Stupid. Failure. Horrible. Worthless. Can't do anything right. Yeah nice try. You should give up. Weak. Pathetic. Your over reacting. Not important. Unloved.
These thoughts run through my head all the time. Daily even. I constantly hear the endless chatter of self hate. It always runs quietly in the back of my mind. Other times it is loud, screaming curses at me.
It will never happen. Stop expecting so much. Nobody cares. Shut up! You worthless shit. What you go through isn't so bad so stop crying.
When someone confirms one of these missiles of self destruction I can't help but break down. Falling apart completely.
Just pull it together. Come on we have to. Stop crying in public! This is not the place. Or the time. Why can't you get over it and move on?
I will. I promise. I'll get over it. I'll move on. Maybe I'll even be a little stronger. A little more wise or ready to the next attack. But right now I'm tired. I am weak. I've fought to long. Carried to much. Slept to little. Gave up to much. I think I deserve to break a little. To throw it all down. To give it up for a little while. To pass it on to someone els. I'm sorry. I really truly am. To put this burden on you. I know it's heavy. The fact alone that I put you in pain rips my heart. I'm sorry for the break down. The blow up. The tears. The anger. The inability to communicate. I'm sorry. I promise to pick up the pieces in just a minute. I'll put myself back together. I'll clean up the mess and take back the wight on your shoulders. Don't worry to much about me. I know how to make it ok again. I'll just drink coffee and chocolate. Or maybe good food in general. I'll listen to music and snuggle in blankets. I'll try and get a bit of rest. I'll try and talk to people that make me smile. But sometimes they're busy, or I don't know what to say. Other times I don't know if I'm considered a friend. I don't want to bother anyone. Please tell me I'm not a burden instead of laughing it off. I'm serious when I apologize to you saying I'm a bother. So maybe I won't text. And maybe the relationship if there was one will slip away because of it.
Small. weak. pathetic baby. Adult? That laughable. Come on sweetie give up. Your only gonna strain yourself. Let's go home and try another time. No it's just you that's so incapable. So stupid. So ridiculous.
I feel like such a child. So small. So pathetic.
I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of trying and it never being enough. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be what you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed. I'm sorry for trying. For thinking I could.
You'll never be able to. No matter how hard you try you'll still be where you are now. Stuck.
I'm sorry for giving up.
Your not enough. Good, glad you finally realized it was pointless. Let someone els do it. Stay down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to whoever reads this. I know it hurts. Maybe pricks. Or triggers. I'm sorry. Maybe if I say it enough I'll stop feeling like a kicked puppy in the corner. Please forgive me. For whatever I did. I don't know how to make it right. Please maybe just let me sleep. I promise I'll be better in the morning. Please? I'll be good. I'll be alright. Just maybe hand me the duct tape? Just let me sleep.
YOU ARE READING
When lies and truth become blurred
Kısa Hikaye"You do not know pain until your staring at yourself in the mirror with tears running down your face and begging yourself to just hold on and be strong. THAT is pain." TRIGGER WARNINGS! For depression Anxiety Anger And pretty much any n...
