deathly love

ch. 15 My Great Escape

Soon after my date with Mitch, I found myself staying up until very unreasonable hours texting him. He always knew what to say to cheer me up or make me feel special about myself. It was like he was the confidence part in my mind that had somehow escaped when I was born. He was cocky, confident, and didn't let anyone or anything stand in his way.

I texted him until I fell asleep, and then, when I woke back up and realized that I hadn't texted him back, I would. Then it would turn out that he was asleep, and text back when I was asleep. It was kind of funny, really.

This night, I wanted to text him so badly that I couldn't stand it. My mom had come in, drunk and with a new man. All I wanted was to be conforted by him. But I had school the next day, and I needed to rest. Besides, there were only forty two days of school left before summer break. Then, I could text him all I wanted.

I fell asleep thinking of an entire summer talking to Mitch. The next day was Friday, thank God, and I had the rest of the weekend to look forward to texting Mitchel.

Happily, I got ready and went to school. Strangely, I didn't find Roar on my doorstep as she normally was in the morning. Oh, well, I thought. I guess she is just skipping today.

Instead of waiting a little while longer to see if she would show up, I went on ahead to school.

When I got to my locker in the morning, there was no Damien to surprise me. I waited half of the day, and I still didn't see him. By fifth period, I eventually gave up. I hadn't seen Kristian that day, either. I wondered where everyone was.

Finally, the last bell rang, and I practically ran out to my car. I drove home and ran up to my room as fast as I could. I punched in Roar's number first. It rang a few times, then I heard Roar's voice on the other end. "Hey..." "Hey, Roar, why weren't you..." "...I can't answer the phone right now, but if you were important I would have, so don't leave a message." My face instantly dropped. I had gotten voicemail. She hadn't picked up. And that meant that there was definately something wrong. But what if I was just psyching myself out? What if everything was fine, she was just sick today or something? Yeah, she's just sick, I told myself. But I didn't believe my lie.

Next, I called Damien's phone. It rang five times, and right when I was about to hang up, I heard a voice. "Hello?" asked the voice. "Hello? Who is this?" I responded. There was a light snicker. "Vex," was all he said. His voice was raspy, and it sounded like he needed to clear his throat. "Well, Vex, may I speak to Damien?" I was surprised at the hostility in my voice. Vex laughed again. "I'll ask," he said. "What's your name again?" "Asher," I said. "Asher," he repeated. "I'll ask, Asher."

He must have pulled the phone away from his face, because his voice was quieter now. "Hey, Dame, there is someone named Asher on the phone. You want to talk to him?" A few seconds later, Vex had put the phone back to his face. "He said he doesn't ever want to talk to you again. Get out of his life, and never talk to him again."

My heart felt like it was going to burst. It was like there were a million tiny needles poking it, inserting things into it, making it bigger until would burst. But it didn't. There was another voice on the phone. "Asher?" I froze. "Damien?" I asked. "Yeah, sorry about Vex. He can get a little, what's the word, annoying?" I heard a huff in the background, so I guessed that Damien probably said it so Vex would hear.

"Well, who the hell is he?" I asked. "Like, how do you know him?" Damien sighed. "We used to know each other a long time ago," he simply said. It was killing me that Damien wouldn't surrender any more information than that. I suspected that this was the "old friend" that he had been going out to meet, and I suspected that there was more going on than I knew about. "Where are you at?" I asked Damien. I could feel my face getting more red by the second. Damien laughed. "Asher, why are you getting so hostile?" I shook my head. "You think this is hostile?" I asked. "You haven't even seen the half of it." "Asher," he said," I think you need to calm down." "Don't tell me to calm down, Damien Hartford!" I yelled at the phone.

He went silent. I had never, ever, used his last name before. Even now that I had said it, it didn't seem to fit that Damien even had a last name.

Several minutes had passed, and still neither one of us had spoken. I was beginning to think that he had hung up when he finally spoke again. He was calm, despite the pissed tone in my voice. "Asher, there really is nothing to be worried about. I promise. I love you. You are the only one that I see." I huffed. "Asher, please believe me," he pleaded. "How can I?" I exclaimed. Damien sighed. "That's what you do in a relationship. You trust one another."

I laughed in a sarcastic way. "Then tell me what you're doing there with Vex!" I screamed. I heard a crash, like something breaking. "Damn you, Asher Gracen! It's none of your God damn concern!"

It got quiet again. This was the second time that Damien had blown up on me. The same feeling that I had had at the hospital was back. There seemed to be more to Damien than I actually knew, or thought I knew.

My chest felt very hot. I fanned myself with a magazine, but it didn't help. I removed my shirt and flung it aside. I was still burning up. My throat became very dry, and I started breathing heavily.

I lied the phone down on the bed and gasped for air. "Asher?" I heard from the phone. "What's going on?"

Obviously, Damien could hear me having a panic attack. But no one was here to save me this time. I fell back on my pillows, clawing at my throat, trying desperately to get some air into my lungs. I didn't know why this was happening to me. Everything spun. My walls looked like portals, swirling and swaying. My floor looked like a big hole. My ceiling looked far up into the sky. My heart beat at twice its normal speed, and I could feel my eyes trying to close again. They were weighing down fast, and I couldn't stop it.

No, I told myself. I won't let this happen again. I will fight, and I will win. I grabbed the sheets on my bed and wrapped my fingers into tight balls, weaving the sheet in between my fingers. I closed my eyes and repeated over and over in my head, breathe, breathe, breathe. Instead of trying desperately to get air like before, I tried taking in slow, deep breaths. I had once heard that this would help you calm down.

Over and over again, I took slow, deep, painful breaths, but they were coming, and I could deal with the pain. I felt my heartbeat slow until it was almost at its normal rate again. I made a noise that sounded halfway between a laugh and a moan, which, at the sound, only made me laugh-moan more. I had done it. I could breathe again. I had overcome it, and I couldn't have been more proud of myself.

Damien's voice was still coming from the phone. "Asher? Asher, are you there?" A few minutes passed. "I'm on my way to your house. Right now." I grabbed the phone and put it to my ear. "I'm fine," I told him. "What happened?" he asked. Instead of angry, he now sounded concerned. But I guessed it was just a front. "I was having another panic attack," I said. "But it's over now. I calmed myself down," I quickly added. Damien made a sigh of relief (or what was supposed to sound like relief). "I'm still coming over," he said. "No!" I yelled. "I mean, no, you can't tonight. Tonight's not good. How about Sunday?" I said. "Sunday?" Damien repeated. "Why Sund..." "Bye, Damien," I said, and hung up before he could utter another syllable.

I didn't want to see him right now. I mean, I did, but I didn't. I lied back down on my bed and stared up at the now back to normal ceiling. One word kept passing through my mind. Mitch. So, I called him. It rang a few times, then he answered.

"Asher?" I could practically hear the smile cross his face.

"Hey," I responded.

"What are you calling me for?" he asked. I thought for a minute. I didn't really know why I was calling him. "I-I just wanted to talk. Is-is now a bad time?"

Mitch made an "uhhh" noise. "Yeah, actually, it is a bad time. But I get off work in twenty minutes. How about I call you then?" I pursed my lips together. "Hey, Mitch?" "Yeah," he said. "Have you ever been to Sherinsville?" "Uh, I think once. Why?"

The thought of Damien and Vex and what I had thought was going on between them flashed through my mind.

"Do you remember what my car looks like?" I asked him. "Yeah, but I don't see why..." "I've got an idea," I said. I could picture the way Mitch perked his ears up. "And what idea is that?" he said. I smiled largely, though I knew he couldn't see it. I thought of Damien once more, and I almost couldn't believe what I was about to do. "Drive to 212 Kings Street. You're kiss will be waiting."