Midnight Ramblings

Stupid

You know, hating yourself isn't something that happens all the time. You might have days, weeks, MONTHS, where you're ok. Where you actually love yourself. You feel beautiful, smart, confident. You can do ANYTHING in these times. But God, the moment someone says something, or you do something, and focus on it? God, that brings you crashing right down to earth doesn't it? Leaves you in the dirt, crying and screaming. I claw at my throat, my nails becoming bloody with the skin I've ripped in an effort to just end it. I scratch and claw at myself, hating everything about me. I'm to fat, I'm stupid, I'm boring, I'm rude. I'm anxious ALL THE TIME. Like, it's crippling sometimes. I can't even walk into a room because I just fucking brake if I'm late to anything, and I have to walk into a room. I can't even look at someone in the eye anymore. I just sit there and let them talk to me like I'm nothing, and I just take it.
My whole family has put me down all my life, and now? Now I'm the butt of every joke in my family. I am actually happy, I finally have someone in my life who builds me up. But for every five steps I take forward, they always drag me back three steps. I hate it. I just want to move forward with my life, but they have to remind me of how stupid I am. How much I have already failed in my life. How, so far I have accomplished nothing. My brother and sister were already out of the house by now, my brother was married, my sister had a child by now. They both have good jobs, and are starting there lives. I'm not them, God damnit! I never will be, and I don't care what you say!

But I'll never say that to you. For some God awful reason, I love you. And I care about you. And I care what you think about me. And I care. I care. I care. I care so damn much that it brakes me every time I am disappointing you in some way.

But I'll never be good enough for you, will I?