rush out of my arm. I came out of the bathroom. Your mom keeps calling. Lina said. You should pick up my phone and tell her I'm dead. I said. Then I can kill myself. I laughed. That's not funny at all. She said. I thought it was. My phone rang again. I answered it. Hello. I said. Oh my god Alexis I've been worried sick! Are you okay?! Where are you?! Oh I'm fine I'm going to school. I said. Where were you last night. Out. I said. Doing what?! I didn't want to be at home okay?! You guys make me so sick I could stab myself! Lina looked at me. My mom was quite. Bye. I said and hung up. What are you looking at?! I yelled. You. She said. Are you ready to leave? Yeah. I said. We left she drove. She would drive me sometimes if she could use the car. I should have ran to school. I said. Lexi stop. She said. I'm not doing anything. I said. I need to use the bathroom. I said. Okay we'll be there in a few minutes. She said. I need to go right now. I said. She looked at me. You just went like 20 minutes ago. Yes now I need to go again really bad. What do you want me to do? There's no bathroom in the car and most of the stores are closed. Pull over. I said. You're going to go in the grass. It's better than going on my cheerleading skirt. Pull over I'm not kidding! I yelled. She did I got out. I sat in the grass and peed. After I was done. I got back into the car. Did you miss your period? She asked me. Why? I asked. I hadn't gotten my period for a while. It was nice. Because you're peeing a lot. You aren't yourself. She said. You aren't...pregnant are you? She asked. No. I said. Are you sure? Yes I've never had sex before I'm sure. Sometimes I miss my period. Okay. She said. We didn't talk the rest of the way. She parked and we got out of the car. We walked in the school. I need to use the bathroom real quick. I told her. You need to see a doctor. I'm not sick. I said. I went to the bathroom. I came out. Thanks for waiting. I said. You're welcome. I'll walk with you to class. She said. Okay. I said. We were walking. My ex walked past us I felt really horrible. Are you okay? She asked. It's just hard we were best friends now he won't even look at me. I'm disgusting. I said. Lexi no you aren't. She said. You have to believe me I'm your best friend. I shrugged. Can you not tell anyone anything I told you? I asked. What do you mean? Like the tub thing, the peeing thing, that I'm not getting my period and that... I'm a virgin. I said. Oh and that you aren't eating?! She yelled. Be quite! I yelled. Okay being a virgin not a bad thing. She said. I won't tell anyone but it doesn't matter. What about you? I asked. It's not really that fun or exciting. She said. Oh. I said. Did it hurt? I asked. Yeah kind of. Oh. I said. Why did you do it? I asked. It's dumb. She said. I was being being dumb. We're at your class. She said. Oh okay I'll see you next block. She grabbed my backpack. What? I asked. The rest of that stuff is really bad. You won't say anything though will you? She looked at me. Answer me! I yelled. I should. She said. I got really mad. I grabbed scissors off the a desk. Then I open them and held them up to my neck. She looked scared. Lexi put the scissors down. She said. Not until you promise not say anything! I yelled. She looked really sad. I won't say anything to anymore. She said. I put the scissors down. That's why you're my best friend I said and smiled. I love you. I said and hugged her. I love you too Lexi. She said. I just want you to be okay.

I walked in to my class. It was just me for now. I sat down and listened to music. Sasha walked in the room. I turned up my music and looked down. In about two minutes she grabbed my headphones. Hey! Give them back! I said. Give them back she said in a winy voice. No. She said. What are you listening to? She grabbed my iPod. Gross! She yelled. You listen to MCR why?! Give it back! I yelled. No what are you a depressed emo freak now? Her and her friends laughed. I grabbed it back. Aw. She said. I can't listen to music about how I should hurt myself and kill myself. It's better that you can though. I mean really Lexi if your music is telling you it's a good idea to kill yourself you should. That's not what the music is you're so stupid! I said. I'm not stupid. She said. Yes you are. I said. Your ex didn't think I was stupid when we fucked last night. I felt horrible. You're lying. I said. No I'm not. She said. We talked too. He said you weren't ready to have sex. You thought it was wrong. Leah walked in the room. She got in Sasha's face and said "Fuck off" Sasha laughed a little. I beat you up before. She said. Yes and I've beaten you up before. Sasha said. So have a lot of other people. No one at school has beaten me up. She said. Oh I got that I met when you leave here and come back with bruises. You shut the fuck up you stupid worthless piece of shit! She pushed. I'm going to kick your....Sasha started. The teacher walked in the room. I'm not sure what's going but everyone needs to take their seats. She said. We all sat down. I didn't sit next to Leah but close. I sat next to this other kid. Austin. He came in and sat down. Hi. He said. Hi. I said. We talked a little but not much. He stared at me sometimes I knew it was because I'm fat. I told him to stop the one day and he did. You look pretty. He said. What is that some kind of joke?! I asked. No I...I don't think it's funny! I said. I don't need you coming up to me saying that and then laughing about me later. I wasn't joking. He said. Shut up. I said. Sorry. He said. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I'm ugly and everyone makes fun of me. I...he started leave me the fuck alone. I said. I used the bathroom a few times my teacher asked if I was okay. Yes I'm fine. I said. I went again. I took my protractor out when I was done. It had a sharp edge. I dug that in to my skin. Then I heard foot steps. Erin came in the bathroom. Hi Lexi. She said. Hi. I said. Are you coming to the restaurant tonight for cheer. No. I said. Lex did I do something wrong? No. I said. I feel like we are growing apart. No. I said. I still love you you're still my best friend. I'm just focused. You can just come over after the fundraiser. I said. Ok she smiled and then her smile went away. Oh my god Lexi you're bleeding! I looked down. Oh yeah I bummed my arm on the sink. Why do you have a protractor in the bathroom? She asked. I carried it out by mistake. I'll see you later. I said and walk out really fast. I bumped in to Lina. Shit. I thought. I just needed to get away from everyone. Hey Lexi what's up. She said. Just leaving the bathroom. What happened to your arm. I banged it the sink it's fine. Okay. She said. I'll see soon. She said. I walked back to class. Soon the bell rang. Thank god. I walked out of the classroom. I was walking to my history class. I realized I was being followed. I turned around it was Austin. What are doing?! I yelled. I wanted to see if you were okay. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings okay? I'm fine. You need to go on with your day. He looked sad. I'm sorry. I said. I...know. He said. You know I'm sorry? That's rude. I said. No I know what you're doing. He said. What do you mean?! You know what I'm doing?! I yelled. Your arm is bleeding. I bumped it. No you didn't. He said. What? I said. He took my arm I felt so weak and tired it took a while before I notice what he was doing. No! Stop! I yelled. Oh my god. He said. Leave me alone! I yelled. Lexi wait. What! I yelled. He rolled up his sleeve. I saw it the scars and marks. We looked at each other. Um...I said. I...um. I couldn't find the words. I started shaking that had been happening. Are you okay. Yes I'm cold. I said. Then I blacked out for a few seconds. Lexi. He said. I'm okay. I said. I was really dizzy. I just held on to him. I wish you weren't depressed. He said. You don't deserve to be made fun of. Why do you care? I asked. Because I'm caring. He said. Why do you hurt yourself? I asked him. I don't have any friends. He said. And everyone calls me gay boy. Are you gay? I asked. He looked at me. It's okay. I said. I've kissed my girl friends before. No I'm not gay. He said. And that doesn't mean you're gay unless you are. He said. That's not my concern right now. I said. So you're a lesbian? He asked. No I laughed. I'm bi curious. I said. I've never told anyone that except Erin one time. Oh my god. Forget I said that. I said. You shouldn't be embarrassed. He said. I don't know you that well. I said. It's fine. He said. I'm not going to say anything. I don't have any friends. He said. Why do you hurt yourself? He asked. I like to. I makes me feel something besides numb and dizzy. He hugged me. I started crying and holding on to him. He hugged me and rubbed my back. He said it was going to be okay. I stopped at this point my makeup was ruined. Fuck I look so fucking ugly! I said. No you don't. He said. He smiled and wiped my tears. Thanks. I said. Do you want to go outside? Sure. I said. Do you smoke? He asked. Once. I said. Do you want to now? Sure. I said. He handed me a cigarette. I put it in my month and he lit it. Do you have more? Yeah you can have the pack. Really? I asked. Yeah. Do you think about suicide? He asked. I don't think about it. I don't care if I die. Once in awhile I want to die. I don't want to kill myself. I said. Oh why do you want to die. I hate my life. I hate school! My parents do not care what so ever about what's happening. Do you talk to someone. No. That's weird. I said. Oh I do. That's still weird. I said. Why? He asked. It's a stranger. It's also a doctor. He said. They'd tell my mom and dad everything. Not always. Only if you're about to die or kill someone. I'm not crazy so I really don't think I need that. You aren't crazy either. I said. Yes I am. He said. Cause people think something that isn't true? No one likes me. He said. I like you. I said. You don't have to lie. He said. I'm not mean to you. I said. I'll be your friend. If that's okay with you. I said. You want to be friends? Yes I said. Okay. He said. He smiled. I smiled and looked down. Don't look down. He said. When you look down I can't see your eyes. And you have have really beautiful blue eyes. I looked at him. I'm sorry. He said. I laughed. We looked each other and smiled. He leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. We kissed for about five seconds. I have to go. I said. I walked down hall into the bathroom.