First Shades of Love {WATTYS 2018}

Shake It Out

I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer know who I am. This girl looking back at me is someone I don't know. When did I get so lost? When did these sleepless night from being so high on coke become my life? How the fuck did I let it get so bad?

Looking down at the bag of white powder in front of me I see that I may not live much longer if I continue down this path. I don't want to give up anymore. I need to face all this pain I've been hiding. I need to feel everything again so I can move forward with my life.

I grab the baggie and open it. Instead of putting it up my nose, I dump it all into the toilet. Watching the white powder dissolve, I already start to feel free. I drop the baggy and straw into the toilet quickly flushing it away. I feel the tears streaming down my face. These tears were tears of strength. Tears that show I am stronger then this white powder that has been clouding my mind. It's time for me to mourn my loss. I can't do that if I keep putting shit up my nose.

I refuse to let my life end because I'm to scared to deal with my demons. I've made my choices and I will regret it forever but I need to live again. I have to start with leaving the people who enable me in the past. I know this road is going to suck but I know it will be worth it in the end!

"Niki are you ok?" I hear my mom say on the other side of the bathroom door.

"No I'm not mom. But I will be." I say while turning the shower on.

"You know you can tell me anything right babe?" Maybe someday I can but right now I need to do this my way.

"I know mom. I'll be ok. I love you. Oh I fed Barney already so don't let his fat ass try to fool you!" I say laughing knowing he was probably eating her cats food.

"Ok babe. I love you too."

I step into the shower and the hot water runs over my shoulders. I feel my muscles relaxing. They are less then happy about the involuntary shaking it was doing. Fuck these withdrawals are going to suck something fierce. Luckily I know I can handle it. I've already dealt with the worse thing in my life so withdraws in comparison will be nothing. I stayed under the stream of the warmth until the hot water ran out.

"Ok Nicole you got this! You are strong!" I say to myself in the mirror before grabbing the towel to wrap around my body. I didn't notice before now how much weight I've lost. I knew my clothes weren't fitting properly anymore, but I didn't notice my collarbone were sticking out more or that you could see my hipbones. How has no one said anything? How the fuck didn't I notice? I guess I was in more of a haze then I realized.

"Gross! I need to eat a fucking cheese burger or something!" I mutter as I look at myself closer dropping the towel down to get a better look at the damage I caused myself. My hand went over my stomach and I rested it where my womb is. "I'm sorry baby. I will miss you every second of every day. I wish I could have done better by you. I wish I could have been smarter with my actions. I am so sorry you had to suffer for me being so stupid. I love you more then you'll ever know. I will always remember you. Please forgive me." I say with tears coming down finally allowing myself to feel all the pain.

I gather my thoughts and pick the towel up, wiping the tears off my face, before wrapping the towel around my skinny body that I have been starving. I may not be hungry now but you best believe before the withdrawals hit me tomorrow after work, I'll be eating something not even remotely healthy for me. I know it will probably be the last time I eat for a couple days.

I walked into my room and got dressed before walking to my moms door.

"Mom, can I come in?" I say softly knocking.