Brew Books

Chapter 43

I stare at Sylvie and Charlotte, who are watching me expectantly. Do I want to be part of this? I realise, resolutely, that I do. I want to be part of this group, and I feel that being included by Sylvie and Charlotte is a massive hurdle in belonging here.

'Sometimes people get a bit freaked out,' Sylvie tells me as we're leaving the bathrooms. 'When it's their first time, you know? So stick with us and let me know if you're feeling weird. But seriously, don't worry, this stuff's good.'

'Babes, don't stress her out, it's fine,' Charlotte says. 'We do it all the time.'

I realise I'm concentrating a lot on how my body is feeling, which means I can't really tell how my body is feeling, because I'm concentrating too hard. Instead I try to relax and follow Sylvie and Charlotte back out to the dance floor. We find Kitty, who is dancing by herself, seemingly without even realising she's alone. We grab her and dance, and my energy spikes. I'm so excited to dance. I've never been this excited to dance.

Will, Harper and Ed join us, and the seven of us create a circle on the dance floor. My cheeks feel flushed but my bare arms feel cold, but when I run my fingers through my hair or touch my hands along my red dress it feels like a hug. As I let go with the music I'm somehow less aware of my body, but also so in tune with my body and the rhythm, without feeling self conscious.

I lose track of time, and I can't even predict how long we've been dancing because the songs are mixed and blend into each other, but it feels like a long time. And the whole time I'm not worried about what Harper's doing, because I'm so involved in my own dancing.

But then I feel out of breath and like I need to sit down. I mean to ask Sylvie to join me, but when I open my mouth Ed is there, and before I know it, it's Ed leading me away from the dance floor and out to the smoker's area.

The cold air hits me in a rush, and I suck it in.

'You okay?' Ed asks.

'So good,' I tell him, beaming. 'How are you?' I find myself holding onto my arm as he leads me towards the benches.

Ed looks me over once more before saying, 'Pretty drunk, yeah. But you look good. I mean, you don't look drunk. You look nice. You okay?' We take a seat on a bench, and I'm still pressed against his body.

'Yeah,' I say. 'Sylvie gave me coke. I've never done it before. I just thought, fuck it, you know? I've never done it before. My friend, or, I don't know, she used to be my friend, Rachel, she always did stuff, but she never really offered it to me and I never asked and I guess she always thought I was too much of a goody-two-shoes. Am I talking too much?'

I take a moment to reassess my body. I feel energised, and excited, like I've had too much caffeine - which happens often enough, working in a coffee shop. I don't feel crazy, and my vision isn't any different, and I'm not feeling paranoid like Sylvie suggested I could be. I just feel more alive.

'I'll admit, I did think you were a bit of a goody-two-shoes,' Ed says. 'I guess until you stole the laptop.'

I tense, uncomfortable. 'I am sorry about the laptop. Can I tell you the truth? I hate secrets, and I hate that no one wants to tell me what happened with Matt, and that laptop was kind of the only physical piece of evidence I had that Matt exists, somewhere, because you guys refuse to talk about him. And I thought my ex-boyfriend, Drew, could hack the laptop and tell me something, anything, I don't know, I have no idea what I even thought would happen. I just thought Drew would fix it, because he always used to fix everything.'

'Can we not talk about Matt?' Ed says. 'Tell me about Drew, or Rachel. Why isn't Rachel your best friend?'

'Because she's sleeping with my boyfriend. I mean, my ex-boyfriend,' I say. 'I was with Drew for years. And she was my best friend. So I guess I kinda thought they'd respect that and wouldn't get together. But I guess they thought there wasn't really anything to worry about because I cheated on him so I can't really complain, can I?'

'You cheated on your boyfriend?' Ed asks.

'It's a long story,' I say. I find myself pressing my palms against my dress, feeling the texture against my skin.

'Well, we're here, and I am tired of dancing for now,' Ed tells me. 'And I think you need a break, too. Plus it always feels good to talk on coke.'

'Does it?' I say. 'Yeah, I guess it does. I feel really excited about talking to you.'

'I'm glad,' Ed smiles. 'Although I hope it's not just the coke.'

'Of course it's not, Ed!' I say. 'Despite the fact that you hate my guts and make me get up before the sun most mornings and won't even let me work in the bar when I want to and clearly you think I'm an idiot, I still like talking to you! I think you're great.'

'I don't hate you,' Ed says quietly. 'Although I may think you're a bit of an idiot.'

'Well maybe if you got to know me a little more you wouldn't think I'm such an idiot and you might even trust me enough to let me work in the bar, or even, and I know this is a long shot, but maybe if you got to know me you'd realise I can be trusted and you can tell me what happened with Matt and why he left.'

'Well then, let me get to know you,' Ed says.

'Where do you want me to start?' I ask.

'Well, why did you cheat on your boyfriend?'

'Because I guess I always thought my life was gonna be this picture perfect fairytale where I'd marry Drew and he'd work hard and make a lot of money, and I'd write or maybe work for a boutique publishing house or something, and we'd get a nice house in Surrey and have two kids and a labrador.'

'And then you cheated on him?'

'Well, no,' I say. 'It's just that I was so set on all of that, and then I kinda figured out that a labrador doesn't fix anything, you know?'

'Labradors tend to destroy more things than they fix,' Ed says. 'My parents have two golden retrievers. They eat everything.'

'Exactly!' I say. 'Your parents have the dogs but you and Matt hate each other, and you never talk, and there must be so many problems that I don't even know about. The golden retrievers don't make anything better.'

'They're good to cuddle, sometimes,' Ed says. 'Are you cold? You look cold.'

'I'm fine,' I say, with a laugh. Then I reach forward and touch Ed's ginger hair, and say, 'You're kinda like a golden retriever, you know?'

'Long country walks, snoozing by the fire, and a juicy bone every now and then? I wouldn't mind being a golden retriever.'

'So the labrador plan wasn't gonna fix anything,' I say. 'I mean, my parents never had a labrador, but they had all the other stuff. The expensive car, the perfect daughter, the picture perfect house by the sea.'

'And it didn't fix everything?' Ed says, in a mocking tone, with a laugh.

'No,' I say, slumping a little. 'It didn't fix everything. My mum killed herself.'

• Author's Note •

Welp.

Who saw this coming?

Any theories about what else is going to happen? Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

elle xx