secrets ; gawsten

49. fast

you think everyone lives forever when you're young and naive. the reality doesn't set in until you're much older; unless in my case, still growing.

i was 14 when my grandpa died. he wasn't supposed to go. i didn't realize what was going on. but it forced me to grow up fast. i had to be there for my mom, when my father wasn't.

i held it all in, all the emotions i felt. until i created a hole in my wall. until i lit my first cigarette and tarred my lungs. i cracked open a bottle of liquor and held the cancer stick in my hand, i took a swig then took a drag. i repeated that till the bottle was empty or the cigarette was gone.

i cried; my vision blurry and my head turning. the cigarette and liquor caused my head to spin and relaxed me. but then it got to the point to where that was the only time i was relaxed.

i'll never forget that, because that's when i met you.

~awsten