I sit across from Jack and Danny at our favorite restaurant in this part of town. They both are talking to me but I don't hear them. I need to tell them what I tried yesterday or I will die of guilt.
"Jack, Danny, I have something to tell you." Both of their eyes widened a little and they gave each other a look.
"You're pregnant?" Jack asks and Danny punches her arm lightly.
"That would imply she had some human male contact in her life." He gasps. "Did you talk to a guy?" I roll my eyes.
"This is serious." Both of their smiles fall and they share another look. Their twin mind reading crap is creepy.
"You didn't..." Jack trails off and looks at Danny.
"Oh my God, she did..." Danny adds and I'm confused.
"You tried killing yourself, didn't you?" My eyes widen in shock as I stare at them.
"Well, um, yeah bu-but how–"
"We're not blind, Noa. We've been able to tell you're depressed but we never thought you were suicidal. Why didn't you get help or tell someone?" Her face is getting red and she's getting angry. "You could've at least told one of us. I know we haven't been super close lately but you can still talk to us." She's silent for a minute, we all are, the only sounds being the clanking of utensils on the plates. "C-can I ask you something?" I nod. "Um, how..." She take a deep breath. "How did you try?" I take a deep breath and push my food around on my plate.
"I...Well, I was going to jump off the shitty apartment building a couple blocks away from my old apartment." I shrug and take a sip of my pineapple juice.
"Old apartment?" Danny asks and I nod.
"I didn't plan on...ya know...s-surviving. So, I didn't pay this or last month's or the month before so I was evicted and I kinda planned it that way." A tear slips down Jack's face and she wipes it away quickly.
"You've been planning this for three months?" I nod, looking down and feeling guilty.
"Why didn't you jump?" I look at Danny, wondering if I should tell them about Erik.
"That's a more complicated thing. So I did everything like I wanted but I didn't count on anyone coming up to the roof. I had watched it for a few days and literally no one went up there. But when I went up there, someone must've seen me or followed me or something. I was ready to take the last step but then someone pulled me back. When he pulled me, I got a cut on my leg but he helped bandage it." Jack smiles and Danny raises an eyebrow.
"So, a guy saved you?" Jack asks, wiggling her eyebrows. I roll my eyes, my neck and cheeks heating up a little. The mood is getting lighter, thank God.
"Yes. His name is Erik and he's going to be a doctor. I stayed at his place last night and I'm going to be staying there until I can find an apartment. He's really nice. We talked a lot last night and I got to know him. He comes from a family of doctors and in a few months he'll be a pediatrician or something like that. His dad is dead and his sister is some type of model or she works with models, I'm not exactly sure. He works at that little café across the street from his building and he is so hot." I blush and look down at my lap. I didn't mean for that last part to slip out.
"How hot?" Jack asks as Danny asks, "You're staying with a guy?" Both of their faces are the same but completely different. Both are very interested but Jack looks excited while Danny looks ready to kill.
"Super hot. His hair is sorta long and a little wavy and it falls over his forehead a lot." I'm smiling and Jack squeals a little.
"Okay, no. No, no, no, no, no. You're not staying with him. You've had one boyfriend your whole life and he was some shy kid who had a crush on you and you dated for like six months. You didn't even cry about it. So, you're not staying with some random guy." I roll my eyes.
"Yeah, okay, my little eighteen-year-old brother is gonna tell me who I can and can't stay with. And if I'm staying with anyone, it's gonna be the guy who pulled me off the ledge. Literally. If I were you, I'd be happy my sibling would stay with the person that saved them." He opens his mouth to argue but I think he sees my point. "Besides, he's a nice guy. He isn't going to do anything. Although I'm like ninety percent sure the dude has OCD or something. Not that it's a bad thing. It actually makes it easier to find stuff and walk around." Jack gives me a small smile and Danny shrugs.
"I guess you're right. But I wanna meet this guy." I shake my head.
"There's no need. I'm just staying with him for a few more days until I can get a job and apartment." The waitress comes back and flirts a little with Danny but he pays no attention to her as he asks for the bill.
"So, how's it going with Sara?" Danny blushes and the waitress shoots me a glare as she walks away. Yeah, sure, that's why he won't use the number you're gonna slip behind the bill.
"Pussy over here still hasn't even talked to her." Danny slaps her shoulder and I laugh.
"Dude, ask her the hell out." I sigh and touch my pocket lightly. "I'm gonna tell you something and please don't freak out. I... I wrote a note. Hoping someone would like inspect the roof or something. I wrote down what I wanted my last words to you to be." Jack and Danny frown a little but answer. "I wanted to tell you, Danny, to finally finish that stupid freaking video game and move on with life." Jack and Danny chuckle. "And I told you to ask out Sara because 'life is short'. And to Jack I told you I hoped you and George stay very happy. And to tell George to help Danny move the hell on from that video game." They both laugh a little again and Jack tears up. "Please don't cry. You wanna know what I said to mom and dad?" They share a look and shrug. "I literally said 'Fuck you' several times because fuck them." We all laugh and Jack and Danny both nod in agreement.
After paying the check, we all walk to our cars. I say goodbye to Jack and Danny and make a deal that if I'm still living with Erik after a week, they get to meet him. They both acted like we'd be more than friends, if that's what we even are, by that time.
I drive to the storage locker and find mine. Locker 333. I like the number three, it's weird. I only had about seven boxes and only three and a half had clothes. I grab all the stuff with clothes in it and ones with my personal stuff in it. It's a twenty minute drive back to Erik's and I have to take two trips to bring all four boxes upstairs. It takes me a minute to remember where Erik said the key was and when I do, I quickly go in and bring my boxes to the room Erik gave me.
I take out my phone from the box and lay on the bed as I play games. I don't have much of a life. My old job was a freaking secretary who filed shit for lawyers at half of what I should've been paid. I actually was super relieved when I quit. But now I'm bored, out of a job, and homeless. These thoughts creep in, ones that make me wanna cry and I do. I curl into myself, burying my face in my knees and sobbing. God, this fucking sucks.
I hate feeling like everyday I walk around with this super thick blanket of self-hatred wrapped around me, making me not talk or socialize. My mind is always second guessing itself and makes me think all these negative things, not letting me be happy for two seconds. God, I fucking need help but that damn blanket makes me so nervous that it can physically hurt tell anyone about all this unless they approach me first.
I don't know how long I rock myself gently back and forth, sobbing into my knees. I'm so loud, I don't hear the front door open. I only hear the sound of a knock on the one I'm slightly facing.
YOU ARE READING
In The Eyes Of a Saint
Teen FictionI stare at the cars. I stare at the people. I look up and I stare at the sky. I stare at the clouds. A few birds fly by. I stare at those, too. Then, I look at the buildings. Some are completely lit up. Others are only partially. I stare at the cars...
