Heal // z.m

55.

Zayn

I hated the fact that I could stay more positive about a deadly sickness than a girl. I tried it so hard, but I failed. I think I forgot what it felt like if you liked someone, but that person didn't like you back.

I somehow wished that she'd still have come to my room and make me feel a bit warmer, but what could I expect? I told her I didn't need her help. I felt like I was acting like a jerk towards her just because I couldn't get over my feelings. It wasn't fair, but I was still hurt, even though she explained why she did it. I felt rejected and I was almost a hundred percent sure that she didn't like me back.

I was currently in bed, I had just woken up and Caroline tried to drag me out of it but it didn't work. I wanted to be alone and sleep. "Come on, Zayn. You told us you wanted to join the joint breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled, closing my eyes and pulling duvets over my face.

Caroline sighed softly and pulled them down again. "Do you want your tube feeding again? They told me that I could remove it because they trusted you were going to eat on your own. Better not break it, because I know you hate it sweetheart."

I furrowed my eyebrows at her and turned on my other side, closing my eyes.

"Fine. It's your choice. Breakfast here?" She asked. I didn't reply. I didn't feel like it. I wished Rose was here but at the same time I didn't. It hurt seeing her because I liked her a lot and I didn't think she liked me back.

Caroline left me alone but came back moments later with a glass of water and plate with two sandwiches on it. She placed it on my nightstand and crouched down in front of me so she was facing me very closely.

"What's up? And don't say nothing, because I know you too well, Zayn." She said.

I stared into her dark eyes and they reminded me of Rose's ones, which were even more beautiful.

I sighed deeply and lied down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. "How could I be so stupid, Caroline? How could I be so blind?"

Caroline sat down on my bed and stared at me. "What do you mean?"

"Why would I ever think that someone was going to like me? I'm so naive. Of course they weren't going to like me." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I had barely closed one eye the past few nights.

She didn't reply, so I decided to continue to talk. "I thought she liked me back, but it was all proved wrong. She literally rejected me. I forgot how much that hurt."

I bit my bottom lip as I felt hurt and sad, but I wasn't going to express it into crying. "It's obvious. Why would you take the risk if you know the guy will most likely die? Why would somebody hurt herself like that?"

"I'm so stupid. It's so obvious. I should've never attached myself to her, because now I'm only hurting myself." I turned my back to Caroline and stared at my duvets.

"But it's my own fault because I still had hope and I thought maybe she did like me and she could make everything so much better, even if she already did that for me." I kept rambling on and Caroline was listening to me.

"Zayn.. what's wrong?" Caroline asked as she placed her hand on my -still covered by the duvets- shoulder.

I threw my hands in the air and kicked the duvets off me, "She doesn't like me! Of course she doesn't. I could've known, but no, Caroline, I'm so stubborn I kept believing I had a chance but of course I didn't have one. Nobody wants a half dead guy."

Tears started to fill my eyes and they made me even more frustrated as I didn't want to be the emotional guy right now. I just wanted to cope with it in a more mature way, but I knew I was already failing. More frustration grew into me.