sympathy ~ e.d.

XII

Time has this funny thing where it seemingly quickens sometimes. That is what it felt like the last few months. Ethan has been coming over once or twice a week. Expected some of those times, unexpected for most of them. I have never been over at his yet. I don't think I want to and he hasn't asked me.

I've accepted it that he comes to my house quite often, and I'm beginning to enjoy his company more and more. We sometimes eat dinner together. He brings something from home or the store or I cook something.

If we talk, it's mostly about school. I don't want to bring up the tragedy that is my life. He sometimes mentions his twin or sister when they did something stupid together. it's nice to hear stories of families that aren't as dysfunctional as mine sometimes. I don't even think I can call mine a family anymore, seeing it consists of just one.

My mom is traveling more and more. Further and further still. It's like she wants to get away from me, like I remind her of something she doesn't want to be reminded of. I try to tell myself that's not true but it's hard when the little post-it's she leaves for me all seem to say the same thing. That she'll be gone for a while. She has given up on apologizing to me for leaving.

It's another Friday and Ethan invited himself to my house once again. I turn on the oven for some pizzas I bought at the supermarket. I'm not in the mood for cooking right now. I take a look at the clock. Ethan isn't here yet, he's late. He almost never is.

An hour later, still nothing has been heard from him. I don't want to admit it but I was expecting him and was actually excited for him to come over for once. I think I can consider him a friend by now.

I'm mindlessly scrolling through my phone when it starts ringing. It's Ethan. I pick it up, I think I'm annoyed at him for not coming. I don't know, I'm not good at distinguishing feelings.

I can hear Ethan is a mess over the phone. He's frantically apologizing for not being there on time. 'Ethan, it's alright. What's wrong?' 'It's nothing, I just wanted to let you know I feel really bad for not being able to come. I... Well...' He seems to be doubting whether he'll tell me what's wrong.

'I just... No. I'll see you on Monday. I'm fine.' He hangs up the phone, leaving me utterly confused what just happened. I don't know a lot about his feelings, I just know something's completely wrong. I don't think he'd want to tell it to me over the phone.

I text Grayson, whose number I had because Ethan called me from his phone a few times.

'Grayson, I could tell Ethan is not alright over the phone, is it okay if I stop by? would you mind texting me your address?'

Grayson texts me the address minutes later and says he's okay with me stopping by and that Ethan definitely needs some comfort right now.

I get in my car and drive over to their apartment as quickly as I can. I park my car and walk up the stairs to their door. I knock and Grayson opens the door.

He looks like a mess. His eyes are red, as if he had just been crying and his hair was all messed up, something he never showed the rest of the world. His hair was known to always sit perfectly atop of his head.

My first instinct is to give him a hug. He looks like he really needs one. I don't even know him that well, but even I can tell he needs some mental support right now as well.

I wrap my arms around his waist and he's slightly surprised at first, but then he hugs me back. I can feel his irregular breathing against my chest.

We let go of each other after a few seconds. Then all kinds of negative thoughts rush through my head. Why did I do that? I barely know the guy. He must think I am such a creep. This is the reason I'm usually alone.

'Thank you, I needed that', he sends a small yet sad smile my way. 'I'm going for a run. Ethan is in his room, it's not my place to tell you what's wrong. If he wants you to know, he will tell you.' I send Grayson a small encouraging smile while he heads out the door.

The door falls back into the lock and I'm left standing alone in some apartment I don't even know. I walk towards what seems to be the hallway and I can see one door slightly opened. I peek inside and see Ethan sitting on his bed, his head in his hands. He looks really stressed, unhappy, unlike the Ethan that always visits me.

I open the door further and he still doesn't notice me. His thoughts are probably blocking out every other sound. I walk over to him, sit down next to him, and just wrap my arms around him. He snaps out of his train of thoughts and looks at me, really confused why I'm here.

His face looks sad, tired, unhappy. All the energy I'm used to him having, has seemingly left. His shocked face is quickly gone when he tightly holds me. I can tell he's trying to stay strong.

He lets go of me and his dulled eyes look into my worried ones. 'My dad has been diagnosed with cancer.' He tries to stay strong and swallow down his tears but I can see he's on the verge of crying. I hold him again, tighter than before.

'It's alright to cry, E. You don't have to keep up that strong image for me', I whisper to him. He can't hold his tears back anymore and his breathing is irregular. His back shocks with every sob and his tears dampen my sweater.

I hold him tightly and let my hand run up and down his back. Then, I let my hands go to his hair and I stroke his hair. I feel his sobs becoming slightly less and he attempts to bring his breathing back to its original state.

He lets me go and he tries to ignore my eye contact. I inch in closer and softly grab his chin, subtly forcing his eyes to meet mine. The red and puffiness give away that tears had been shed.

'E, don't be ashamed of your feelings. Please.' I wipe his tears dry with my hands while he is now looking me straight in the eye. We're pretty close right now. My hands are both still resting on his face. He comes in even closer and our lips touch.

He kisses me. I didn't even know I wanted this until now. His lips are so soft, so addicting, I find myself wanting more. I pull back, though.

'E, we are both so unstable right now. This isn't smart. I-' I stop mid-sentence, not knowing how to finish the sentence I started. He looks hurt and backs off. I don't want him to. I want to remain friends, maybe even more than that later. I need to voice my feelings to him and I feel the pressure rising for me to say the right thing, using the exact right words.

'I can't talk about my feelings, E. You know I'm horrible at it. I'll try to explain them to you later. Right now, I just want to comfort you.' He nods, seemingly hurt but content with the answer I had given him.

'Do you want to watch something on tv?' he asks me, the first thing he has said tonight. I nod with a smile and give him a hug.

We sit down on the couch and Ethan sits down next to me. He turns the tv on and lets the show on it had already been on. We're both not paying attention, our minds rushing to the many thoughts and conclusions that have been stored in there.

Ethan is sitting rather close to me, which I do not mind, and I can tell he is tired. 'Lay down, E, you're tired', I softly say and he rests his head on my arm. I gently lay his head down on my lap and he seems okay with it.

My fingers seemingly find their way towards his hair and I run them through it. His eyes seem to close slightly longer every time he blinks until they've completely closed. He seems to be enjoying the moment, a small smile slightly forming on his lips. I'm happy I could distract him from the horrible news he had just gotten.