sympathy ~ e.d.

X

I'm sitting on the couch. I know Ethan will come around some time soon but I don't want him to. I am getting really nervous and feeling bad. I'll just go for a walk, try to walk away from my problems.

I head out the door, keys in my pocket. I left my phone at home so he wouldn't be able to call me nor track my location in any way. I just walked, no idea where I would end up. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, yet not too alone they would take over. It's hard to find that balance.

I end up somewhere next to a lake. I'm just staring at the water, letting the little waves calm me down. Nothing is on my mind, yet everything at the same time. It's so busy inside my head, I can't seem to find room to try and calm down.

I feel a presence sitting down next to me. I look to my side and see Ethan sitting there. He's not saying anything, just staring at the water like I was. His side profile is facing me, making his jawline stand out.

'How did you find me?' I ask, barely audible. I already know the answer, I just want him to answer it. 'I knew you would flight so I decided to follow you.'I look back at the water and I can feel him looking at me. I feel somewhat guilty, which is weird.

'Can you please answer a few questions? I want to help you, understand you better.' His voice breaks the silence that had been hanging over us. I look down at my shoes instead of the water. I was dreading this. I'm weak now and that's one thing I don't want to be. Being weak equals being taken advantage of. I've noticed that over the span of time.

I sigh. 'Depends. I'd rather not, though. I know you won't give up but I wish you did', I try to scare him away. I don't want anyone close to me, I think.

'Okay, so where is your father?' I close my eyes and sigh. Did he really have to start with the hardest question of all? I feel sadness arising but I surpress it. 'Not here', I answer, trying to sound strong.

'Please, Zera, let me in. I want to help you, I want to be friends but it won't work if you keep shutting me out.' His voice sounds hurt. 'Maybe I don't want help. I don't want your sympathy, I don't want you looking at me as if I was some lost orphan. I'm fine. Leave me, please', I try to sound harsh to lock him out again. Even though I keep attempting to shut him out, his words seem to find their path to my heart every time.

'Zera, please.' I stand up and so does he. 'No! I didn't ask for your help or sad smiles my way or any of that!' I start talking loudly to Ethan. 'Let me in! I can tell you're hurting but if you don't tell me the main cause of your hurt, I can't!'

'You don't know me!' 'I can observe, Zee. I know the main reason for you being hurt and shutting others out is most likely because you feel like your father betrayed you. I-' 'You want to hear it, don't you? Well, he fucking fled off to Europe with some lady and basically left me to die. The fucking problem is that I still love him to death! I hate myself and him and you. I really hate you!' I am shouting now.

I'm completely lost. My feelings are taking over and my rational thoughts have been replaced. I am mad and tears are almost spilling out. Ethan doesn't say anything, he just pulls me into a hug. Why would he do that? I just told him I hated him.

I resist it, try to get out, escape, but he doesn't let me go. After a few seconds of trying to escape, I give up. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and he just holds me. He holds me and runs his fingers over my back. He kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair in an attempt to calm me down.

It works somehow. Tears are still running over my face but I'm not trying to get out of his grip anymore. 'It's okay to not be okay', he whispers and I wrap my arms back around him. I haven't hugged anyone in so long, it feels so strange yet comforting. I feel sheltered in some way.

He lets me go. He probably thought I would be stable enough to stand but I'm not. I sit down on the ground clumsily. He has got a comforting smile on his face while mine is nowhere to be seen. There are tears sitting on my cheeks. I'm not crying anymore but I have too little energy to wipe them away.

Ethan sits down next to me as well. I feel tired, so tired. I should probably head back home. I can't bring myself to standing up though.

'Please let me in, Zee. I really want to help you, don't feel like you are a burden to me because you are not. You're gorgeous and strong. Don't forget that.' His eyes look into mine. Mine probably look worn out and tired while his are full of energy.

He carefully brings his thumb up to my cheeks and wipes an old tear from my cheek. I flinch when he touches me.

He's not really trying to be a friend. He has known me too short for that. He can't see me at this low point in my life. I shouldn't cry in front of him, he may think we have a connection of some sort now. And no matter how badly I crave social interaction sometimes, I still won't drag him into my stupid little problems. If I could just convince myself of that.

I look at the ground, avoiding his gaze that is on my face. I can tell he finds it hard to find the words for what he wants to say next.

'You may not trust me now, I can tell, but you will. Someday, you will. Just know I'll be waiting for that someday as a friend. And until then, I will be trusting you so I can show you it is possible to be yourself and strong all while putting trust in someone. I care for you, Zee. It's not the sympathy you think you're always getting.'

A single tear falls down my cheek again and this time I do let Ethan wipe it away.

~

Hi! Okay I'm honestly so sorry but I sort of maybe slightly forgot to update last week :/
double update for this week :)