sympathy ~ e.d.

IX

I should head to school. Although my motivation is hidden somewhere I can't find it, I will just drag myself there. I've missed too much lessons already. I'm not particularly fond of seeing Ethan again, though. I'd rather avoid the guy until he doesn't even remember who I am anymore. I grab my backpack and an apple and head to school.

Luckily, the first few lessons go by fairly quickly and I head to lunch. I've made eye contact with Ethan a few times, he seemed to be looking rather concerned. I know it is not concern, though. Sympathy can be easily mistaken for concern and I have kind of developed a radar for that by now.

I ignored him wanting to contact me and fled out the classroom the second the bell rang. Now I'm walking alone towards my locker. I'm used to walking alone, I just keep pretending to have confidence. I'll blend in more with those stuck-up people that our school seems to have enough of.

I see a guy looking at me. Not subtly at all, just straight up staring. I recognize one of the Dolans walking next to the guy. It's Grayson... I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I spot his earring. The guy snickers and is not-so-subtly talking about me to Grayson. I can hear his voice from where I'm walking.

'Isn't she that girl who keeps stalking Ethan? Such an attention-seeking whore, wow.' He smirks at me, knowing fully well that I heard him. This guy does not have a life. I feel beaten down although I know I shouldn't pay attention to him. I just keep my head up and keep on placing my feet in front of me, stepping towards my locker. I wish I just blended in.

How does he even know that? Where did he get those false accusations from? He probably drew his own conclusions when he saw Ethan talking to me, a nobody. That is 'completely unacceptable' in our school. I mean, there are quite distinct groups and you stay within your own little box or you're a loner and a nobody. Tadaa! The description of me appeared!

'Bro, that's messed up. She's actually pretty nice', I hear Grayson say. I immediately feel slightly better and I almost full on grin in the middle of the hallway. Would be weird, let's not do that. I look at Grayson and give him a small smile, expressing my gratitude for him defending me. I shouldn't have been so touched. I shouldn't feel so warm because someone decides to stick up for me once.

I look back down and walk towards my locker again, focusing on my paces to not get out of balance. My entire rhythm is messed up because I let Grayson's friend and after that, Grayson get to me. I shouldn't have let them.

I shake my head and open my locker, still lost in thoughts. 'Hey.' Someone's soft voice breaks my train of thoughts and startles me. I jump up the slightest bit in shock and look into Ethan's warm eyes. He is feeling some kind of feeling and wants to tell me about it, I can tell.

'I'm glad you are feeling better, yet I am unhappy you're avoiding me.' He is stating his feelings. I know that trick. He makes himself seem vulnerable, which he obviously isn't, to make me feel worse when I were to react badly. He knows I am very tempted to just walk away or react even worse.

'I'm not', I choke out and switch some of my books in my bag with those in my locker. He stays quiet and when I look into his eyes again, even in that split second I can tell he looks at me with a look that reveals he knows better. And I should know better than lie to him.

'I'm not.' My voice is sounding a bit stronger now. I will just keep repeating it until I will convince myself. He just shakes his head and looks at the ground, most likely slightly disappointed in me. I mean, who isn't?

'I actually made notes in English class, so I'll send you those. You haven't missed anything exciting, though. Just some summaries of really old English literature which was really boring. I somehow didn't fall asleep because otherwise I wouldn't have notes for you.' He adds his cute smile at the end. I just nod as a response and a thank you.

'You're avoiding me, ignoring me, pretending like you're bored of me', he mumbles. I look at him slightly confused. 'Where's that from?' I don't recognize the little poet. He must read a lot.

'Nowhere.' His cheeks turn slightly pink, confusing me even further. I'm intrigued now and want to ask more but I remember myself I mustn't. I shoudn't get attached. I put my mask back on and re-build my walls that he seems to break that easily.

'But, where are we meeting tonight?' he asks. He didn't forget. I've got quite a large problem now. 'I can't.' I simply state in the hope of getting rid of the plans he had decided on some time ago. I don't even try thinking of a reason knowing it'll be so bad.

'You can, it's that you just don't want to. I may get it a little bit but I'm begging you to let me in. You're in a downward spiral and everyone around you seems to notice but you.' 'I don't have anyone around me to notice and I'm fine that way. Bye, Ethan.'

I walk away and despite me usually doing that, I feel somewhat guilty and how he must be feeling right now is circling through my mind. I want to get rid of it so badly, want to get his disappointed face that my mind is imagining out of my head, but it seems impossible. He won't leave.