Heal // z.m

thirty | teasing & days out

Zayn

It had been a week since Nathan had passed away, and I would lie if I said it hadn't drained me- mentally and physically. I was awfully tired, had one person on my mind as I missed him, badly. The time was rough, I had never imagined grief to be this hard. I slept so much, to the point that Caroline forced me to have a conversation with her, asking if I was okay, if I needed someone to talk to. I figured I would get over it.

She took me away from my room to play games with me, scared that I'd become depressed from being so isolated in my room, about the fact that I was only sleeping. Honestly, I was just tired. I didn't mean to lock myself up, not anymore.

I just slept at daytime because I wouldn't sleep at night. Thoughts were the strongest around that time, something I had definitely noticed the past few days. I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler, Sarah and Nathan. But always when I was thinking about the friends I had lost, one specific person made her way into my mind. Like she was awake too and thinking of me, telling me that she was still here for me.

She really made me feel like that when she comforted me that day. She said she was here for me and I believed it. Her words were written on my heart now. I felt so much closer to her after that day, I just hoped she would feel the same too. I was so vulnerable in front of her. I had only cried in front of Caroline before, not even in front of my parents. I was ashamed at first, but Rose took the feeling away when she told me it was fine.

Only because I trusted her and because I could feel she was speaking the truth. I hadn't seen her ever since. Caroline gave her other things to do and she had university and weekend.

I could only think of her hug and imagine I was back up there, on the eighth floor and hugging her. But this time without crying- we would both be happy.

Thinking of her hug, it made me feel it again. I could feel her arms around me and her soft hands rubbing my back while she rested her beautiful face on my head. She felt so safe. She felt like I had known her for years and that was a feeling not anyone could give you. Especially not to me as I started shutting girls out after my break up.

Before I could think about my feelings for that specific girl, I got interrupted as Caroline walked into my room.

I opened my eyes and went to lie on my side, my hands under my cheek as I looked at her. "Morning." I spoke, coughing a little when my morning voice acted up.

"Hi, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?" She adjusted her blue medical gloves on her hands and grabbed my tube feeding breakfast, if I could call it breakfast, even.

"Yeah." I shrugged slowly and went to lie down on my back as she moved the upper part of the bed up so I was slightly in the sitting position. I rubbed my eyes slowly and watched how she was warming up the package of puréed food with her hands.

"Great, love." She grabbed the loose tube that was attached to my sleep shirt attached it to the infusion.

I looked at her, confused. "Why are you giving me my food so early?" She set up the infusion and not long later, I saw the food going through the tube into my nose, all the way down to right into my stomach.

"Well.. as you know every week we choose a patient who can go out for the day with one of the nurses just to bring you guys some fun in this boring hospital, and because you've been through.. a lot these days, we decided that you're going out today." She smiled brightly.

I scratched my bald head, "Oh.. thanks but I don't really feel like it, if I may be honest."

"You don't? Oh okay. I had asked Rose to be your company but I'll tell her you canceled the plans. Too bad, she was looking forward to it." Caroline said nonchalantly.