The bed and pillows are soft and warm against my cheek. The moonlight that flows through the slats of the shade bathes half the room in its warm glow. There are a few small noises from the street below that flow in the open window with the breeze.
Everything is right for sleeping.
But I can't. No matter what I try, sleep won't come. And I know it's because I didn't die today. Because I didn't finish what my mind and body were prepared to do. Thinking about it makes tears flow from my eyes. Why couldn't I have died?
I start sobbing into the pillow. I hate myself more than ever right now. I'm stupid, like they all said I was. I can't even manage to kill mused the right way! I don't fit in anywhere, not even with fuck-ups like me.
I don't fit in. That's why I say my soul is white. Not because I'm pure or innocent or fragile, but because I reflect everything. I am able to observe people and notice things they probably didn't notice themselves. I can watch and see things others don't see. That's why it's white. Depressed people say they have a black soul because of how said or "fucked up" they are. I say the opposite. I have a white soul because I am constantly reflecting everything. Nothing gets to me which means I can't fit in. Sometimes I wish I had a black soul. That way I'd absorb stuff and be able to fit in. That way something could get to me. That way I'd finally belong somewhere.
Erik said this was his sister's room when she came to visit him. Everything smells like vanilla or lavender. The closet is full of expensive looking clothes, model type clothes. He gave me a really soft light purple shirt and a pair of soft white shorts. The shirt says Sleepwalking in gold letters.
I turn over and look at the blinking red numbers on the nightstand. 2:33 a.m. I still can't sleep.
I get out of bed and wrap the blanket around my shoulders before making my way to the living room. The remote is right where Erik and I left it last night and I grab it, flicking on the TV before sitting down. The TV is quiet and I flick through the channels until I find a good movie to watch. It's a new, real-life version of Beauty and the Beast.
The longer I watch, the heavier my eyelids get. Eventually, a blissful, dreamless sleep greets me.
***
"Hey, Noa, wake up." Someone pokes my arms and my eyes open slowly. I've always been a light sleeper.
I sit up and rub my eyes, looking around. I'm disoriented for a moment before I realize I had fallen asleep on the couch. Erik is crouched down in front of me and he's showered and dressed.
"What time is it?" I ask then clear my throat. My morning voice isn't that attractive. Erik checks his watch the stands up.
"It's almost ten. I have to get to work. Will..." He looks around and I feel like something's different but everything's the same. "Will you be okay here?" he finally finishes and I nod.
"Um, yeah. I have to go to my storage locker to grab some clothes and money and I'll find a hotel to stay at until I cna find a new place to live." I look down, scratching the back of my neck. Erik crouches down again and looks me in the eyes.
"You don't have to leave. I'm actually enjoying the company. It's been forever since my sister visited and I haven't seen my family in forever. You can still find a place but don't stay in a hotel. I don't think my sister would mind you staying here, either. She, uh, she has been trying to set me up with a bunch of different women from her work and having you here will keep them away. It's gotten really annoying and the women at her work are...well, they're a little too comfortable with themselves. If you know what I mean." I smile and laugh a little to myself.
"Sounds like fun. Do you think I could borrow some of your sister's clothes for today?" He nods and I keep the blanket around me as I walk past him to his sister's room. I look in the closet for a shirt and I find a thin, long gray shirt and then I go to the drawers to find some shorts. Unlike yesterday, it's bright and sunny out and so I chose a pair of maroon shorts with frayed edges and a few tears under the pockets. I tuck the front of the shirt into the shorts so it looks like I'm actually wearing some.
"Hey, you decent?" Erik knocks on the door and I open it. "Here's your dress and shoes." He hands me my shoes and a bag with my dress in it. He turns around and walks out of the room with me following him.
"Will I need a key or something to get in when I get back or will you be home?" We walk towards the front door and Erik grabs his jacket.
"How long do you think you'll be?" I shrug.
"I dunno. Maybe like two or three hours. I kinda promised my brother and sister I'd..." I take a deep breath, holding back a tear. "I promised them I'd meet them for lunch at this place so I'll meet them after I get my stuff. I'll just leave my stuff in my car while we eat." He nods and I see something flash in his eyes before he looks away and opens the door.
"I'll lock the door but I'm gonna leave my spare key behind the number plate on the wall. If you forget, just tell her," he points to the door across from his, "that you're an old high school friend visiting for a class reunion or something. She'll let you in." I nod and grip the bag with my dress in it tighter. We walk down the stairs and he follows me to my car. I parked it about a block away but I don't know why.
"I'll see you later?" I ask as I climb into the driver's side and he nods.
"See you later." He gives me a small smile and waves as he walks away. I take a deep breath then start the car. Driving away, I think about how me not dying could lead to something amazing.
YOU ARE READING
In The Eyes Of a Saint
Teen FictionI stare at the cars. I stare at the people. I look up and I stare at the sky. I stare at the clouds. A few birds fly by. I stare at those, too. Then, I look at the buildings. Some are completely lit up. Others are only partially. I stare at the cars...
