Under Control/Joshler

15.

Tylers pov:
"Why don't you just eat? I honestly don't understand it" Josh sits at the opposite end of the table to me exerting a judging look towards me. "It's not that easy-", "Well, it kinda is? It stresses me out cause I don't want to take you anywhere".

"Anyone would think you're a child with the way you eat" he rolls his eyes whilst forking food round his plate. "You know what? I don't think I can do this anymore" he kicks his chair over from the table in heat and storms to the bedroom. "...Huh? What do you mean?" I plead him for answers, "We're breaking up".

I involuntarily shoot upright immediately. I look around. Was that a dream? I hope so! I'm in bed. Alone. Sun light pours through the cracks of the blinds making me wince. I'm soaking wet with sweat. My chest eases up and I'm able to catch my breath again. It's only just clicked that Josh isn't in bed with me, but the sound of the TV playing in the front room assures me he's still here.

I manage to bring myself to get out of bed. I completely freeze over once my feet leave the cosy bed sheets. My knuckles rub into my eyes as I search for Josh. He's on the couch, elbows resting on his thighs, staring down at his phone. A noise of relief comes out and I walk over to him. He doesn't notice me until he hears my feet against the floor.

"Morning" his voice sounds scratchy and tired. "Can I have a hug?" I know I shouldn't have to ask but that dream seemed too real. "Of course babe, you don't have to ask!" he chucks his phone aside and opens his arms. I manage to position myself on his lap so I can wrap my arms around his neck. His grip is tight around my waist but I don't mind. I feel safe. This is home.

"Please don't leave me", his thumb rubbing up and down my back stops. "I wouldn't blame you if you did, but, please don't leave me". "What's made you say that?" his matte eyes furrow at me. I move and rest against the arm chair and throw my legs over him. "I had a nightmare, you was shouting at me saying how I'm a child how I eat and you got really scary and you said we're breaking up" I laugh so I don't cry. "Oh, Tyler. That makes me upset. Of course, I do get angry when I don't see you take care of yourself cause you're all I have. Nothing you could do could make me leave you".

~~~

"It's time we look through all this stuff", Josh regards the information packets we got yesterday. I thought I could've avoided it. "We don't have to sit down and read all of it, we can just dip into it when we feel like it, okay?" he reassures me and puts his hand on my thigh.

"Admissions...statistics...who can help..." he reads of the contents of the plastic pocket we were given, "...meal plan". He looks over to me so I just nod slowly. "These meal plans are prepared to assist health care professionals in the hospital inpatient settings in the process of re-feeding adolescents with anorexia nervosa" Josh reads aloud where as I read the page in my head. "Where not stated meal portions are based on standard average hospital menu portions" I'm guessing they're gonna be small? "It says here if you don't/want to eat the meal, a nutritional supplement is optional" I look at him in confusion, is that like a tablet? Cause I could take that. "It's a drink, like a milkshake, one of the kids in our school has one in their lunch everyday".

"Day 1, breakfast. Small bowl of cereal (e.g Weetabix) with milk", "Or?" I ask and he looks back in the booklet. "Or a 90ml supplement". "I'll have the cereal. After I'll go to the store and buy those supplements" I look down as I say that but regardless, he just agrees and goes to the kitchen to make my cereal. I follow closely behind him and I hug him from behind to show my appreciation. "Each meal/snack is to be consumed with 300-400mls of liquid" he reads off the booklet and brushes his hands over mine. "Get a drink and sit down" he tells me as he pours two bowls of cereal.

We both sit on the sofa under a blanket eating a bowl of corn flakes and cold milk as we watch Jerry Springer. That's how our weekend is going! I see that our portions are clearly different but I couldn't eat a big bowl like his. "Why are you eating so slowly?", "Well  I don't want you to feel like you have to rush when I'm done" he explains. "Remember? No more secrets".

"Don't forget your drink, too" he reminds me just as I set my empty bowl down (half an hour later) which makes a moan aloud. "I'm sorry, I'm saying it cause I love youuu" he pushes me over on the other side of the sofa and forces kisses all over my face,"Josh, remember I've just ate" I spit out a bit too aggressively.

I finish the glass of water with still a quarter left but I can't bring myself to consume any more. The skin around my nails become soft and tender from where I'm biting them. He takes our bowls to the kitchen and I hear him yawn un-necessarily loudly. "Still tired?" I joke, and he drags himself over and rests his arms on the back of the couch."Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night" I get a close up of his dull skin, dark eyes and dry eyes, "I wanted to make sure you didn't get up in the night". Oh. Josh stayed awake. All night. So I didn't sneak off.

Look at what you're doing to others

Yeah. Nice one, Ty.

"Oh, you shouldn't have! Remember, no more secrets"