sympathy ~ e.d.

IV

I place my plate in the sink and run some hot water over it. I am upset, my mom broke another promise by not showing up for dinner once again. 

I try not to think about it while I am putting her plate back on the shelf. I should be used to it by now, my mom not being there. However, I'm not, and I find myself quite dependent on her still. I wish I wasn't, I wouldn't be so let down every time she doesn't fulfill her promises.

I head upstairs with an apple as my dessert. I'll go send Ethan those notes so he can leave me alone. I find my phone laying face-down in the middle of my bed. I turn it around and find Ethan had sent me even more messages.

'Zera'

'Zera' 

'z, you are ignoring me.'

'You'd send me those notes remember?' 

'Hello?'

I roll my eyes. Can't he just calm down for a second?

'Do not call me Z ever again. And I know you don't need those notes tonight, stop being so clingy.' 

'Your alive!' 

'You're*' 

'Grammar freak.' 

'Incapable human being.'

'Well, aren't we nice?'

'Can you send me the notes pleeasseeee?'

'So you won't bother me ever again? Yes, for sure, I'll send you pictures!' 

'So nice.'

 I roll my eyes and take my notebook for history out of my bag. I open my camera app and take pictures of the notes I took the last few lessons. 

Then I go back to my conversation with Ethan. I click on 'share photos' and see the picture of the birthday card my dad had sent me. I click on the picture and see his handwriting, the so-called heartfelt words. I remember every single letter of that card. I click on the cross in the left corner so I can pick out a different picture, the picture of the notes. 

I can't even find the notes before I feel sadness rising up and my phone falls out of my hand. I shake my head to get the stupid thoughts out. I see that picture again, for the first time in a few months and immediately I react. Why am I so stupidly dependent? 

I grab my phone again to send the guy the notes and see that a picture is being sent to Ethan. How did this happen? I didn't click on anything. I start panicking. 

The picture of the words inside of the birthday card is being sent to him.

'No, no, no! No, don't send!' I shout, now in full-on panic mode.

I quickly turn off my wifi, but it is of no use. My phone isn't cooperating. 

The picture has been sent to Ethan. What do I do now? He isn't supposed to read that!

I try to delete it but my phone doesn't let me. I try everything to just get that picture away from the chat, away from Ethan's eyes, but it won't work. 

I frantically start typing.

'No, that is not meant for you. Don't read it, it would be an evasion of privacy. Here are your notes.'

I send him the right pictures directly after, in the hope that he won't notice the first one. It's just me clinging to false hope, I know he will.

I turn my phone off and throw it on the chair that's standing in the far end of my room. I bury my head in my hands and feel that the air around me is getting thicker, heavier. The air doesn't seem to want to enter my lungs anymore. I try to take deep breaths, but they just keep getting smaller and more frantically.

The air around me seems to press against my chest, feeling like a hundred pounds are on top of me. I change my position to laying flat on my back on my bed. I feel my lungs opening up slightly, yet I'm still not getting enough oxygen. 

The feeling of panic is waving over me, seemingly worsening as if the tide was swallowing me. And I was just stood there, with cement blocks as feet.