Brew Books

Chapter 36

When I check my phone, I realise I have missed calls from Kitty. My stomach lurches as I remember the women's march that I was supposed to go to today. And I bailed on it to see my ex-boyfriend? Am I the worst feminist in the world?

But I'm spurred on by both sad and angry energy, and my feet take me to Oxford Street. Before I know it I'm in Zara. I haven't been clothes shopping in a long time, and I realise what I need today is retail therapy. The bookstore and café barely pays me enough money to survive in London, but my credit card is connected to my dad's account. And today, I'll need it.

I buy two dresses, a new jacket, a pair of shoes, and three tops, and after that I am wracked with exhaustion. The two beers, the shopping and the bustle of Oxford Street has made me tired, and I'm in a completely foul mood.

Horrible thoughts are racing through my head. About Drew. About Rachel. And Nadia, and Abby. And my mum, and my dad. And Kitty's mum.

I realise I can't face the tube journey home - the Central line on a Saturday is full of tourists, and it's hot, and smelly, and crowded, and I feel my throat constricting and tears welling in my eyes just at the thought of descending the escalator into the pits of the underground. Instead I pull up the Uber app on my phone, and a car arrives within minutes. The smile on my face when I greet the driver feels plastic.

Sitting in the backseat of the car, I watch Oxford Street disappear. It takes over half an hour to get home through the London traffic. I ask the driver to drop me at the tube station, because my worst fear would be for someone from the flat to see me getting out of an Uber. I don't think they'd understand. I know they would judge me.

Ed is working, and the girls and Will are still out, so no one is home to see me do my walk of shame into the flat. I breathe a sigh of relief as I finally reach my bedroom and slam the door shut behind me. I dump my shopping bags, strip off my clothes, and climb into bed. I still have makeup on but right now I can't face the ordeal of going to the bathroom to wash it off.

But I realise I need to text Kitty.

"I'm so sorry. I went out to meet a friend for coffee and then suddenly I got really sick. I'm in bed. So sad to miss today."

Then I switch off my phone, pull the covers over my head, and allow myself to cry.

I wake up to a knock on my door. Before I can answer, Kitty has let herself into my room.

'Jane? Are you feeling okay?' Kitty whispers. She almost trips over my shopping bags as she walks into my bedroom, then sits down on the edge of my bed. Her hair is in an angel braid around her head, and I notice she's pinned a pink pin to her t-shirt - the female symbol with a closed fist printed inside.

I sit up and rub my face, embarrassed to have Kitty find me asleep. 'Hi,' I say. 'I was just sleeping.'

'I know. Are you sick?' Kitty asks.

I nod. 'Yeah, I feel horrible. But I feel so bad that I missed the march.'

'Oh, don't worry,' Kitty says. 'If you're sick it would have been way too much for you. The crowds were pretty intense.'

'Was it fun?' I ask.

'Yeah,' Kitty says, with a smile. 'I'm sorry you weren't feeling up to it. Do you want me to get you anything? A cup of tea?'

I feel guilty for asking Kitty to get me something when I'm not really sick, but I do want a tea, so I nod.

She comes back with two cups of tea and a packet of cold and flu medication. Then she crawls into bed beside me and hands me my tea.

'Here, take these,' she says, putting two pills into my hand. 'You'll feel better.'

'Thanks, Kitty,' I say. I take the pills, and then take a big sip of the green tea that Kitty has made me. I can taste honey in there too. Suddenly tears spring into my eyes as I realise how much I never appreciate Kitty, and everything she's done for me.