deathly love

Ch. 16 Pain of Love

A tear escaped my eye as I bit my lip and gripped the side of the bathtub tighter. The pain was almost unbearable, but I kept going. I kept cutting. I kept bleeding. Why was I such an awful person? Why had I kissed Mitch? Why had I cheated on Damien? But Mitch and I did more than kiss when he came over yesterday night; we did much more. I didn't know why I had gone through with it. Maybe to hurt Damien? Maybe it was because I needed to feel loved.

They say that if things happen to you, you are more likely to do them. Well, that doesn't make sense to me. If you are hurt by someone, why do you want others to feel that same pain? I didn't know, but I did know that it was completely true.

I dug the razor blade deeper into my wrists, putting them into the warm, flowing bathwater each time that I did so that the blood would flow out faster. The sooner I was out of everyone's misery, the better.

My stereo sat on the edge of my bathroom counter playing my favorite song, Lithium, by Evanescence. I thought that it would be the perfect last song.

Tonight would be my last. And to tell the truth, I wasn't scared. If I was scared, I wouldn't have tried to commit suicide that first time in fifth grade. Can you imagine? An eleven year old boy being so depressed he cuts his wrists? No, not many can, either. But I did.

I did it because I was lying in my room crying one night after one of my mom's boyfriends had hit me and left large purple bruises all over my tiny framed body. I ran up to my room and locked my door. I flung myself onto my bed and began to sob into my pillow. With my entire heart, I hoped that my mom would come upstairs to see if I was alright.

I waited and waited. I waited until it turned night, but still, she didn't come upstairs. I thought about where my dad might be and if he still thought about me. I wondered if he regretted his decision to abandon me and my mom.

After realizing that my mom wasn't coming upstairs, I walked over to my window. Through the teary film over my eyes, I looked down at our driveway. My mom's car was gone, and so was her boyfriend's. That's when I realized for the first time that my mom didn't care about me. She didn't care what happened to me, didn't care if I was abused or hurt. All she cared about was herself.

That's when I ran into this very bathroom and did the exact same thing that I'm doing right now. Except then, I didn't have the guts to go through with what I was doing right now.

Right now, I was sitting naked in red, churning water, and I couldn't help but make my weak face smile. I was extremely sad, sad that I could do this to Damien, sad that I coud use Mitch, sweet Mitch, like that, sad that I couldn't have stopped Kristian from killing Greg, and sad that I han't done this to myself earlier, but I was happy that it was finally over.

Before I made the first slice in my wrist, I had written everyone notes. I wrote Roar, Damien, Mitch, and Kristian one. I looked over towards the door and thought about them pinned to my closed bedroom door where I had left them. I hoped that whoever found me and their note first would give the others their notes.

In my mind, I read the notes over, just as I had when I had first written them.

Dear Kristian,

Don't think that I don't know. I know that you killed Greg. What I don't know is why you killed him. Was it because of that day at that park? Because of him trying to seduce me in his car and not you? If that's the reason, you should have killed me, not Gregory. When I found out that Greg had cheated on me with you, I hated you, even though it wasn't your fault. I blamed you for taking my boyfriend away from me, but you didn't do it. It was Gregory's decision. Not yours. And I want you to know that I don't hate you. I followed you one night and heard you talking to some people in an alley. That's how I know that you killed him, and those people were in on it also. But even knowing what you did to Greg, I can't find it in me to hate you. Just promise me that you won't get caught. I know that murder is a crime, but in many ways, I think you did Gregory a favor. Thank you for showing me that I can overcome anything, Kristian. Maybe I'll ask Greg what really happened when I meet him again, wherever I am going. Until we meet again, Kristian Camp.