Midnight Ramblings

I don't want my heart

"What would you do if she said she wanted to be with you too?"

"In real life, or in my dreams?"

"In real life."

"On the very unlikely chance that scenario would occur, odds are i'll still be with you, to which she would say I'm in a relationship, which would end the conversation at that, despite how I feel towards her."

Do you know how scared that sentence makes me? Do you know how much it hurts that SHE would be the one to point out the fact that you're the one in a relationship? How long would we last then? Just long enough for her to think you're not breaking up with me for her? And even if you didn't break up with me, how much would you resent me? I'm the reason you aren't with someone you love. And why must you talk about her to me? Do you know that is hurts whenever you mention the fact that you are in love with her? God, it feels like all the knives in the world and more are stabbing into my heart over and over again. I hate you, but I can't help but love you. I hope you will fall in love with me. I wanted to give myself to you, all of me, but how can I do that knowing you could leave me? When I said that I wouldn't give myself until you were over her, you try to backtrack. I'm not changing my mind. I don't care how many birthdays pass, how many anniversaries. I want YOU to want to be with ME. And call me selfish, but I want all of you. Not some of you. I want everything. And I know that I'm not perfect, but at least when I got into this relationship, I was all in. And everyone is telling me "Leave. He is causing you so much of this pain, just leave." But i don't think they understand how much MORE it would hurt to lose everyone. Not just you. I met some amazing people through you. How am I supposed to make it awkward for them? I know that they would choose you, and I understand. You had them first. But why can't I just leave? I've been alone before, with nothing to hold me but the cold, harsh dark. Why can't I just go back to that

I think I know. Because I've felt the warmth, and love of arms. I've felt what it's like to be loved, even a little. How the hell am I supposed to go back to the cold now? How am I supposed to go back to the cold of an empty heart, and the cold of empty arms?

I don't want to, and that, in the end, is what is going to hurt the most.