crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 4

lolol i lied im not gonna re-write the last chapter from bianca's pov bc i want to go into bianca's issues 

SCHOOL STARTS IN THREE DAYS

GUS IS OK AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED

bianca pov

i could barely bring myself to get in the shower. i told myself it would be quick and over soon, and that i would feel better afterwards. i stand under the warm water and shut my eyes. i dont ever want to open them again. i sit on the floor of the shower. the warm water runs down my back and into the drain. i can hardly breathe. i open my eyes and see something silver glisten in the corner of my eye. pick. the blade. up. my fingers firmly grab at the razor blade so i can get a good grip. i extend my legs as my hands shake. chills fall down my spine as i slice through the thick skin on my thighs. i made many slits and watch the blood run down my legs. "this one is for you, Peep," i say as i drag the blade across my legs, going slightly deeper than before. "for not being enough," i say and i make multiple small cuts under the large slit in my thigh. the blade felt cool against my skin. "for all the extra weight that makes me even uglier than i already am," i say as i pull the razor across my legs again and again. "for falling in love with someone, knowing i'm gonna mess it up," i say as i make one vertical slit. my tears mix with the water pouring out of the showerhead. i force myself to stand and rinse out my new cuts in my legs. i pull myself out of the shower and wrap myself tightly in a towel. i sit on my bed and think about gus. "i will never be enough for you," i say aloud. "i will never be enough for anyone. i dont deserve anything that i have. i always fuck everything up. i shouldnt even be alive anymore," i ramble on. youre right. you dont deserve ANYTHING. you need to kill yourself. commit already. you shouldnt even be alive. all you ever do is burden other people with your life and your problems. biotch. i hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me. i hate myself for being depressed, why do i have to be such a wuss? i hate myself for complaining about things, i hate myself if im happy, i hate myself for eating when i know i shouldnt, i hate myself for continuing to cut. most of all, i hate myself because im still alive.i pull on a pair of black leggings and a pink hoodie. cutting your thighs isn't enough, you need to slit your wrists, too. 

i get a call from gus. "hellooo, peepers," i say with fake cheer in my voice. "hellooo, bianca," he mimiks. did my happiness really  sound that fake? "what's wrong, babygirl?" "nothing is wrong," i say. liar. "you feeling ok?" "yeah, im not sick," sick in the head. "why do you sound so sad?" "you ask a lot of questions," "is your mom home?" "no, she went to work. why?" "im coming over and wanted to know if i should come in the window or not," "door's unlocked," i sigh. i knew there was no point in arguing with him, he was coming over whether i wanted him too or not. suddenly, my chest tightens and i cant breath. what if he finds out? what if he gets angry? my palms start to sweat and my hands begin to shake. reason 293010 you should kill yourself: anxiety attacks over essentially nothing. i sink into my bed like its quicksand. tears form in my eyes. i try to calm down, but that makes everything worse. i am gasping for air. i am drowning but i cant die. suddenly, i feel more weight on the edge of my bed and two warm hands pull me up. i lay my head on his chest (DIMONDS RUBYS AND GEMS, YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF THEEMMMM) and he places his hands on my back. his touch is comforting. you do not deserve him. he doesnt enjoy your presence. he wants you to kill yourself. my head is pounding and tears begin to fall. "it's okay, baby," gus whispers. "you didnt have to come over," "yes i did," "no you didnt. you dont have to do anything for me," "yes i do," "no you dont! i dont deserve you or anybody else. im sorry i came into your life and ruined everything," "you deserve it all. you didnt ruin anything. dont apologize, you are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me," says peep. "what happened?" "i just.....i cant.. its..i. i dont..i cant really tell you," i force out. "you can tell me anything," "not this," "if you dont want to, its alright. im not going to force you," he soothes. i know it must be very strange to see me 'happy' one day and like this the next. iowe him an explanation, but how? i cant just say 'im sad because i cut myself, despite having everything i could ever ask for'. "i owe you an explanation," i decide on. "you dont owe me anything," "i do. i think you need to know, i can see it in your eyes, i just cant figure out how to say it," i say. i look up at him and his perfect features. i want him to figure it out on his own. i dont want to have to tell him. way to go, b. you are being soooo selfish right now. "you can say anything or you can say nothing. im right here with you, whichever one you choose," he says as he pulls me closer. i nod. his long hair tickles my neck as i rest my head on his shoulder. we sit like that for a little bit before peep tries to change the subject. "baby, its 93 degrees out! how are you even alive wearing a hoodie and pants?" he jokes. i dont say anything. his smile falls. i take a deep breath. "are you sure youre ready to hear this?" i ask him. "no, but i can handle it," he responds, looking concerned. "i've been in a bad place latley. this morning, i could barely bring myself to shower. i ended up sitting and out of the corner of my eye i saw...something," i start. i cant bring myself to say razor. he looks confused. "it was a blade," i whisper. i cannot look him in the eye. "i picked it up. i havent done it since before we met. i was doing really well, but i just...i couldnt NOT do it. i hate that i have everything but i still want to throw it all away," i explain quietly. i expect him to be mad, but he just pulls me close to him. "you shouldnt do that to yourself," he says. his voice breaks a little. "what does it matter? i am holding you and everyone else back from everything you could ever want. i ruin everything. nobody wants me alive. i dont want to be alive," i ramble. his breath catches. i realize how strikingly similar i sound to when he broke down last week. "i need you alive. you are the only reason that i am alive right now," peep says as he embraces me. he is lying to you. you're the only reason he is still HERE in this specific spot. he doesnt want to be with you. "your wrists?" he asks. i show him the few faded scars from 7th and 8th grade, before i grew the brains to start on my thighs. "these arent fresh," he states after running  his fingers over them. i see tears glistening in his eyes. "you noticed," i say flatly. "where else?" he asks. "hold on," i sigh and grab a pair of shorts to change into. i walk out and sit next to him. his eyes widen when he sees the amount of scars from three years ago, from three months ago, and from three hours ago. the newest ones havent even closed up yet. he grabs my hand and squeezes it. "i cant have you doing this to yourself," he says, voice shaking. "why do you care so much?" i say bitterly. "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, GODDAMMIT!!" he snaps. "you do?" i ask, wide eyed. "im sorry for yelling, i just-" "no, its fine. you love me?" "yes. i fell in love with you even though i tried not too. i dont think ive ever cared for someone as much as i care for you," he spills.  i am SHOOK. i stay staring at him, silent. "was that too soon? " "no. im just...no. it wasnt too soon," i say. we sit in silence for about a minute. "i love you too," the words float out of me. "you dont have to say it just because i did," "peep, it isnt because you said it. i truly am in love with you," i finish. he pulls me close to him. our lips connect and he kisses me passionately. i kiss back with the same amount of passion.i can smell his cologne and his lips are sweet and warm. i feel his tongue and open my mouth. our tongues swirl around, trying to become familiar with eachother. a soft moan escapes my lips as our mouths move in sync. i pull my mouth away, biting his bottom lip. my mouth finds its way back to his again. he cups my face and kisses me softly. "my mom is gonna be home soon, i dont want her to see my fresh scars, i have to change into leggings," i say. way to ruin a moment. he nods and i run off. i come back out of the bathroom and kiss him quickly. "you should probably go, not that i want you too," i say. "yeah," "goodbye, gus. thank you," "it was no problem, really. i love you," "i love you."

awww theyre so cuteeeee. sorry for another LONG. ASS. CHAPTER. i just really wanted to get into b's problems bc we already got into peepers' and itd be hard for him to sneak in during school lmaoo. if you liked/disliked anything specifically, LET ME KNOW. i need improvement on my writing, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! this took so long to write lmao shit so let me know if you like the long chapters or the short and sweet ones so i know which style to go with <3