In The Eyes Of a Saint

O N E

I already had the spot picked out. The outfit was done a week ago. I scouted the building many times to make sure I could get to the roof.

It was a nice building. But bad things had happened there. Not murders or any death. Just bad plumbing or heating and a lot of people were kicked out or left because they said the building was cursed.

It's placed near that invisible line between the good and bad parts of town. It's further into the good part of town. Not a lot of people live in it, though. I can't see why because it's actually a nice place. Better than mine. But I don't plan on staying in mine anymore and so I signed off my lease, packed my stuff, and put it all in storage. I'm staying my last night in a really nice hotel.

I don't have family. I mean, I do but I haven't talked to them in years. Not since I left for an amazing college and they didn't like my choice. And because they didn't like my choice, they disowned me. I talk to my brother and sister every few weeks but only over e-mail or text. They're twins and only fifteen and calling is too risky since they live with our parents. Sometimes when they're alone they call me but that's not very often.

My parents. They probably won't care about what I plan on doing. I could march right up to their doorstep and tell them everything but they won't care.

There's a lot of things that have led to this very minute in my life. That led to me sitting in the small café across the street from the building I picked. The hotel I'm staying in is a few buildings to the right of the building across from the café. I checked out early this morning and went for a walk in the park.

The park was deserted save for the occasional dog walker or jogger. I stopped at the pile of giant rocks the kids climb on and watched the sun rise. It's the beginning of July so there was a light breeze. My dress moved when the breeze hit me.

I decided to wear a white dress. A white lace dress that some may call a wedding dress but isn't. I chose white because of what it symbolizes. It means purity, cleanliness, safety, light, and all things good. The opposite of what I am. I'm not pure or clean or safe or light or anything good. In fact, my dress color would be black.

But white is what I chose because that's what I want people to see. Although it really doesn't matter because it's going to be stained with red within the hour.

That thought brings me back to the present.

My cup of coffee is steaming on top of the newspaper I bought at the park. I've been staring at the rain for a while now, tracing its path down the café windows with my eyes. It's the beginning of true summer yet it's raining. I like it.

I sigh lightly and turn to my coffee. I quickly finish it off and then turn to my notebook. It's an old leather one with a braided strap that wraps around it. I wrote everything in it. My note is going to be written on the last page.

It takes me twenty minutes to finish, making sure every word is right and how I want it to be. Then, I fold the newspaper and tuck it into the book on the last page before leaving the café and walking into the rain.