Under Control/Joshler

13.

The commencing days were better for them both. That night, they sat down and spoke about everything and anything. Everything and anything between what happened when they were gone and to more serious stuff, like about their relationship. Josh daren't say anything to Tyler about his 'habits'. But Tyler knew Josh knew something. Since then, he hasn't purged. Of course, It's hard, he struggles to not fall to his knees at the toilet whenever he enters the bathroom. The only reason he isn't, is because he doesn't want Joshua to worry about him, or worse, mention it to him.

Josh's pov:
I can't stop thinking about when Hayley was showing me those sheets. Sometimes, I think about it too deeply I forget what I was actually doing. Like I said, it's probably not true, because Tyler's fine at the moment! He is sat at the table with waffles, I made an exception for him to have berries instead. And he's actually eating it!

I finish making our coffees after zoning out, and I bring them to the table. I place his drink down on the coaster and his head shoots up. "How many sugars did you put in it?" He asks with his fork hovering in his hand. "Ah, shit, I put one in there, My bad. Do you want to swap?" he looks over at my mug, "How many sugars-", "There's none in there. Wanna swap?", "Sure you don't mind? I'll just have this one", to save him doing something I should be weary of, I simply change our mugs around, and he seems slightly relieved.

What would he've done if he'd realised that there was sugar in his coffee? I'm thinking into it too much. "I have one of the sweeteners in a tea, none in a coffee" He must've read my thoughts. He reminds me what to put in his drinks from now on, as he clears off his plate. I agree with him with a nod. "You can talk to me, y'know." I abruptly throw into the conversation. Tyler furrows his brows at me in confusion. "If there's anything you need to tell me, I'm all ears." I don't imply his habits, but maybe he just needs assurance that I am here for him. He gives me an unconvincing half smile before he offers to take our plates out to the kitchen.

~~~

Tyler's pov:
I've managed to distract myself with assignments. Boy, I've already missed a deadline for submission. I've somehow bribed my tutor to allow me to submit my work late. The week Josh was gone, I had no motivation to do anything, and now I'm regretting the consequences.

After eating breakfast, I daren't look at my Fitness watch. To save me from feeling any more shitty, I rip it off my wrist and I toss it in the bottom drawer of the desk. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. I remember checking the back of some food packaging  not long ago, I think it was eggos? It was around 19- 

No numbers. I know it'll just make me feel disgusting. Let's switch on the radio instead. I flick through stations until I stumble across a song I like. I crack open the window, too. Nice ventilation, relaxing music, now I can catch up on my work!

"Summers' right around the corner! Get that beach bod ready! Times' running OUT! Come down to Metro Fitness, 75 percent off for new comers, limited time only". Thanks radio advert, that makes me feel loads better. I turn the radio off angrily and I try to continue with my work.

How much was in your breakfast this morning, Tyler?

I hate being alone with my thoughts. To make myself feel better, I'll do some exercise at my desk! I start with jogging on the spot. This should hopefully budge some of it.

1000? 2000? 3000?!

Not now! I start to feel panicky and sweaty, I get up and I stand by the open window to calm down. I have the biggest desire to go purge and relieve myself, but I can't. As much as I want and need to, I physically can't! If Josh is to realise any of this, he'd lose it! Imagine all the people he'd tell, Jenna... Brendon, my GP, my family. My Mom, Dad, siblings! That would push them over the edge.

I feel my chest tightening up and my breaths are becoming shorter. The cold breeze coming in from the window isn't helping me much.

Do it. You know you want to.

My heart races and it makes my stomach twist and turn.  I'm going to do it. I don't care what Josh suspects. My shaking hands grip onto my shirt that hangs loosely around my frame.

Fat frame.

After sprinting to the bathroom, I discover it's only locked isn't it? I knock on the door again and again rapidly until I get a response, "Josh? Josh?!", "Yeah?", "Please, I need to use the toilet...". I hear a distinct sigh from him. "I'm literally going to be 2 more minutes, can you wait?" I pull on the door handle to check if he's unlocked it, and he hasn't. "No-no, I don't feel too good, hurry pleeease" I whine to him as I hit my hand against the door. A click comes from behind the door and it suddenly concaves from me leaning on it. I usher Josh out the bathroom and I lock him out.

Josh's pov:
"Tyler!!" he literally just PULLED me out the bathroom! I swear he was feeling fine earli-ohh. I rush to press my ear up against the door. "Tyler, baby..." I can't hear anything over the sink tap running. I only manage to make out is muffled coughs and splutters. I know where this is gonna end up, try to distract him Josh. "Do you need anything?" I give him a few seconds for a response but he ignores me. The next thing I hear is sick coating the toilet bowl, followed by sniffs and spitting.

I resign to the couch whilst he proceeds to clean up behind himself. He surely can't think I haven't clocked on yet? I rest my head between my knees with a deep sigh. I'm not too sure how to feel: Angry? Upset? Confused?

When I hear the bathroom door unlock, I cock my head up. Tyler comes out with a wet eyes, pale complexion and shaky hands. He manages a small smile to me, but in his eyes, you can tell, deep down, he isn't well.

~~~

We haven't spoke in a couple hours now. We've segregated ourselves in the apartment. I am currently on an email thread with Hayley, I'm telling her what's happened:

WilliamsH: I advise you tell his close friends and family members. If this does spiral out of control, they deserve to know now.
DunJ: What do I say though? That their son, nephew, best friend is shoving his fingers down his throat daily because he thinks he's not of a good weight?
WilliamsH: If that's what you're seeing then tell them. I recommend telling people face to face so they can tell you're being sincere.
DunJ: You're right. I'll visit his mom and dad tomorrow.

I put down my laptop and push it aside. I exhale deeply as I lean back into the couch again. I seriously wouldn't think I'd go down this road, especially not with Tyler. Out of everyone, Tyler?! And why now? He hasn't showed any warnings that he doesn't like his body or he's weary of what food he eats, until he's  force vomiting in the bathroom.

Tyler's not around. He's in the study. I don't want to text his mom, in case he snoops on my phone. Now is my chance to call his parents. What if he hears me? I can't afford that! I'll step outside. That way can clear my head, too. "I'm going out" I shout from the living room to the study. I don't really want to see him like he is right now. Just as I turn to the door I hear a soar throat say, "Oh..where're you going?" Tyler stands outside his door in the hall way. My eyes scan over him. The muscles in his neck are becoming really prominent. "For a walk, I won't be long".

~~~

Once I get out the flat and have walked a couple blocks, I find a lone bench outside the train station and I perch back against the frail wooden planks. The whisper of the mild air around my bare ankles makes the hairs on my spine stand on end. I reach into my shallow trouser pockets for my phone. Before I open it up to make the phone call, I fiddle with it in my hands. Is this a call I should ever have to make? Not ever.

Reluctantly, I open the phone up and flick through my contacts until I find 'Tys Mom'. My thumb hovers over the call option but I push myself to press it. A few rings echo out until she comes to the phone, "Hello, Joshua!" she sounds surprised to hear from me. "Hiya...I don't suppose you're free tomorrow? There's something I want to talk to you about".