First Shades of Love {WATTYS 2018}

Hear You Me

There are moments in your life when your heart is so broken you fear it's beyond repair. You feel like you are lost in the darkness of your mind. You feel like there is no escape from it all. Peoples smiles feel like pity. Their words of encouragement feel like they are doing it cause if they say one thing wrong you'll fall to pieces.
It takes more than you have to get out. How do you escape the darkness that is your mind when your heart feels like it's no longer beating and getting ripped out at the same time?

After I got discharged my mom took me home. As soon as I walked in I ran to the phone. I had to call his sister. I remembered Dodge once told me he wanted to be cremated like his dad. I had to make sure his wishes for his body were honored.

"Hello?" Kim said sounding drugged out of her mind.

"Hey Kim, I'm sorry to bug you right now." I said trying to sound stronger than I am at the moment.

"Then why are you calling? Dodge is gone and I have nothing more to do with you." Kim said with so much hate in her voice. It took all I had not to rip her apart.

"I have to make sure you knew what Dodge wanted do to his body." My voice was cracking and I was fighting back tears.

"Nicole do you really think I don't know my own brother? Do you actually think you are the only person who knew him?" She hissed at me.

"Kim you never wanted to talk about this stuff. You'd rather stay high and hide your head in the ground. So how the fuck was I supposed to know?" I said trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Fuck off Nicole!" She yells into the phone before hanging up on me.

I fight everything inside me not to call her back and go off on her. I know she's hurting and has more regrets then anyone else right now.

I start to make my way through the house towards my bedroom.. When I walk into my room I see my cat n my bed looking at me like he hasn't seen me in a year. I fall on my bed and grab him. I hold him so tight while crying until I pass out.

My dreams that are always so vivid were absent. There was nothing but darkness until the sun shines brightly through my windows. Waking up I almost forgot what today was. I forgot all the hell that has been tearing my heart apart. For that second I had peace. It was such a blissful second.

When the reality of it all hits me, I feel so suffocated. I try to calm myself and take deep breaths but it doesn't work. Everything reminds me of him. How do people handle loss? How can they continue on in the same place when everything around them has memories of their lost loved one?

"Hey babe, if you are going today you're going to want to start getting ready." My mom says in a soft loving voice on the other side of my door.

"Thanks mama." I say while wiping away tears that I didn't know were falling.

I take another deep breath, hug my cat tight, get out of my bed, and walk to my closet. Looking through my hanging clothes I realize I don't have black clothes anymore. My nervous breakdown really fucked me on being prepared for today. Just when I start to beat myself up for being so weak, out of the corner of my eye I see a flowing yellow sundress. Dodge had picked it out for me but I've never had a chance to wear it. It hits me that this is the perfect dress. I'll probably get looks for wearing something so bright and cheery but I don't fucking care.

People don't know Dodge like I do. He always kept everyone at arms length (including myself) so they really wouldn't understand that me wearing this would bring a smile to his face.  I start to chuckle knowing he's looking down at me saying "It's about fucking time you wore that. Only took me dying to get you into it." I can even see that cocky smirk that always make my heat beat ten times faster and rolling his eyes.