I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer know who I am. This girl looking back at me is someone I don't know. When did I get so lost? When did these sleepless night from being so high on coke become my life? How the fuck did I let it get so bad?
Looking down at the bag of white powder in front of me I see that I may not live much longer if I continue down this path. I don't want to give up anymore. I need to face all this pain I've been hiding. I need to feel everything again so I can move forward with my life.
I grab the baggie and open it. Instead of putting it up my nose, I dump it all into the toilet. Watching the white powder dissolve, I already start to feel free. I drop the baggy and straw into the toilet quickly flushing it away. I feel the tears streaming down my face. These tears were tears of strength. Tears that show I am stronger then this white powder that has been clouding my mind. It's time for me to mourn my loss. I can't do that if I keep putting shit up my nose.
I refuse to let my life end because I'm to scared to deal with my demons. I've made my choices and I will regret it forever but I need to live again. I have to start with leaving the people who enable me in the past. I know this road is going to suck but I know it will be worth it in the end!
"Niki are you ok?" I hear my mom say on the other side of the bathroom door.
"No I'm not mom. But I will be." I say while turning the shower on.
"You know you can tell me anything right babe?" Maybe someday I can but right now I need to do this my way.
"I know mom. I'll be ok. I love you. Oh I fed Barney already so don't let his fat ass try to fool you!" I say laughing knowing he was probably eating her cats food.
"Ok babe. I love you too."
I step into the shower and the hot water runs over my shoulders. I feel my muscles relaxing. They are less then happy about the involuntary shaking it was doing. Fuck these withdrawals are going to suck something fierce. Luckily I know I can handle it. I've already dealt with the worse thing in my life so withdraws in comparison will be nothing. I stayed under the stream of the warmth until the hot water ran out.
"Ok Nicole you got this! You are strong!" I say to myself in the mirror before grabbing the towel to wrap around my body. I didn't notice before now how much weight I've lost. I knew my clothes weren't fitting properly anymore, but I didn't notice my collarbone were sticking out more or that you could see my hipbones. How has no one said anything? How the fuck didn't I notice? I guess I was in more of a haze then I realized.
"Gross! I need to eat a fucking cheese burger or something!" I mutter as I look at myself closer dropping the towel down to get a better look at the damage I caused myself. My hand went over my stomach and I rested it where my womb is. "I'm sorry baby. I will miss you every second of every day. I wish I could have done better by you. I wish I could have been smarter with my actions. I am so sorry you had to suffer for me being so stupid. I love you more then you'll ever know. I will always remember you. Please forgive me." I say with tears coming down finally allowing myself to feel all the pain.
I gather my thoughts and pick the towel up, wiping the tears off my face, before wrapping the towel around my skinny body that I have been starving. I may not be hungry now but you best believe before the withdrawals hit me tomorrow after work, I'll be eating something not even remotely healthy for me. I know it will probably be the last time I eat for a couple days.
I walked into my room and got dressed before walking to my moms door.
"Mom, can I come in?" I say softly knocking.
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YOU ARE READING
First Shades of Love {WATTYS 2018}
RomanceBefore there was a Cadence there was her mom Nicole and she was a wild one! Follow Nicole while she tries to navigate her 20's. Life isn't as easy as she thought. With love, one night stands, lust, lies, cheating, drugs, drinking, clubs, house parti...