crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 12

ok i think i do wanna make bianca a dancer? bc i feel like a lyrical/contemporary dance about a relatable topic to her would be really fun to write and also she can channel her suicidal thoughts and actions into dance the same way gus does with music? idk. i always ask for feedback but rn i am actually begging for it. how would you feel about that? 

bianca pov

i wake up to a text from brooke. 

brooke: im sorry :(

bianca: ??

brooke: you and gus didnt work out 

bianca: don't remind me

brooke: he wanted me to make sure you were ok

brooke: not just with this though like is your depression out of control?

bianca: typical gus :): im ok

brooke: why was he worried? you havent cut yourself since 8th grade lmao

bianca: haha idk

lies. i DO know. brooke hasnt seen my recent scars. she doesnt know that i relapse every month or so. she doesnt know that everyday, thoughts of suicide creep up on me. she doesnt have to though. every time she has found out she gets really angry and upset with me. i don't want to lose another person. brooke is one of the only people i have left who is close to me, so if not telling her about my relapses is what it takes to keep her in my life, so be it. i still cannot believe i let lucas intimidate me into dumping gus. he was the only guy i've ever truly loved. 

gus pov

gus: im sorry for what im about to do but i really think you need someone watching out for you

bianca: ???

gus: im telling either tracy or brooke. who would you rather?

bianca: about my freshest scars?

her freshest scars? how fresh are they? has she been hurting herself since the last relapse i knew of? what if im the one making her sad? god, i hate myself. i pick up the phone and call her. she picks up almost immediately. "its really hard for me to talk to you so make it quick," she says, sounding low. "how fresh are they?" i asks bluntly. "um, not too fresh, i guess," she lies. "why didnt you call me?" "because we arent together anymore," "you still need someone," "nobody else gets it," "even though we arent together i think you need someone to check in on you the way i did," i start hesitantly. "ok?" "tracy or brooke?" i thought it would automatically be brooke, but she takes some time to think. "brooke might get mad," she says, thinking out loud. "no she wont," "yes she will. we have had countless arguments ending with one of us walking away as the door slams," she says sadly. how could she get mad about that? "she gets mad because she doesnt understand. she thinks i just get sadand instead of cry, i rip apart my flesh," she says. damn, how did she know what i was thinking? "oh," "you know what? fuck it all. tell them both," she says quickly and hangs up.

gus: are you sure?

bianca: yeah

alrighty then. i text tracy to come over. when he is here, i roll up two blunts and give him one. weed makes everything easier. we talk about random things for a little while before i let anything slip. "im really worried about bianca," i say, trying to sound casual. "why?" "because she...its hard for me to say," i shrug. "is she on some shit?" "nothing but prescription xanax for anxiety. she just..hurts herself," i finally push out. "what do you mean?" "self-harming, t. she cuts herself. im afraid nobody is gonna be there and she will think she is out of reasons and just gonna..." i trail off. his eyes are wide. "cut too deep?" he adds gently. i nod. he takes inhales and exhales a huge puff of white smoke. "how long have you known?" he asks, breaking the silence. "since we started dating," "really?" "really." "does brooke know?" "bianca says brooke might get mad but to tell her anyways," "so you were the only person who knew? "yeah," "wow." tracy looks totally shooketh to the core. bianca was apparently a fantastic actress, because he had no idea it was coming. "bianca marie palmer. who would've guessed it? i knew she was depressed but i didnt think it was this bad," tracy states blankly. "can you, like, check in with her every once in a while? i dont want her to relapse again without anyone to save her from herself," i ask. tracy nods without hesitation. telling brooke won't be this easy, but we still gotta try.

i honestly dont feel like writing him telling brooke so lets just say he called her and she didnt get mad or fall apart she was just in shock

bianca pov

brooke: you should get back into dance

bianca: that was super random

brooke: he told me

brooke: i think it'll help you channel your depression the way gus does with his music

bianca: ill think about it

brooke: call me or tracy when you want to cut yourself

bianca: ok

that was way easier than i expected. she is probably in shock still. i have done a really good job of hiding the scars over the years. she might be right, though. if i channel my suicidal thoughts into dance, maybe i'll kill two birds with one stone: stop cutting so much and stop being a disappointment. worth a shot, right?

hahahaha i hate this chapter i think it's terrible but ya know LEMME KNOW HOW YALL LIKE IT