^ a line I really wanted to work in
this is the first actual piece of writing i’ve done in a month
i haven’t seen Batman Returns in a while, so forgive me for any inaccuracies
this is trash because of how little i write in first person
i also love the Penguin in all his incarnations so it kind of took over the fic
It all started when my dad asked us to watch a movie with him. He was stuck in the 90’s- the man adored the grunge, hip hop music, banal sitcoms and low budget movies that came with the decade. Dad would often use outdated lingo and make references that my brother and I weren’t old enough to understand. He wore baggy jeans and holey shirts, complete with permanent mud and grass stains. Mom regarded his obsession as quirky, though my sibling and I begged to differ.
He pulled out the DVD, and I scrutinized the faces on the cover- there was obviously Batman, Catwoman, and then a third guy. My brother muttered something about him being ugly, and normally I would have agreed, though something was different about him. He seemed intriguing with his pasty white skin and monocle. The curve of his nose was penguin-like. His grimace was bizarre, yet inviting. I was no connoisseur of DC Comics, so I didn’t recognize the third individual.
“Oh, Batman Returns! I haven’t seen this film in ages,” Mom gushed and snatched the DVD from Dad’s hands. “Did you kids know that your father and I met at the premiere of this film?”
My brother and I shook our heads.
“It’s true,” Dad confirmed proudly. “We bumped into each other and I spilled soda all over her, and I offered to buy her a new drink.”
“We waited for ages at the concession stand because the theatre was so crowded,” Mom groaned. “Eventually we made it back to the theatre, but the movie was half over!”
“I think it was worth it,” Dad said tenderly.
My mother blushed and looked at the ground, her smile glaringly obvious. After a moment of both satisfaction and awkwardness, we carried on with watching the movie. I felt the wisp of interest tap at my ribcage and reverberate in my chest; the image of the stranger on the DVD cover was starting to evolve from mere curiosity to fascination.
With my family squished uncomfortably close together on our loveseat, the film began. We were introduced to the situation of the Cobblepot family- a wealthy family with a malformed child. They resolved to abandon him in the sewer, where he was presumed dead. Yet, the child was rescued by rogue penguins and raised by them. I began to piece together that this may have been my stranger. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw his severe eyes peeking out from the sewer. His harsh and grating voice compelled the rest of my family to grimace and comment on its jarring sound, yet I was enthralled. This character was captivating me at an alarming rate. I leaned forward to better observe him in action as opposed to my reclining family.
The film progressed, and I watched this man nearly dismember a man’s nose, eat a raw fish with his bare hands, and spit more black ooze out of his mouth than my present company would have cared to have witnessed. I was mesmerized by Oswald Cobblepot. The other characters were mere formalities- pillars to support the most honest character in the entire film. At some point, I even dared to venture that he was handsome. Despite his disgusting demeanor and nearly animalistic behavior, the Penguin was somehow lovable, at least to me. A small smile crossed my face as I watched as my new love threw an umbrella, shouting, “lawn dart!” as he did so. His weapon unleashed a colony of bats that swarmed around a seemingly doomed woman. Part of me wanted to be in that woman’s shoes, if only to get closer to the penguin.
“He always used to scare me,” Mom admitted.
“Yeah, you freaked out when you saw him for the first time,” Dad said, and gave his usual jolly chuckle. “But so did all the other girls in the theatre.”
“I’m creeped out by him too,” my brother admitted after a silence. I didn’t comment.
The conclusion of the film saw Oswald Cobblepot dead on his little concrete island; the rookery that raised him into the man he became gave him a send off, to rest peacefully in the murky sewer waters underneath Gotham City. It was a somber moment for both the movie and myself. I felt genuinely sad that a such a fantastic individual met his end in flames. He was nothing more than a freak, and outcast that society took for granted. The sentiment became too much and I retired to my room before they could spot my tears and query about their presence in my eyes.
Lying in bed, I stared at the ceiling as the tears fell down my cheeks. Oswald Cobblepot didn't deserve the death he was given. Tim Burton needed to let the man live. Perhaps he would rise again and recapture Gotham with his charisma. I sat up and fumbled in the darkness for my laptop. I had to know more about my love.
There was a plethora of information concerning the Penguin, starting from his first appearance in Detective Comics #58 to his present day incarnation as Robin Lord Taylor. I looked at some images of Taylor's portrayal, and it didn't compare to his handsome counterpart, whose name is Danny Devito. He's a balding, little man who doesn't look half bad; not quite as attractive as Cobblepot, but still charming in his own way.
I knew I was really in love with Danny Devito when I decided to look through his more recent endeavors in film. After all, Batman Returns is over 25 years old. His most recent portrayal is the human incarnation of the red M&M. Not too bad in terms of attractiveness, yet I was nearly breathless when I saw him lying in a pool of chocolate. He was making a lame attempt at covering himself in the substance, rolling around like a pig.
Quickly, I shut my laptop and tossed it to the ground. Then, I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes. The image of Danny Devito was imprinted there, and I slept peacefully that night with my newfound fantasies.
