Time Cannot Resent [Gay Love]

Doubts Piling Up

The day quickly flowed by. It was really hard to act all cool and okay in front of everyone but what's really hard is to put on a good expression whenever I bump into Blaire.

Yep, it was really hard. Really hard to be brave enough to put on that annoying mask that I keep on wearing. Really hard to endure the pain that my heart feels. really hard to blink those tears away.

GOD! Everything's so complicated. I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be easy but I never expected that it would be this hard. But is it really okay for me to complain like this? I'm not even sure if we're actually "together" together yet I'm acting like an overly-attached-slash-bitchy girlfriend. What am I going to do if... all along... everything... all of this... our relationship, his feelings, his messages, his calls, his hugs... his kiss... was all a joke to him to kill time?

What am I going to do?! 

Maybe everything was all a big mistake from the start. I shouldn't have confessed! I regret confessing to him. Seeing him was supposed to be enough for me. I never craved for more. I thought it was just puppy love that I could easily forget about and replace, but why? Bit by bit there was this emptiness... a longing that crept in my heart. I began to crave for him even more to the point that I would go crazy. Is it stupid of me to say that I love him? Love in the sense that it's not some stupid teenage love that could easily be forgotten. Do I really regret everything? If I didn't confess to him... would I be happy right now just staring at him from afar?

Uggghhh!! This is so frustrating! Why did it have to be him?! Why is it like this? No matter how angry I am I can't force myself to blame him. It's like I'm hopeless against him. But why do I feel so assured if it's him? I'm still not even sure of the real status of our relationship.

" WHY?! GODDAMMIT?! WHY?! "

" Yes, Skeith? Do you have any questions about this problem? " My math teacher asked with a surprised look.

" Uhhhh. Uhmmm. No. I'm sorry for disrupting class. "

" It's okay but please refrain from wandering in your thoughts. Our lesson today is included in the exams. " She said eyeing me while the rest of the class giggled in their seats.

" You alright, bro? " one of my friends whispered behind me.

" Yeah " I replied wryly.

" Alright, let's proceed. So in the equation c2 = a2 + b2 it shows that... " my teacher went on with the lesson as if nothing had happened. You know, I wish life was like that sometimes. I wish you could continue to live normally even after seeing your self-proclaimed boyfriend flirting with some bitch on the rooftop. I really wish it was as simple as that.

Dang. Ding. Dang. Dong. 

Ding. Dang. Dong. Ding.

" Ok. That's all for today. See you tomorrow, everyone. " the teacher announced right after the bell rang. Everyone hurriedly fixed their things and began chatting about their plans for the rest of the day. One of my friends even asked me if I wanted to go Karaoke with them but I hurriedly declined the offer. Damn bastards, can't they read the look on my face that I didn't want to talk or be with anyone at the moment. But maybe they were just worried because I'm not usually like this.

I'm not usually like this. I'm not usually like this. I'm not usually like this.

Damn. What was I usually like anyway? Happy-go-lucky? Carefree? Mr. smiles and sunshine? But now look at me? I look like an emo pessimist that even blames the sun for shining. It's all that guy's fault.

" I hate him so much! " I screamed out loud. Luckily everyone already left. I found an uneasy comfort in the silence of the room. I usually hate dull, gloomy places because it reminds me of sad memories but somehow being alone comforted me more. The silence assured me that for once, it was okay to take off that heavy mask that always burdened me.

*Slide*  

The door suddenly flew open. I didn't bother to look at first because I thought it was just one of my classmates who had forgotten something. It only bothered me when I didn't hear any sound. It's like he or she just stood there... staring at me. I couldn't stand the anxiety slowly building up in my heart so I looked towards the door.

Wrong decision!

" Blaire... " I croaked.

When he noticed that I was finally paying attention to him, he slowly made his way towards me. He didn't say a word. He just continued to move forward. I could feel my hands shaking, my eyes slowly welling. When he stopped in front of me, I could hardly release my breath. It was like he taped my lungs to prevent it from functioning properly.

I quickly look down. 

Wrong move again!

He quickly grabbed both my hands which disabled me from protesting. Well, as if I could! I was totally stoned in my seat even with just his mere presence. Oh God, no! Don't grab my chin! Don't! STOP!! Ok. So he did grab it and directed it at him. As I stared in his eyes, which usually resembled a calm night sky, I felt a shiver run down my spine. It was as if a storm was brewing inside of him. The once calm and comforting night sky that I've come to love has changed into bitterness and sorrow.

Blaire let out a deep sigh and loosened his grip. He collapsed on the floor while I didn't dare move an inch. After a few seconds, he moved to rest his head on my table while looking at me like a dog begging for attention.

Blaire let out a second sigh, " Do you hate me Skeith? "

God! Where is this question coming from?! But come to think of it, I did hate him a few minutes ago but seeing him with that adorable look on his face... Oh god I'm completely swoon by him.

" It's... not like you did anything in particular. "

" But why do I get this feeling that you're completely pissed at me and you've been avoiding me since earlier this morning. "

Yes you, IDIOT! I am pissed at you but I'm more pissed at myself for forgiving you just because you come to my class with a look that looks like a lost puppy.

" It's just that... Nevermind... It's nothing. "

" What is it? How am I suppose to know what I'm doing wrong if you don't say a damn thing?! " Blaire exlcaimed as he slammed both his palms on my table.

N-n-n-oo. No! Stop flowing! Oh god why can't I can't keep these damned tears locked up?!

" Skeith... say something. " Blaire said but this time with a calmer look. Maybe because I cried.

I gripped my pants with both hands and tried to bravely answer him, " Are... we seriously... in a relationship? "

" Huh? Where the heck is this coming from?! I wouldn't kiss you,I wouldn't hug you, I wouldn't accompany you home, I wouldn't call or text you every night if we weren't going out. "

" I know... that kiss when I first confessed to you... you weren't sincere about it. "

" So you're upset because I kissed you for fun?! Skeith, that was weeks ago! Everything's changed now. "

" See you said it! You did kiss me for fun. "

" Fine! If a kiss isn't enough for you, why don't I just fuck you? Is that enough?! "

*Slap*  

I felt my hands move subconsciously and before I could stop it a red, hand mark was planted on Blaire's face. I quickly got up and carried my things away with me, crying and shivering. Blaire's words still echoing in me.

Why don't I just fuck you? Is that enough?

Now I feel even worse. What am I really to him? Am I really important to him or am I just another potential fuck buddy?