sympathy ~ e.d.

V

I'm being honest. I was really tempted to break my perfect attendance. I could barely get up this morning, the panic is still flowing around slightly. I feel sick, yet have no real symptoms. 

I hate this.

I'm sitting in class with my way too large hoodie to try and hide myself. It's not going to work. I know it. 

Ethan walks in, the one I'm hiding from. I just know it's him. He just sat down next to me. The kid's got nerves. I do too, though different ones. I mean, the nerves are nearly swallowing me alive while Ethan seems rather calm and collected.

He smiled a small smile at me that I saw in the corner of my eye. I didn't want to make eye contact with him. I never wanted to send that picture to him. Why did that happen? Why did I even give him my number? I should've said no.

I can feel his warm eyes on me. He wants to make eye contact, to speak to me. I'm not letting him. I won't respond. 

The teacher begins his lesson and I pay the most attention I probably ever will just to keep my mind off the boy sitting next to me. Surprisingly, he doesn't talk to me and just takes notes as well.

I can hear whispers behind me and if I remember correctly, Desiree and her friend were sitting there. Great, rumors are going to be spread about me. That could be added to the large pit of problems I'd dug for myself. 

I sit down at the same spot as I did yesterday for lunch. Outside, out of sight as much as possible. A bit in the shadow of the big tree. 

So much for sitting out of sight; a person is walking over to me. 

I just know it's Ethan. Doesn't he get the memo of stay away? I've purposely not been talking to him, doesn't he get that?

'Hey Zera-' 'Leave. I sent you the notes. You would leave me alone.' I take another bite of my bread, pretending I wasn't bothered. I must look so weak to him. That's the least I wanted. I do not want to be seen as weak.

'Please listen. Don't shut me out, I-' 'Too bad, too late. Please leave.' I don't make eye contact. 

'Z, seriously. Don't be so rude, please. I want to help.' Now I do look into his eyes. His hazel irises seem more of a brown tone at the moment and are focused on my face. He looks concerned. 

'I said no. Do not call me Z ever again. I shut you out because I have my reasons. Now, please go back to your football friends and twin to make up some stupid rumors about me, I do not care. Just please leave.' My eyes look back at the field. The eye contact was too strong and kept me captive, I needed to look away before I got lost.

Wow, I surprised myself by saying please twice. That's a relatively new concept, me being somewhat considerate.

'I just want you to know I care.' I look back at Ethan. He has stood up now and is walking away. I keep looking at his retreating back until he is inside again.

He cares? He says he cares? Sure he does! That idiot, just trying to play with my feelings, it seems. Good for me I don't have any, I think. I notice I'm getting angry at his words. Who does he think he is?

I feel the anger subdue a bit. I did the right thing by shutting him out, I tell myself. But the weird tingles called feelings started rising in my stomach. I think it's sadness, but I'm not completely sure. I'm horrible at distinguishing my own feelings. 

The only ones I feel I've got to know quite well were hopelessness and panic.