When lies and truth become blurred

Wounds.

I feel faded, thin, stretched and laid out to dry. someone forgot to smooth out the wrinkles. I wish they'd have set me out in a nice, warm, sunny place.  They set me down in the shadows. It's rather cold over here. Could you move me just a little? I don't feel to good. I feel a little forgotten. A little unloved. Perhaps used and convenient. Pretty confused. Lost. Very lost. But maybe the confusion was forced. Perhaps I got lost deliberately. Because I didn't want to face the truth. Whatever that may be. Good or bad I ran from it. Now I'm not sure of my way back. I didn't want to face my faults. My short comings, Or that any of my unhappiness was actually my fault. It's all my fault at the end of the day. In one way or another. I don't know how to fix everything on my own. I need help.  at least support but I fear I've pushed everyone away. I've let them slide though my fingers like sand. They're angry and hurt and they have a right to be. I've done as much damage as I've received. I'm sure I deserved it too.  I don't know how to repair. Maybe it's to late. Should I let them go? Are they better off without me? I've wanted to let myself go countless times but it would just be more struggle and heartbreak for them, so I'll endure. I'm trying to take responsibility. I'm trying to not let my anger seep. I just feel so.... convenient , used , taken for granted. As soon as something/someone better comes along you'll throw me away. Or maybe just keep casual contact. I can already see your withdrawal. It hurts, I won't lie. I thought we where close. That maybe I had one or two that genuinely loved me. But our relationship started and, or strengthened because I was there in a difficult time in your life and stayed when everyone els left. I was your only option so you had to accept me. It would have been a very different story otherwise wouldn't it? I know this and try not to feel sad about it. I try to think that maybe it was how you saw my worth. But as soon as you where granted freedom you wanted me less. I was convenient at the time. You've found someone better now. That's fine. You where kind enough to still keep me around. I'll try to be gracious about it. Just give me time. I still have whiplash. I'd tricked myself into a dream. Now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'll get my head out of the clouds one day. I fear trying to be realistic is turning me sour though. It makes everyone want to be around me less. Is there no middle ground? I feel like no matter what I do I let some one down. I've caused hurt somewhere. Disappointment , frustration, anger even. I'm sorry I tried so hard to be what you needed, what you wanted. I tried to treat you the way I wanted treated but it wasn't enough. I'm still trash. I'm still not enough. I should stop trying yet this frustrates you as well. Can you please just tell me what to do? I don't want to be alone. Perhaps it's best though. Then I'm the only one left hurting. I just want to keep you happy and safe. Forgive me for failing.